Red Flags.

RedFlag(new)  Yesterday my mother scolded me for eating a protein bar as “They’re EXPENSIVE!” and she only wants them for the kids; I’m not “worth” spending the cost on, and my hubby bought this machine like in the malls that irons a transfer onto T-shirts so we can now custom-design our own shirts and when I said I’d take a large he snickered an EXTRA large, insinuating I’m FAT, and grumbled about me going to church that I’m “messing everything up again”,as he wanted to do something else, hinting that anything for me is a burden or an inconvenience. I’m just soooo tired of the way my family treats me; it’s emotional abuse and  I don’t like the way it makes me feel about myself and it’s hard always being put down, belittled, demeaned,and devalued, and marrying my hubby is one of my biggest regrets; he’s ruined my life, and if only I knew then what I know now….

I would have ran, not walked, as far away as I possibly could.

There WERE a few “Red Flags”, or warning signs, early on, where I knew it was a bad idea, but by then I was already too far in, too “invested”; in too “deep” that it wasn’t that easy to get out! I was either already prego with our first child or already had kids. We DID separate for a short time during the early 90’s for about a YR when I was prego with my third baby, but then there was the nasty custody battle where he tried to take the kids away from me and even use my childhood abuse against me to “twist” it to try and make it look like due to it that I was a bad mother. It was awful. We eventually worked it out though and reconciled.

The first Red Flag was when I was prego with the first baby and we were visiting his uncle and his uncle and his mother had this disagreement, and it was over a simple thing, nothing really, but he over-reacted and lunged at his elderly uncle and jumped on top of him, beating the hell out of him,and it took 4 others to pull him off! I had NEVER seen him act like that, and it was scary seeing him so violent, and over nothing! I was *REALLY* shaken up by that!! The second thing was when we were at a restaurant and when I left to use the bathroom he stole a handful of utensils and put them into MY backpack(but never told me of course) and I walked out with them, totally unaware! When I opened it later and found out I was horrified but he just laughed it off as a “joke” but I didn’t think it was “funny” at all!

Another Red Flag that became a big issue and that was about control was when our first child was born and he’d “monopolize” him as soon as he’d come home from work; he’d pick him up and wouldn’t even let me hold him, pick him up, or even go NEAR him the whole time he was home; it was like I was only “allowed” to be his mother while he was away at work, but while he was home I was off-limits to my own baby! When I would try to pick him up or take him out of his arms he’d snarl, “He’s FINE where he IS!” That really hurt me deeply and needless to say I was very eager for him to go to work every day and dreaded each day when he’d come home! Fortunately the “novelty” wore off with the following kids and he didn’t really bother with them much as babies; that was “my” time with them; he didn’t really bother much with them until they were older and could do more. The next warning was when he was over visiting a friend of ours and he stole a bunch of his music CD’s. He denied it of course, but they were there when he’d arrived….and were gone when he’d left so it doesn’t take a genius to figure out who stole them…I was mortified….

Too bad that you can’t “undo” what’s been done or change the past.

I wish life had a re-set button.

Hindsight is everything.