Black Dog.

BlackDog I can feel The Darkness slowly starting to creep back in once again. It never swoops in suddenly, but slowly, a bit at a time, until it envelops me entirely. I am already on 2 anti-depressants, one of which the doctor has me on double the dose I originally started off with, but like with my migraine medication, after awhile I grow “used” to it and develop a “tolerance” and it no longer works as well as it once did and I need the dosage upped…but how much higher can I keep going? How far is TOO far? Isn’t there a limit at some point? I have struggled with depression ever since I was 13 and combined with my Asperger’s and Social Phobia it leaves me deflated and defeated. I have no energy, no interest in anything, I’m lethargic and apathetic, I don’t care about anything anymore, I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything; all I want to do is sleep, everything just seems so hopeless and pointless, I feel so dull and flat…

I have been haunted with thoughts of suicide for most of my life( since I was 13) and have had anxiety disorders for as long as I can remember; even as a kid I was always nervous, anxious, high-strung, and a worrier. It just intensified and got worse as I got older and the traumas entered into my life and piled up one on top of the other, and the Asperger’s has always been there; we just didn’t know what it WAS until just recently and the Social Phobia appeared once the bullying in school started. I am a basket case.

Things It seems to me that we’re all just trying to survive: animals in the wild, the insects that eat the plants in our gardens, the raccoons that raid our garbage cans, the kids in public school, and depressed individuals like myself that drudge thru each day successfully without committing suicide.(I love Albert Camus’ words, “Your greatest accomplishment each day is deciding not to commit suicide.”) We really are no different, just trying to get by and survive any way we can, in our own respective environments, doing whatever we have to  in order to survive. Some days though it seems to be an almost impossible task and it’s only by the grace of God that I’m still here.

As well, I saw in a movie they said you learn more about someone after they die and it’s true; I found out things about both my father and grandfather after they’d died that I didn’t know before and I also know for a fact that after *I* die my kids will find out alot of secrets about me that they don’t know now, and today is also our oldest’s birthday; he’s 26 (HAPPY BIRTHDAY! if you’re reading this!!) and I saw Buddy had BLOOD in his ca-ca and it worries me; I hope it’s just something he ate( like shards from a stick or a sharp piece off a bone) and nothing serious and he’s not going to die; he’s the only light and the only joy in my life and if I lose him I’ll have nothing left to live for anymore!

I also got a notice from Facebook saying Buddy’s profile violates their terms of agreement; apparantly he’s a “brand, organization, or public figure” (who knew?) and I had to change his profile over to a “page” to get “likes” instead of “friends” but I was still able to save, download, and transfer all the info, photos, etc. I already had on his profile before over onto the new page so nothing was lost. I got a notice in the mail I have to re-new to the new photo ID re-newable health card as well( shit….I was hoping they wouldn’t notice and they’d let me just die off….esp. if I AM going to die before I’m 50 like I’ve always thought…) but they caught up to me and I had to go down there and get the new card; I had to bring 3 ID’s and get my photo(mugshot) taken and I should get the new card in a few weeks.Ugh. They asked if I wanted to be an organ doner,too,but it just creeps me out, it’s like getting carved open like a Thanksgiving turkey after you’re dead and being harvested for spare parts….yeeecch…it just makes me gross….besides, I doubt my organs are any good,anyway; I know my liver and kidneys would be “shot” for sure, and the whole idea of my dead body parts walking around in someone else’s body grosses me out!

The election is just in a few days as well and I have changed my alleigence due to the PC’s now being racist and anti-immigration; I have become very disappointed in them and now support the NDP, I have gone back to my “Communist roots”….ha,ha….always the “radical”, the revolutionary…ha,ha…never Liberal though…as “charming” as Justin Trudeau may seem he’s still a Liberal; the same party, the same policies,different face, same deception, the most corrupt and morally bankrupt of them all, and look what they did to Ontario….can you imagine if they got the entire COUNTRY? I don’t care about this shit-hole but I still DO have to live here in the meantime….his charm and good looks can only take him so far….I’m wary of the Liberals and won’t be fooled….he’s like the wolf in sheep’s clothing…