Today is my birthday. I’m 49 but I FEEL much older! I started to fall apart when I was 45. That’s when I had my gallbladder out and then everything else started to fall apart as well. I feel like a broken down old jalopy that needs an over-haul. I’ve always had a “feeling” my whole life( ever since I was a kid) that I’ll die before I’m 50 and if that’s true then this is also my last birthday,too.I’m also tired of feeling bad and I want to do something that feels good and I need something good to happen in my life and something good to look forward to.
Today with the wind-chill it also feels like – 25 C as well so I’m freezing my ass off. Yesterday I forgot it was Sunday as with the holidays I got all screwed up what day it was and I just got the kids up for church 15 minutes before it started so it was a big frenzied rush, and I always see the same people there every week and wonder what their lives are like the rest of the week, and I like church; it feels like my cozy home. I look forward to when I die as well as I’ll wake up HAPPY, and in somewhere( hopefully Heaven) where I’m loved, welcome,and where I fit in and belong,I just wonder what will happen though to all the people on my prayer list; who will pray for them when I’m gone, or will I be even *more* effective interceding for them from the other side?
My hubby says he’s afraid with my medical marijuana that I’ll “turn into a drug addict” but I think he’s just biased against it because his brother was an addict, and he says that I’m “hurting myself” but I don’t know WHY he even cares though when both he and my mother want me gone and when I said he’d be happy when I’m dead he didn’t deny it,either, and when I really think about how he treats me and takes away and ruins everything that I enjoy I really HATE him and get really MAD and I have the right to be,too! Meeting him was my biggest regret and marrying him my biggest mistake.
I also wonder if there really is a way that I can “safely” apply for disability so that I’ll have my own $$$$, have an income to support myself, have drug coverage and transportation( they provide for you) for medical app’ts so I won’t have to be dependent or rely on my hubby, only without mentioning that I even HAVE kids, as so NOT to risk exposing or endangering our homeschooling? The problem is if they want to see my income tax statement though as the kids are listed on it…as with everything else in my life I pray about it and ask God to direct me what I should do…