I was thinking the other day, “What have I done with my life?” “Have I served any useful purpose?” “What will I be remembered for when I’m gone?” “Has my life made any difference?” “Would the world be any different if I never existed?” Sadly I don’t think my life has much meaning or purpose or that I’ve accomplished anything or done anything important. It’s been chronic trauma, abuse, stress, and struggle without any reason or purpose and for what? I HAVE helped to bring 11 souls into the world and am raising them(and homeschooling them) for God, but is that enough? I haven’t done great good in the world like Nelson Mandela or Bob Geldof or made any impact, or am I just to be like St. Therese and her “Little Way?” doing small things in an ordinary way in an ordinary life? Why am I here? Do I matter? Why do I exist? Why was I put here to struggle thru such a miserable life? I’ll probably never know this side of Heaven but God does have a purpose, reason,and meaning for everything, even if we don’t know or understand it.
As well, “Aunt Flow” is now a WEEK late and still hasn’t come but I know I’m NOT prego unless it’s an Immaculate Conception, so hopefully I’m in menopause( I hope, I hope, I hope…) and it’s just stopped coming now, and the 11 YR old was scared of the hurricane-force winds howling, whistling,and banging on her bedroom window so she came into bed with Buddy and I so the bed was really cramped and crowded, and Buddy saw me naked,too: he walked in the bathroom as I was drying off from my bath and then walked back out; seeing a giant naked hippo must have scarred him for life! He must have been scared shit-less! With him I love deeply.
Our oldest can’t come up and visit us for Christmas afterall as he doesn’t have the $$$$ for airfare ( around 600$ or so) and neither do we, and I couldn’t remember my neurologist’s name even though it’s an easy 6 letter name; not like it’s some long complicated 15 letter Sri Lankan name or something and I thought the kids threw away Patti’s gift I left on the table as well; I totally forgot that *I* had put it somewhere; I’m either losing my mind or I have Alzheimer’s or something! The 13 YR old said her friend is smart,too, and the 16 YR old told her she’s from THIS town and in public school, she’s NOT “smart”, and I can’t believe that cop in Ferguson(USA) isn’t going to even be charged with killing the unarmed black teen, but if the roles were reversed and it was a BLACK cop that shot and killed a WHITE kid they’d lynch him! There is something REALLY wrong with the world! Police brutality is a problem here,too, and so is racial profiling. I can certainly understand their anger at this gross injustice. It almost makes me embarrassed to be white.On behalf of white people everywhere I apologize for the shitty way black people are being treated.