I’ve been following the news story about Michael Brown, the American teen shot and killed in Ferguson Missouri by a white police officer in a predominantly black neighbourhood. This has been an ongoing issue of racism and racial profiling; that police target, pull over, arrest, shoot, and kill black people far more often than they do white people( and they do it here in this country,too) and there was no reason to shoot this kid,either; he was unarmed and witnesses say he had his arms up in the air as a sign of surrender. There were conflicting reports that he was aggressive towards the cop, yet even if that WAS true that’s still no reason to shoot him even so; just handcuff and arrest him, or in extreme cases taser him and arrrest him, but don’t shoot him! He was also shot 6 TIMES, as if once wouldn’t be bad enough, incl. on the top of the head( which the coroner said was the kill shot) which would only be possibly if he was laying on the ground, which makes it even more despicable.They’d later reported he had robbed a store as well but at the time the police didn’t even know this when they’d shot him and even if they HAD it’s still no reason to shoot him, just arrest him. Following this outrage there were riots and looting in the streets for days and I can certainly understand Black Rage at such injustice and I understand the protesting but not the looting; there’s no excuse for that but certainly something needs to be done about authorities targeting black people and other minorities. There is still racism in the deep South( as well as elsewhere) and something needs to be done to stop it and as for Michael Brown I pray there will be justice for him and his family and that the cop that senselessly killed him will be charged with murder.
As well, I saw Patti, who didn’t go up and see her son afterall as the closing on his new house(they move in next month) was just a few days ago and he’s busy but she called him and left him a message about Buddy saying she has a friend ( me) that is interested in taking him but she hasn’t heard back so I hope it’s not that he’s changed his mind when it gets right down to it and has decided to keep him afterall or that he needs more time to think about it( that would be heartbreaking; the kids are I were so excited!) but rather that he’s just busy and hasn’t had time to get back to her yet, and now I’m feeling tired and my skin is itchy all over so maybe there really IS something going on with my liver again with my liver enzymes elevated, and last time when I had liver failure( when I had Obstetric Cholestasis 7 YRS ago) I was itching like crazy, tired like a zombie, lost weight, had zero appetite AND was jaundice; both my skin AND the whites of my eyes were yellow but I can’t tell if I’m jaundiced now because I have such a deep dark tan and I’m brown anyway! Before it was in the winter and I was lily white so it was easy to see when I turned yellow!
I heard on the news that one of Sanrio’s Hello Kitty creator’s said that she actually isn’t a cat afterall but is supposed to be a little girl! WHAT? Are they KIDDING? She sure looks like a cat with her pointy ears and whiskers, not to mention the fact that her name is KITTY! So here I thought all these YRS ( along with everyone else) that she was a cat….and now this? This is just beyond a total mindf*ck and now it makes me doubt and question everything that I’ve ever thought and believed my entire LIFE. It’s so disillusioning. How can she NOT be a cat and what little girl looks like a a cat,anyway? This is just plain wrong and it really pisses me off is what it does. I’ve always loved Hello Kitty and when I was a kid I had an entire dresser and shelf full of the stuff; stuffed toys, little drawers, pencils, erasers,stickers, pencil cases, jewellery, etc. and when I lived in California I just LOVED the Sanrio store in the Beverly Center mall; it was my dream store; everything was Hello Kitty! You know, I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that; why did they have to say that now, after some 37 YRS, that she’s NOT a cat? That was just plain mean.
As well, I had this weird thing on my kneecap under the skin that looked like a tapioca bead and it didn’t itch or hurt and I was able to move it and “chase” it all over and around my knee and I wondered if it might have been a cyst and I showed my mother and my hubby as well, and intended to show it to my doc when I have my app’t to see him next week for my med renewal….but an HR later it was just….gone….so I don’t know if it just maybe popped and dissolved or something on it’s own or perhaps it’s maybe something more sinister, like a blood clot or something that’s in the vein and has travelled along in the bloodstream and has moved elsewhere? I’m also having a really hard time trying to locate a hippo calendar for 2015 both in stores AND online, and my hubby and 5 of the kids( the teens) are at FanExpo in Toronto( you couldn’t PAY me to go to that nerdfest) and the 16 YR old’s wig he needed for his costume( that he’d ordered from China 2 MONTHS ago) just came yesterday morning, right on time, right before they left,too, talk about last minute, and with any luck we might get Buddy soon as well as Patti said she’s going up to her son’s this long weekend and will be bringing him back with her……ooooh, I sure hope so…..I get excited at just the thought, at just the possibility….
My mother got what appears to be a suicide letter from her friend yesterday. She got the shocking news that her husband’s been cheating on her; it started when she was having her most recent surgery and it turns out it’s with a woman she knows,too, a woman who lives in their apartment building and who is now even going around TELLING everyone about their affair( what nerve!) and she even caught them kissing passionately in her hallway,too! Naturally now she feels not only shocked, betrayed, hurt, and devastated, but she’s lost all trust in him now that she’ll never be able to get back( some things just can’t be repaired or undone) wants a divorce and says she doesn’t have anything to live for anymore, wants to die, has started smoking again, and told my mother when she dies she’s told her husband to call her and asked my mother to read him this letter when she does. The letter also sounded like she was saying goodbye, sounding eerily to me like a suicide note. I’ve been there myself; so despondent and on the brink of suicide; I know what it’s like and what it feels like and I’m able to pick up the signals in other people as well and recognize the signs and I can tell when someone’s planning on killing themselves and I know a suicide note when I see one because I’ve written one myself. I just feel so badly for her and when I found out all I could think of was, “What a f*cking piece of shit!” I’m worried about her and I fear this will be the last letter my mother will see from her and that soon there will be that dreaded phone call that she has died. She also told my mother in the letter not to call her as her husband listens in. I don’t know her and I’ve never met her but I know they worked together before my mother retired and they’ve kept in touch by writing over the past 11 YRS so I’ve heard about her and all her medical issues and such and I feel so badly for her, plus, having being suicidal many times myself I know what it’s like. I’ll say an extra prayer for her tonight.
