Next Door.

New pictures (2) Here is a look at the renovations next door, as seen from our back yard. They’re adding an addition on to their house and it’s as big( if not bigger) than their house! They certainly know what they’re doing and it’s coming along really well and looks good! There’s only 3 guys building it and they just started in summer! We had 2 bedrooms and a bathroom added onto our old house and it took FOREVER. Home renovations are a nightmare. It’s ok living next door to it but when it’s you it’s such a nuisance.

Treasure In My Heart.

Buddy5 It’s been like summer here for the past week and into this week ( 25 C or so) like a late summer(which we deserve after we got ripped off having such a cold summer) and I’ve still been able to keep up my summer tan. As I lay out in the sun Buddy snuggles in next to me and  I just want to capture the moment forever; it’s pure HAPPINESS. I’m treasuring this time we have with him in my heart because soon it will be coming to an end; I return him to Patti Thursday evening as we leave for our trip Friday evening ( airport shuttle picks us up and brings us to the airport hotel overnight and we have an early flight out Saturday but have to be at the airport at 4 am and it’s 2 HRS away so we’re going in the night before) and this way it’s less rush. I’m hoping he’ll still be here at Patti’s when we get back a week later; that her son still hasn’t come for him yet and that we can  have him back again. I wish we could keep him forever and he’s enjoying it so much here too he doesn’t seem eager to go back either; he doesn’t want his vacation to end!

It will be so hard to say goodbye; the kids and I just love him so much and have become so attached to him; we wish he could stay. We realize we can’t just keep him though as he’s not ours; he belongs to his owner and even though we DO have more time for him, give him more freedom( they only let him on the main floor, for example, and here he has the run of the house) and he’d be happier here we still have to give him back, but the kids and I are hoping his owners will decide to let him stay(esp. since they were overwhelmed before with him and the new baby) esp. after Patti tells them how well he’s doing here, how happy he is, and how good we are to him. My hubby scoffed, “It’s been a week. Why is he still here?” and I told him they don’t move until Wednesday, and I hope at the least we’ll be able to “dog-sit” him again soon and at the best we hope they’ll let us have him, whether now or sometime later.

The hardest thing about having him here( not really a problem, just more of an adjustment) is on grocery day, making sure when the side door’s open bringing in the groceries from the van that he doesn’t run out the door and when the bags are all over the kitchen floor as he keeps trying to get into them at the food, and on Sundays when I leave for church he misses me like crazy and whines and barks waiting for me at the door until I return.It’s hard when we have a booking for our home business as well as we have to load and unload the equipment and get it out the door and making sure he does’t run out. He’s “claimed” me as his own and I’m his favourite; the one he always follows around, snuggles with, and spends the most time with, and sleeps in bed with at night, and he missed Patti’s dog( who is his best friend and he also always tries to hump) so I asked  if she could come over with her so they could have a “play date” and they did; we visited for a couple of HRS and the dogs frolicked and played and we took them for a walk together, and she said her loser next door neighbours put their house up for sale too so she’ll finally be rid of them,and her hemoglobin’s really low( 8 and should be around 150) and they want her to have a “scope” done like I had to find the source of the bleeding( they found traces of blood in her urine sample) but the idea of it freaks her out and she’s hesitant.

I’m afraid as well that once I get back from my trip and it’s over and if Buddy’s gone; gone back to his owner, that I’m going to crash and burn with my happiness taken away and over, and with nothing left to look forward to anymore to keep me “going” until next summer, esp. having to get thru another winter beforehand, I don’t really think I can do it and it worries me; I don’t want to slip back into that dark place again. As it is now Buddy brings joy to each day but once he’s gone I won’t have that anymore; my joy will be gone and I fear the darkness will return. I also haven’t seen “Cow Cat” in at least 5 days so I wonder if animal control picked it up, and our second oldest( who lives in Japan) is going to South Korea( where my best friend is from!) for a holiday and there was a volcano eruption in Japan,too, and people climbing it were killed and I was worried she might have been there but luckily it wasn’t in her area.


