I wish I could escape from my life where I feel trapped, like a prisoner or a hostage. I have no authority, no say, no input, no anything. I always need my hubby’s and mother’s permission before I can go anywhere, buy anything, or do anything. I am always vetoed, over-ruled, undermined, sabotaged, oppressed, threatened,and blackmailed to keep me under their control and I’m powerless and helpless to do anything about it as with my Asperger’s I have no social, job, or life skills and I can’t drive, and don’t understand how to do banking, taxes, pay bills, etc. or other much-needed everyday functioning and can’t survive on my own( as much as I would love to leave and live on my own!) and have no $$$$ and no place to go. I’m just stuck. Where would I go? What would I do? Who would take care of me? I’m always being demeaned, devalued, dismissed, mocked, ridiculed, insulted, ganged up on, voted against, blamed, criticized, and my thoughts, opinions, wants,and needs don’t matter or count. They won’t even let me have a DOG, one little thing that would bring some joy and happiness into my life. I feel so stifled and oppressed.
I just wish I could escape. It would feel like breaking out of jail. I would feel so free. I fantasize of running away, of leaving and never looking back. Of moving to the Caribbean and living in a little house with a dog by the beach. That’s it. That’s all I want. It’s very simple and I don’t want much yet it’s so impossible, so far out of reach, so unattainable and will never happen. I heard once that your dream,and what you need to do to be happy is to go back and do what you did and enjoyed as a child and mine was being outside and spending most of my childhood trying to fly. Your dreams are also supposed to come true in Heaven and if so then what I hope for is to live in a replica of my old Toronto house by the beach, with palm trees, and to have 2 of my fave. Chihuahuas I had growing up restored to me. That will be my ultimate escape and in Heaven I will be healed and made whole again; no more Asperger’s or any other limits, so I can BE independent, and that’s the only way I can see it ever happening; it never will this side of Heaven.
As well, I don’t think I’m entirely over being suicidal like I thought I was: my hubby had left a bottle of Drano by the sink for the clogged drain and the thought came into my head that I should swallow it in the hopes I would die, and a firetruck parked on our street but there wasn’t a fire; it just picked up the fire chief that lives down our street up for work, the guy that’s often drunk and sits out on his front lawn naked on a lawn chair yelling at people that walk by ( we have weird neighbours, I know) and there’s a funny sign on the corner store window,too ( the owners are Korean) it says “No face open, no entrance” I guess they mean you can’t wear a mask or have your face hidden with a hoodie but it sounded so funny it reminded me of this toy we got for 2 of the kids YRS ago from China that we saved to open during a long overnight flight and the instructions said “No aim peoples” “No in the mouth” “Special pinball fighter for swallow” and it struck us at so hilariously funny that we were cracking up laughing so hard we were crying( I nearly wet my pants!) esp. with the combination of being over tired, time changes and jet lag that we were roaring so loud we couldn’t stop and we were shaking and crying with laughter and people kept staring at us!