If I had a scan done of my heart I would assume it would look like any other heart, like anyone else’s heart( assuming I don’t have any cardiac problem we don’t yet know about,that is) with 4 chambers and all, but looks can be deceiving. You may not be able to tell by looking, and imaging scans won’t pick it up but my heart has been broken many times. Betrayed. Stomped on. Lied to. Tricked. Deceived. Sorrowful.Sad. Desolate.Crushed.Hurt.Scarred.Damaged.Shattered.Torn apart.Bleeding.Sobbing.Beaten.Despairing.Smashed….and usually by someone that I love or that is supposed to love me. It’s been broken so many times and yet it continues to beat it. It’s a survivor, my heart, just like I am, and it’s not true that you can die from a broken heart otherwise I would have long ago,and many times over. I’m surprised that my old heart is still able to beat strong considered all it’s been thru, but it’s a warrior and like a Timex watch it takes a lickin’ but keeps on tickin’!
Someone also said that wishes are dreams that when captured have the ability to come true. I just wish that my hopes, wishes,and dreams could come true but it’s impossible. I will never be happy, not in this lifetime at least.That’s a fact.I wish I could live the life I want but it’s always out of my reach.I like to imagine that I’m beautiful, and that I have beautiful almond-shaped, cat-like eyes,and I pretend that I exude confidence but in reality I feel like a 15 YR old girl trapped in the body of a 48 YR old woman and am more like those overweight frumpy, dowdy middle-age characters that Melissa McCarthy portrays in the movies, the ones that are unattractive and can never find love, that can never catch a break, that are lonely and unhappy. That’s me.
As well, the 20 YR old continued to tear me down yesterday, telling me I “must weigh 200 pounds”, and that I’m “all blubber” and a “Tub ‘O Lard” etc. and I laughed along with him( other previous tactics such as yelling at him, telling him it’s hurtful, or just ignoring him or walking away haven’t worked) because that’s what you’re supposed to do with bullies, not let them see your pain and not let them know they “get” to you, even though really it hurts.He also did his jiu-jitsu moves on me( twisting my ankle and leg) and almost broke it, and it really hurt,and I kept telling him to stop but he just sadistically laughed.(he stole my spot on the couch and wouldn’t move so I sat on him so he’d get off but he wouldn’t; he did the jiu-jitsu moves on me instead.)Tomorrow is also his birthday and his wisdom teeth are coming in now too and bothering him. I had 2 of mine removed due to infection but still have the other 2 left. The 12 YR old is also going gliding with Cadets today!