Hospital Visit.

hospital building  My hubby, mother,the 16 YR old,and I visited the 17 YR old at the hospital following his suicide attempt. He’s in the psychiatric ward and will be there for a few days, for 72 HRS anyway and then likely on an outpatient basis until he’s stabilized. He originally went to the ER here but was transferred by ambulance to a bigger hospital with a psych ward in a bigger town. He had swallowed 50 pills and slashed his wrists with a razor blade yet none of us saw it coming but upon probing the kids they’d said a couple of his friends knew he was depressed as did the 19 YR old who’s away at university yet NO ONE thought to tell my hubby and I so that we could get him some help and maybe have prevented this, esp. the 19 YR old who’s STUDYING psychology and should KNOW how serious depression IS (and what it can lead to if untreated) esp. seeing me struggle with it and what a difference it made once I got on medication.

As it turned out it was his online friend all the way in California that found out first and alerted us and ultimately saved his life: he had mentioned it to her and she told the 21 YR old who told my hubby so he was able to get him to the ER in time and by then 2 HRS had already passed since he’d ingested the pills and he was incoherent; it’s lucky he survived! I know what it’s like though as I’ve been there myself suffering from depression since I was 13 and tried to kill myself 3 times and statistics show that once you attempt it once you usually try it again and it really worries me about him, esp. as depression is a life-long struggle and a battle that you fight daily. I feel guilty,too, as what if there is a genetic factor and he “got” it from me?

The hospital was like a prison as well, the doors were all locked and we had to be buzzed in by staff and all bags were searched. Patients also wandered the halls and they were entertaining to watch (but seemed like nice people,and they were harmless) and he oddly seemed kind of upbeat for someone that’s suicidal but then again he’s probably just hiding it as he never showed any indication before and it just came out of nowhere, and it was awkward though and we didn’t really know what to say to him and the drive home we practically just sat in silence; no one knew what to talk about, we’re still shocked, stunned, running on empty and emotionally “spent.” My nerves are so “shot” and I’m so stressed out I’m trembling and my hands are shaking and I’m  grateful the initial crisis is over and he’s stable but now I fear the fall-out: what if he tries it again? What if he SUCCEEDS,and what if the hospital reports us to Child Welfare following his suicide attempt and they take the other kids?

This is all just so overwhelming and fear, stress, worry, and dread is swirling around in my head and I can hardly even think; I’m functioning on auto-pilot right now; my world has just been rocked to it’s core and I’m reeling……I just hope it’s not due to anything that *I* unwittingly said or did.

“…and there are storms we cannot weather….”

from “I Dreamed A Dream” from “Les Miserables.”