Pondering For Today.

Eyes .

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The Ultimatum.

Ultimatum My hubby flipped out on me, ranting,raving,and screaming at me that I’m a “druggie” a “pothead” a “bad example” etc. and that he’s “done” and I’m “dead” to him(I’ve been “dead” to him for YRS already),and that now the kids are doing drugs and getting drunk( He says they’re drinking and posting about it online but it’s the first I’ve heard about it and they denied it) and that I “got them started” etc. even though they were doing long before me and I only smoke pot because it helps my migraines( he says that’s “just my excuse” and how I try to “justify” it) and was raging that I’m “ruining” the family and going into a “downward spiral” and treating me like I’m some sort of meth addict or crack whore or something! He said I either stop smoking weed or he’s out of here and said that he’s even already checked out an apt. and will sign the lease in the new YR and come every second weekend to visit the kids.

I’m just shocked and stunned,and then he screams at me that he’ll quit his job and go on welfare so that he won’t have to pay me anything and I’ll lose the house and have nothing and he’ll “destroy” me and he’s completely ignoring me now and not even talking to me at all,and my mother’s taking HIS side,too,and says *I* should just move out (and that she’d rather have me leave than him) and that he “contributes more” to the family than *I* do and I’m just so sick and tired of them always blaming me for everything, treating me like shit, and being rejected, unwanted,and unloved, I’m tempted to take him UP on his offer and LET him go; then he won’t be around here treating me like shit anymore,and I can always go on disability to get $$$ and have my medications covered and even get transportation to my medical app’t’s, so I DON’T need him as much as he thinks I do and who does he think he IS anyway thinking that I need his “permission?”He treats me like I’m one of the kids. He’s so controlling and always threatening and blackmailing me all the time I do or say something HE doesn’t like and I’m tired of it,and I’m sick of not having any “say”, of not having a “voice”,and not having any control over my own LIFE and of never having any support.

I also think that what’s *REALLY* going on is that HE’S just tired of family responsibilities( paying for stuff, driving everyone everywhere,etc.) and this is just his EXCUSE to get out of it; to leave and walk away,and if it’s not this then it’ll be another time over something else and if he’s determined to leave then he’ll leave and maybe we’ll be better off? I leave it with God and pray what I should do; is this ultimatum and my bad reaction the other day perhaps a “sign” that I should stop the weed(even though it does help my migraines) or should I NOT let him push me around and stand strong and is this perhaps my chance to break free of him and be free? I do hate it every time I have something that helps me or makes me happy he always has to take it away, so maybe it’s best that he DOES leave, and then he and my mother won’t be able to shit on me anymore?

I’m so desolated and destroyed that they both made it very clear that they want me gone and don’t want me around and that they don’t care about relief for my migraines and don’t think I’m of any  value to this family I should just kill myself. With me gone they would get their wish and everyone would be better off. They obviously think that I’M the problem so if I remove myself from the equation then everyone will be happy. Problem solved. I WON’T let him destroy me; I’ll destroy myself FIRST. I’m tired of living this miserable life. They’ll be glad I’m gone….the only thing is who will they have to kick around then?

I also took down some of the Christmas lights and my hubby and mother raged at me I “ruined” it and I “ruin everything” and I “never listen” because I slipped off the chair and fell and one of the lights broke….but they never cared that *I* got hurt…typical.

This is goodbye. I even wrote out my suicide note.

I’m done.

Marijuana Socks.

MarijuanaSocks The 17 YR old said when he was at the mall recently that he saw a pair of marijuana socks similar to the ones seen here and he almost got them for me for a Christmas gift but didn’t end up doing it, probably because my hubby was with him at the time, either that or they cost too much. In any case I thought it was nice of him and I LOVE them and decided that the next time I go to the store I’m just going to buy it myself and it cam be MY gift( it can be my birthday gift) to myself!

We also had our first real snow last night, 5- 8 cm or so; before that we’d just had one light “dusting” before but this was the first real measurable snowfall. The 21 YR old’s friend visiting from California is happy as she was hoping to see snow. We also got to try out the new snowblower but poor Buddy hated it; when I took him out for his walk he just stood there, frozen and motionless, like he was thinking, “What the hell happened?” and he refused to move! It took forever to get the poor dog to go to the bathroom!