Shadow  I feel like all thru my life I have shadows following me, shadows from my past, painful memories, past traumas, toxic stress that won’t let go, secrets I must keep hidden, depression, fear, anxiety, guilt, regret, abuse, brokenness that time won’t heal, loss, pain, hurt, betrayal, rejection, etc. it’s like a nightmare that I just can’t wake up out of, a dark shadow that won’t dissipate, always there, enveloping me, shadowing me, everywhere I go.

A life full of shadows.

Shadows I have a hard time navigating thru.

Dark black shadows I get lost in.

Shadows I can’t find my way out of.

Shadows that cloud my vision.

Shadows where I can’t find my way.

Shadows that haunt me.

Shadows that keep out the light.

It’s hard work every single day to try and see thru the shadows, to try and find the light.


Buddy Boy.

Buddy4 I just realized today this week since Buddy’s been here I’ve had this feeling I haven’t felt for YRS and it’s called HAPPINESS. He’s such a joy and the kids and I just love him so much and wish he could stay. The 15 YR old also had a friend over who fell in love with Buddy too and said he “fits in really well with our family” and said she “has a ‘feeling’ ” that we’ll end up keeping him( I sure hope so!) and maybe his owners in time will realize how happy he is here and that he’s better off as we have the time and attention to give him that they no longer do, and Patti said they’re strict with him as well and only give him dog food( no people food) and he sleeps in a crate at night and they’ve been virtually ignoring him ever since the baby came, and don’t let him lick your face…..but here he’s “treated like royalty”( as the 16 YR old says) and we feed him real meat, he sleeps in my bed with me under the blankets and he gets all the attention and love in the world and I let him smother my face with kisses.

I also bathed him again( the 13 YR old helped) and cleaned out all the black ear wax out of his ears; I put baby oil in with a dropper and then massaged his ears and let is settle in for awhile to loosen the gunk and then gently removed it with a Q-tip( and it took 6 Q-tips to remove it all and it looked like thick black molasses) and wiped it with a washcloth and he was so good too and just sat there and LET me do it( how many dogs would?) and I guess it felt good for the itch as he’s always been scratching his ears, shaking his head, and rubbing his ears on the carpet for relief. That’s how I used to clean the gunk out of my Chihuahua’s ears and it works well. My socks were missing( I’d left them on my chair) as well and as it turned out Buddy had taken them! That dog sure has a thing for socks! He’s so funny! Patti also came over and she said I should have let Buddy lick my hubby’s porkchop and served it to him( as “payback” for him being mean to and ignoring him) and then I added AFTER he’s licked his balls or arse FIRST and we were both just roaring with laughter so much tears were coming out of our eyes!

Buddy  was also snuggled in bed with the 11 YR old in the morning under the covers and she let out this huge fart and I thought he’d be gassed to death under there and not be able to breathe but he didn’t seem to care( he IS a dog, afterall though and they like gross things) and when the 15 YR old took him for a walk and went by Patti’s house he didn’t want to go near there as I think he was worried he’d have to leave us and go back as he’s so happy here( it’s like his vacation) and when he saw me leave to go to the store( he was on the front porch) he barked frantically and tried to squeeze thru the wooden slats to come after me, and later on I couldn’t find him and he didn’t come when I called( like he always does) and I was really scared; scared he’d somehow got out and ran away but it turned out the 13 YR old had just taken him out for a walk! I was so relieved when he came back ok! I really love that little guy.

As well, my hubby said to me, “Shouldn’t you be GONE yet?” but he’s still stuck with me for another week; I’m in the Caribbean NEXT weekend( and I can hardly WAIT! I just wish I didn’t have to come BACK!!) and he was out and came home late and saw 2 firetrucks in front of our house and it freaked him out thinking we had another fire again but it was for next door; I guess someone either reported them for their bonfire or else thought the smoke from it was a fire from their house and called 9-1-1; we already had ONE fire; we don’t need another one, and this crazy b*tch was sitting on our grass smoking with her cat tied to a rope( the same one who left it tied on a rope to our fence before) laying under our tree and when the 11 YR old and I were walking Buddy there she told ME to keep the dog away from her cat so he doesn’t bite it and I told HER I LIVE here; this is MY house and I can take the dog anywhere on MY property I WANT and if she doesn’t like it SHE can take her cat OFF *my* grass! I just can’t believe the NERVE of some people and the ignorant rednecks here!