As well, I like to think about hippos because hippos make me happy and I want to be happy, and when I told the 13 YR old ( who is a diva, a fashionista, and who loves to shop) I went to the Eaton Centre she was so jealous and said she HAS to go,too, esp. since it’s a REAL shopping mall and has 4 levels, not like the strip malls we have here and even the closest “mall” in the nearest town 20 min. away only has 1 level, so you can’t even compare it; The Eaton Centre is pure shopping heaven, and the 11 YR old saw me reading a book and sighed, “You’re reading AGAIN? I hate it when you read because you ignore me!” Her friend also came over and her family has a baby now; it was seized by Child Welfare from her aunt so now they adopted him.At least he’s still with family though and not in the horrors of foster care.
I was horrified as well to hear on the news a 9 YR old girl shot and killed her instructor at a gun firing range and I thought “Who in their right mind would even let children anywhere NEAR guns?” I just don’t get Americans’ gun culture, and their love and obsession with guns and I never will. It just boggles my mind the gun mentality over there. Our oldest’s friend( since they were teens) is also being recalled from his Mormon mission for medical treatment as he’s severely depressed and having a hard time but they intend on sending him BACK,too, which I wish they wouldn’t; I mean, he’s obviously unhappy there and not doing well; it’s not for everybody, and what if they send him back and he ends up committing suicide or something?( I know someone who did after he returned from his mission) and they put so much pressure on them and act like it’s such a failure and disgrace if they don’t go on a mission or if they have to return and it’s not right.
I have decided to do my very own “Happiness Project.” I got the idea from a book I’ve been reading. Mine is a more simplified version and instead of the project taking a YR I try and do it day by day and it’s more of a “mantra” of a sort, changes I’m making in my life to try and grab happiness wherever I can and to the best of my ability. They incl. trying to be more positive,surrendering everything to God and leaving the outcome up to Him and praying that I have the grace to accept it, whatever’s for the best and meant to be, trying to find some joy each day, even in the tiniest thing, even in such things as something funny the kids say and do, the smell of wildflowers or cut grass, listening to the birds sing or crickets chirping, enjoying a good thunderstorm while I’m in bed at night, the warmth of the sun, or whatever. I also decided to try and NOT let my hubby destroy, take away, or ruin every chance I have at happiness like he does and when possible, to find other options when he threatens and blackmails me in his attempts to do so, like for example when he said if I get Buddy he won’t drive me to the grocery to get the dog food I’ll walk to the corner store to buy it instead, and when he said he won’t drive me to the vet I’ll just take a taxi, showing him he can’t control me like that and that I don’t need him as much as he thinks I do. I wonder if he’s trying to “punish” me for not loving him or something even though he doesn’t love me either. Whatever it is, I will not allow him to steal my joy,and when the time is right and I’m strong enough and when I’m ready, I want to be free, to break away from him and this life where I feel trapped in my own life, like a prisoner in my own home, where I’ll no longer be a hostage but until then I’ll also do what makes me happy, if I have to splurge the odd time and treat myself I will. If I want to act silly and goofy and laugh I will. I want to get a dog, I will.If I want to take lessons, enrich my life, find myself, rethink my life,rebuild my life, go on a trip, read a book, etc. I will, and I also continue with my therapy and medication,and God willing, one day I can reclaim my life and myself and be happy again, bit by bit, one step at a time.
As well, my mother accidently took 2 of her BP meds and tried to call poison control but the local hospital here in “Bumble-F*ck” doesn’t even have a poison control ( no surprise) so she called the pharmacist who said just keep checking her BP and luckily she was ok, my doc’s app’t got cancelled again, just 2 HRS before my app’t, my mother told the kids to cut down the “jungle” in the yard and they also ended up destroying my entire garden; they cut down my day lilies, the ferns and all my vines! What next, kick over my garden gnomes and smash my statues,too? Why is it always MY stuff that they destroy,anyway?(and earlier in the season my hubby pulled up all my Lily of the Valley,too!) I’m really upset and hurt but of course they don’t care, and my mother said we’re so poor now we can’t even afford to buy calendars anymore now,either,and can only get the free ones from the bank and church and she said she thinks she’ll even have to take out a loan to pay the property taxes this YR as it’s over 3000$ and she hasn’t been able to save up for it since we’ve needed the $$$ for food, and her monthly credit card bill it said if she just pays the minimal amount each month it’ll take her 49 YRS to pay it off! She won’t even still be alive in 49 YRS….and neither would I!
The 11 YR old also calls me “Bucky” now because of my ugly teeth, I still have that big, deep purple bruise on my arm from the IV the other day; it’s still no better, no lighter, and no smaller; I’m a delicate flower that’s fragile and damages easily I guess, and I’m still thinking about the Tom Petty concert and how awesome it was and I wish I’d had a lighter to hold up like people did back in the day( now they use their cell phones but I don’t have one of those,either) and my hubby even fell asleep and I had to shake him and scold, “Wake up, fool!” I mean, who falls asleep at a rock concert?