Happy New Year!

LastYR Happy New YR! I have no reason to think that 2016 will be any better, or any different, than 2015 or than any other YR of my life: shitty and hopeless. Yeah, I know…I’m still here. I came close to killing myself last night( I even had the pills and had even researched how many mg it takes to be lethal) but the 12 YR old must have suspected something was “up” as she came into my room as I was going up to bed and then I got scared so I decided to sleep on it and pray on it for the night and  see if there was any change or any hope the next day, which, of course, there wasn’t, and when I woke up my hubby was gone; he’d just left,and I thought he was gone for good and had no idea where he was but he did eventually come back. I was really angry,too; how DARE that f*cker(and my mother as well) treat me the way he does and drive me to the edge of suicide! Who does he think he IS? I really WOULD be better off without him! He’s ruined my life and makes me miserable!HippoNY HippoNY#2My hubby has also  forbidden me from smoking weed( even though it helps my migraines, but he doesn’t care about that) unless I can get a legal medical marijuana prescription( so I’ve sent messages checking into a couple of places and am just waiting to hear back) even though HE’S not “above” breaking the law HIMSELF when it suits HIM(but he’s a hypocrite) and I went over to Patti’s as I needed a friend to talk to and she was outraged at how my family treats me and she was crying with me(and said I can call her and come over any time, day or night) and said she’ll  help me apply for disability and to find my own rent-geared-to-income place so I can move out on my own and escape this toxic environment(but I don’t think I can survive on my own)and then my mother screeches that I’m “selfish” and “endangering” everyone else if I get social services/ any gov’t agency involved and said I can’t give OUR address(I have to use Patti’s) and they can’t come to our house and if they do she’ll deny that I live here, etc. She really IS a piece of work, and when she asked the kids who’d they’d rather leave, me or my hubby, they said me(because they’ve “poisoned” them against me)so they’ve made it very clear that I’m NOT wanted or valued in this family and they want me gone.

I also went to Confession and talked to our parish priest about coming close to suicide and told him that I don’t know if I can really hold on and he was very sympathetic and compassionate and he said that HE cares about me( as does Patti) and said that he’d pray for me and advised if I feel like that to go to the ER, but it would be a painless, peaceful death, just go to sleep and never wake up; it would be like euthanizing an animal, but I offer it to God and pray for a sign what He wants me to do and what direction I should take; all I know is I’m miserably unhappy and my family treats me like shit and don’t want me around, and I could just say goodbye to everything and it could all be over and this could be the last time that I’m ever scared, sad, desolate, despairing, anxious, hurt, etc…..

As well, my credit card got hacked; 2 days after I’d ordered something online there was a 200$ charge to Tim Horton’s that I didn’t make so we called the credit card company and they cancelled the card and will be sending me a new card,and the 21 YR old’s friend visiting from California heard a “pop!pop!pop!” as a car drove over a patch of ice but she thought it was a drive-by shooting and ducked and it’s sad that she’s been “conditioned” to automatically react like that,and her, the 19 YR old,and the oldest all return home after the holidays this weekend as well.

 

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