Wordless Wednesday.

McDQueen

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Blood Work.

Bloodwork I went and got my blood work done and they took 4 vials. I asked what they were testing and it’s the usual: potassium and liver enzymes, just as I’d figured. The technician also said her friend is saving up and planning on moving to Jamaica when she’s 50 and that she’s married to a Jamaican so there’s someone else out there like me too that doesn’t like it here and plans to move to the Caribbean! Earlier in the day the doc’s office also called and informed me I have an abdomenal scan on a Saturday over the Thanksgiving weekend in less than 2 weeks and it seemed so urgent, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, getting it so quickly( usually it takes weeks, or even months) and on a weekend, and a *holiday* weekend, no less, and I wondered what showed up on my last blood test to warrant it? Did some sort of tumour marker show up or something indicating cancer?Do they suspect I have liver cancer? Maybe that’s what my stomach area’s so fat; maybe my liver’s enlarged or it’s fluid due to cancer?

It’s been months since I had my last scan, which showed an enlarged liver bile duct(which would be consistent with the elevated liver enzymes in the blood work last time), which are caused by some sort of obstruction, usually gallstones but I know it’s not in my case since I had my gallbladder removed 3 YRS ago, so maybe it still COULD be a tumour…what else could be blocking the flow of bile? Or could it be something as simple as a thick band of scar tissue from the surgery, maybe? When I went for the blood work I asked the secretary to check my file and see why the scan was ordered so she did but it didn’t say so she went and asked the doctor and he just said he was reviewing my files and it’s just a follow-up to the last scan, so that’s a relief, and I can’t have anything to eat or drink 6 HRS before and the test’s at 10 am. It will be interesting to see if anything’s changed though; if it’s still enlarged or has resolved.

As well,I thought I’d slept in late and that it was 8 am so I jumped out of bed in a panic and ran downstairs but when I got down and saw the microwave clock it was only 7 am, and when I was walking Buddy a lady pulled over to the curb in her van to admire him; everyone loves Buddy, even perfect strangers, yet my hubby and the 8 YR old were hassling me about him again and being mean; stomping on the ground and saying they were stomping on his face, head,and back, and when they say things like that about him it’s like they’re saying it to ME because I love him and it’s really hurtful. They’re so mean. My family sucks. The 17 YR old says most of the kids he started off with at Cadets at age 12 are selling drugs now and slutty and have had babies already and that most people here in this shit-hole town ARE white trash rednecks and losers and the schools here are bad, and that it’s really easy to find drugs here.

I also heard that some gay guys put gerbils( which I used to have as pets as a kid so I find this particularly disturbing) up their arse, and I don’t know if it’s actually true or not or just a myth but I’ve always wondered HOW exactly they get them UP there, I mean, how do you entice a rodent to burrow up such a small, puckered up little hole,anyway? Do you shove a sunflower seed up and let it burrow in, or insert a hollow tube or some sort(kind of like a Habitrail?)and let in run thru? Wouldn’t it rip your rectum to shreds though too with it’s sharp claws and gnaw thru with those sharp teeth? I don’t really believe it…

If I Could Write My Future.

Writing I wish that I could write my own future( and re-write my past).  If I had a choice, and I could make what I dream come true and write how my life will turn out I would want events to unfold so that God sends me someone who loves me, and someone that can take me away from my toxic family that hate me and mistreat me, and that I can finally have a happy life. I wish I could buy a one-way plane ticket as far away as possible and just disappear. I would start over again, a new life, and never look back. The kids would stay here with my mother and hubby as they don’t like me anyway and my mother and hubby have “poisoned” them against me and I wouldn’t feel guilty for leaving my hubby and remarrying either because how he treats me and I think I deserve love and to be happy, esp. after everything that’s happened in my life. I just want OUT. I don’t want this life anymore. I can’t even imagine living another 30-40 YRS like this and it makes me understand why people fake their own deaths, just to escape and start over.

I would hope as well that one day my kids would be more supportive, understanding, sympathetic, and forgiving of me, and not hate me, esp. once they have families of their own, and read my blog and diaries; that they’ll see parenting isn’t an “easy” job even under ideal circumstances and that’s even harder for someone like me facing so many challenges, traumas, brokenness, and limitations, and I’d hope that seeing it from my perspective that they’d see that I had good intentions and meant well and tried my best but that I just couldn’t cope and didn’t have the necessary tools and didn’t have any support, with my depression, Social Phobia, and Asperger’s compounding it, plus the emotional scars of all the trauma I’ve endured in life have also all taken their toll…I hope that one day they will understand why I want to leave; why I can’t do this anymore,why my spirit is destroyed and I have to get out for my own emotional well-being.