I took down our Christmas tree as well, and the oldest and the 21 YR old got in trouble from my hubby during the night: they were smoking up and it stunk up the entire house and my hubby got really mad and was yelling at them in his mean angry and loud mad-dad voice how it “really reeks!” and he even had to open the front door and when I got up in the morning my mother even accused me, except it wasn’t me this time; I was in bed, fast asleep. Today the 21 YR old’s also sick and he’s been barfing all day and he had to call in work sick and now my mother’s worried he’ll get fired for taking so much sick time off, esp. over Christmas time.

I also wonder if my passing out and having seizures the other day had anything to do with the marijuana afterall, or if it was pure coincidence and would have happened anyway; that it was maybe due to a medical issue and it just happened at the same time I was “hitting” the bong and would have still happened regardless? I didn’t think weed was supposed to  make you react like that, so maybe it had nothing to even do with it? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see; see if it happens again when I smoke up, or if it still happens randomly even when I don’t…

Tripping Out.

HighStoned I had a headache so I “hit” the bong and it got rid of the headache….and did much,much more! For the very first time ever I got stoned, and do I EVER mean stoned; I was high as f*ck only I didn’t know what it WAS as I’d never experienced anything like it before and I was really scared actually because I thought I was DYING! I thought I was having a medical emergency so I went and got the oldest, who was laughing his ass off, and kept reassuring me that I was ok, that I wasn’t dying,and, in fact, was just tripping out,and to just relax and try to enjoy it. I honest-to-God thought I was having a heart-attack or a stroke though and was convinced I was dying.

I used a joint’s worth of weed and put it in the bong and got to work and the first “buzz” I felt was like with “laughing gas”; I felt dizzy, woozy and light-headed and kind of “floaty” and when I stood up I was dizzy and the music on the radio started to “expand” and “shrink”, sounding far away and then louder,then far away,then louder again, and I felt like I was going to pass out so I laid down on my bed. At first I thought there was something wrong with the sound on my radio but then realized it was with my own hearing and I was on the verge of blacking out. I was in a state of altered consciousness and kept switching from a sort of “twilight-sleep” stage like when you’re waking up from an anesthetic and you’re sort of half-in and half out of consciousness, it was like a dream within a dream, in a different dimension, and I felt paralyzed and “left” my body at times, disconnecting from my body,separating, and became “two” people, disoriented, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Time also felt like it had slowed down and things were moving in slow motion. My bedroom walls were “breathing” in and out  as well and closing in on me and my ceiling was changing colour and texture. My oldest came in to check in one me and he looked very tiny as did my bed but the rest of my room seemed huge; time, space, and perception were all altered, and everything was surreal. I was also hallucinating and at times was unable to tell reality from hallucinations. I hallucinated I was in the hospital being wheeled down the hallway on a gurney,and that I was running thru a grassy field,  and I was cold and shivering at times and also aware I had a couple of seizures when I was coming out of unconsciousness; my legs were straight out and rigid and stiff, as were my arms, with my hands clenched like claws and I was violently shaking. At times my heart was racing yet another time I couldn’t even feel my heart and I was convinced that I was dead. I was aware of feeling Buddy moving around in the bed beside me and the “logical” part of me knew it was him yet the “other me” was convinced that the sound was someone coming in my room.

To tell you the truth it was a frightening experience and I’m sure what’s referred to as a “bad trip”. I didn’t think marijuana made you react like that and it really makes me wonder if perhaps it was maybe “laced” with something else, like crack or heroin, or something? I’ve been using marijuana for 2 months now for my migraines and I’ve never gotten “high”, had any reactions, or been affected like this before so I don’t know what it was or why this time was so different. The oldest said it’s stronger with the bong than smoking a joint, but I used the bong the other night too and nothing happened. I’m still affected by it today as well ; I still don’t feel quite “right” or like my usual self yet.

Now I know what being “stoned” feels like. I was scared and tried to close my eyes and sleep to make it go away but I still kept “seeing” things even so; my brain wouldn’t turn it off until I eventually fell asleep. The scariest was not being able to tell what was real and what wasn’t; having your mind playing tricks on you like that, and the feeling that you’re dying. That was intense.