Today the 14 YR old was heckling me again , more of the usual of my family always picking on me and bullying me and when I get upset my mother says I “don’t have a sense of humour”. Yeah, I’ve been bullied my entire LIFE and I just DON’T find it “funny”‘ I’m extra sensitive to it and I don’t like it and they KNOW it and yet they won’t stop and they still continue to do it, knowing it gets me upset. Then the 14 YR old says *I* “pick on” and “bully” my mother,too….telling her to mind her own business, and to stop meddling and stop over-stepping boundaries with my kids( and once again the 8 YR old’s been sleeping in her bed for some time now even though we’ve been THRU this many times before; he has his OWN room and he’s supposed to be sleeping in his own bed!) is NOT “bullying” or “picking on” her, but they always take HER “side” ( probably because she always “buys” their affection and their loyalty and they gang up on me.She’s even turned them against me as well.) One of the kids hacked into my iPod as well and I got locked out of it. They’re always messing with my stuff and I’m sick of it. I’m just so sick of all this shit. I don’t even feel welcome in my own home. I feel like an outsider in my own family. As well as that they invited their friend from California to come over and stay with us and never even asked ME if it was ok or not…..obviously *I* have no “say” in the matter( or in anything that goes on around here) and my opinions don’t count or matter. I feel like a hostage here and I HAVE to get out….
I still dream of a True Love as well, even though it’s too late and I’m too ugly to love, I can still dream. The only one that loves me is the dog; even my hubby doesn’t love me( we both just “settled”; neither of us could do any better) and I wish I could find a good man that loves me despite my looks, my weight, my limitations, and my age. I ‘m not attractive in the least and have no redeeming qualities, but perhaps he’ll find *SOMETHING* alluring about me and be captivated by me; he’ll love me for me, for the person that I am on the inside, he’ll be thoughtful and kind and treat me with love and respect. He’ll see me as beautiful despite everything because he loves me, and when we look at eachother it will be electrifying; our hearts will quiver, our knees will tremble,we’ll get goosebumps,and we’ll feel breathless and dizzy.
My True Love will be thoughtful and romantic and he’ll walk by a field of lilacs growing wild and he’ll pick me a bouquet because he’ll remember that lilacs are my fave. flower, or he’ll see a stuffed toy hippo in a gift shop and he’ll pick one up for me just because, knowing I love hippos, and he’ll leave cute little love notes around the house to inspire me, we’ll go on romantic dates walking along the beach at sunset, have a picnic among a field of sunflowers, go skinny-dipping in the lake at dusk. We’ll fall in love at first sight and be instantly drawn to eachother and know it was meant to be.He will love me, faults and all. It takes a strong man to love a broken woman but he will help me heal thru love and tenderness, and for the first time in my life I will know what it’s like to be loved,and I will be happy. Does a love like this really exist? I so desperately need a love like this, and who can help me get away from my toxic family and toxic environment that only brings me down; I can’t do it on my own( I have no $$$ and nowhere to go) and I need help, and I need love.
My spirit is dying. My soul is dying.