Winter Dreams.

Tobogganing We got more snow again, incl. lots during the night and it looks like a fairy-tale Winter Wonderland or snowglobe. I can still remember all the fun I had in winter as a kid; skating,skiing, and tobogganing. I was skating since I was a toddler and my friend Denise and I would go skating and tobogganing every winter, esp. during the 2 weeks of Christmas holidays during grades 7 and 8. It was so much fun and it made me feel like a kid again; I felt so free, and it was a welcome distraction from the cruel taunts and bullying I endured daily at school,and for a short while I felt carefree as I sailed down the hill, feeling almost as if I could fly, an escape from the stress and anxiety of my life, and temporarily I was transported to another world where I could just lose myself.

As well, what I *thought* was de-toxing from my overdose/suicide attempt being really sick must have just been a virus as now the 12 YR old’s sick and barfing as well,and I smoked the “herb” for my killer headache( and it worked; the headache vanished) and I “tripped” again( for only the second time) this time,too, only I wasn’t as scared this time (and I didn’t seizure or lose consciousness)as I was aware what it WAS and that I wasn’t dying, so I could allow myself to just relax and take it all in, so when it got intense and overwhelming I just had to remind myself what it was. It would come and go in “waves” and I could feel it coming on as a “buzzing” starting in my ears and then I’d “feel” a “vibration” and get this weird funny feeling all over and “leave” my body and every time I DID Buddy could “sense” something and he’d start whimpering and whining! I could see everything in several different dimensions as well and perception was altered, for example, stairs would seem steeper than they actually were and it felt like I was laying on the couch without the cushion. Listening to music I could also hear it distinctly in separate parts.

I also figure a good thing about my suicide attempt NOT being successful is that if it WAS then I’d never find out what happens on my fave. TV show, and a friend said it perfectly when you’re depressed and suicidal and in the depths of despair, “It’s hard to see yourself when you’re covered in shit”which says it all, and the university called and asked for my hubby as well(but he wasn’t home) and it worried me; that the 19 YR old was sick or had been hurt in an accident or something, but she’d texted one of the kids and said she was fine, luckily, but I wonder what it WAS?