About Last Night…

Survivor(new) I’m mad: I SURVIVED my suicide attempt last night. I was really mad when I woke up to find that I was still here. I was so shattered and spent that I just didn’t want to live anymore so I swallowed over 40 morphine pills that I had left over from my last surgery along with a few ativan for good measure and I lay down in my bed, curled up with Buddy and waited to die. The plan was to fall asleep and to never wake up and after about 30 minutes I was feeling “woozy” so I was hopeful it was starting to work and so I said my final prayers to God and prepared to die.

I was ready.

Only I didn’t die. I’m such a loser I can’t even KILL myself properly; even THAT doesn’t work out right for me,either! How could taking all those pills NOT be fatal? Today, however, I’m sure feeling the after-effects of it and am violently ill( it feels like when you have a really bad Flu) :Barfing whenever I try to stand up, feeling like I’m going to faint if I stand up,sore,achy ears, feeling “disconnected” and “spacey” all day,unable to concentrate or focus or think, feeling like I have really bad jet-lag and just wanting to sleep all day,and a splitting headache. My guess is that my body is “purging” itself of the pills,and my only explanation as to why I wasn’t successful is that it simply wasn’t my “time” and God has other plans for me. I didn’t go to the hospital either as they would try and “reverse” it and I WANT to die.

When I told my mother in the morning she just stared at me blankly and said, “WHY would you DO that?” (Really? She seriously has to ask WHY?) and my hubby said the 17 YR old was “just in a bad mood all day”(so like to not take what he said personally or too seriously) but it’s not just the usual teens hating their parents and mouthing off; it’s more than that; my entire family hates me and wants me gone. I’m a failure at everything I do and having kids was my dream and it just turned out to be a nightmare.My mother told the kids too(I wish that she wouldn’t) and she said that they were actually surprised but I don’t know why; I mean, suicide seems to me to be a “natural” way for someone with depression and bipolar (like me) to die; it’s just a matter of when and I have tried it before.

As if that wasn’t enough, more interesting things happened today as well: we have a ground hog in our basement that we have to somehow trap and release,and our microwave oven exploded so we had to get a new one.