As well, the 12 and 16 YR olds were eating what I thought were chunky fries ( my hubby had take out) so I picked up one to sample and the 16 YR old snatched it out of my hand and scolded, “NO!” and *I* always share, even with the DOG, yet no one ever shares with me, and the 17 YR old also was tempting Buddy with onions and garlic( which is toxic to dogs) and trying to entice him to run out the door outside just to aggravate me, and the one time I forgot to lock my computer he put an occult “Satan’s Day”( Hallowe’en) thing on the screen even though they’ve been warned endlessly about sabotaging it….it goes on and on…their disrespect and contempt for me( which both my mother and hubby encourage) and in my fragile state it just takes something like this to set me off and plunge back into a dark place again I’m always walking on this thin line, almost like a tightrope, teetering , and my anti-depressants don’t make me HAPPY, they just stop me from being suicidal but still even the slightest little thing is all it takes to trigger the Darkness again and my family and their ill-treatment of me are the “triggers”….

I also notice lately( past few days) my using the wrong words had returned once again as well: I said I’ll put the shaver in the laundry( instead of in the drawer) for example, and I don’t know if it’s just due to the tremendous stress I’m always under living in such a toxic environment, or if perhaps it’s somehow related to my recent series of migraines as it did happen after? Maybe I had some sort of brain bleed or mini-stroke or something and it damaged part of my brain?

Bad Priest.

BadPriest I still can’t believe I heard what I heard from one of our priests in church yesterday: he was saying at the end of Mass that several parishoners were asking if our parish could sponsor a Syrian refugee family and he said how it costs between 40 and 50 thousand to sponsor a family for a YR and I was thinking, “Well, that’s no problem; our parish brings in between 5 and 6 thousand a WEEK in collections; if we took up a special collection we could do it easily”  and then he goes on how before they can come over we’d have to secure them a doctor and dentist and I was thinking, “There’s lots of dentists here, again no problem…..” and it sounded to me like he was trying to discourage us from the idea, and then it only got worse from there, then he said how “those people” are mainly MUSLIMS and it’s “over in those MUSLIM countries that Christians are persecuted” and how it’s NOT a good idea to bring over “too many” of “those people” from other countries that are different religions and different cultures,and how it’s “not as ‘easy’ as it seems….” I couldn’t believe it! WTF? What a racist ASSHOLE! JESUS certainly wouldn’t have that kind of attitude; He would say to love, welcome,and help the needy and less-fortunate, and GOD certainly loves people of ALL races, religions, backgrounds, and cultures, and this certainly isn’t a very “Christian” attitude! As I looked around I saw the expressions on other people’s faces and they also looked shocked, stunned, and were scowling, no doubt disappointed and feeling the same way I was. I never really liked this guy much to begin with before but now I like him even less. Sadly though it’s not uncommon in this country and often reflects the anti-immigration attitude of many people. It just gets me so mad!

As well, these 2 “seedy” grungy- looking guys came and sat next to me in church, right next to my purse, smelling like a brewery, and I got the uneasy feeling they were just there to “case” the place and to steal ladies’ purses when they went up for Communion, and then even more so when I noticed they didn’t know the prayers OR go up for Communion, so just to be safe I took my purse up with me instead of leaving it behind on the pew and I did feel badly for pre-judging like that but you also have to listen to your instincts,too, and my instincts about other people are usually right…

The guy next door was also outside wearing long pants and a sweater and there I was, still in my shorts and tank top, still basking in the sun, still maintaining my summer tan; refusing to let go of summer and accepting that it’s fall, and it’s been mild,too, but the temps are supposed to start dropping( like down to 13 C or so) Wednesday, and the “scoundrel” across the street seems to have split up with his “mistress”; she moved into his place a couple of months ago but we saw them have this epic fight yesterday and then she was putting all her stuff into her car and drove off and she hasn’t been back since….maybe she found out he was still married all along, or maybe he was even cheating on HER,too, and later on I DID see another woman over at his place…..he really IS a dirty rotten scoundrel!

I saw on the news as well that not only in a prison but also in the area and town surrounding it all the cell phones are being monitored, listened to and recorded by the gov’t! Talk about Big Brother, and the people weren’t being informed of it, either, but it was discovered and uncovered by a privacy watchdog and the media! We have less and less privacy and freedom in this Police State all the time! Canada sucks!