Out Of Step.

HippoSteps I was involved with a discussion online about a photo of a little girl and how it was tagged as “offensive” that she was praying at her mother’s grave…and I, as always, posted a comment, not even noticing that it WAS at a gravesite; I just thought she was sitting in the grass playing in the garden; once again I didn’t “get” it, as always, with my Asperger’s I’m always out of step, I miss the boat, the parade always passes me by, I’m oblivious and clueless, I’m not with the program, I’m out of tune, out of touch, on a different page, miss the mark, etc. you get the idea. I just don’t see, notice,interpret,process, react to,or understand things the same way that other people do and I always end up embarrassing myself and looking stupid and then I wonder why I even bothered to participate, comment, get involved, care, etc. in the first place as I only end up laughed at, belittled, or criticized anyway.

It’s so hard being different.

My family is no different and they hate me for being what I am as well even though I can’t help it and are constantly berating,demeaning, devaluing, and ridiculing me for it and for being me, and when I was upset about something the 18 YR old scoffed, “Everything’s NOT always about YOU!”  and when I replied, “Nothing’s EVER about me!” he goes, sarcastically,”Oh, poor muffin!” and the 14 YR old sniped, “That’s because you’re so annoying!” and she was being mouthy and disrespectful so I warned her to cut it and to watch her mouth if she didn’t want a smack upside her head and the 18 YR old said if I did that HE’D “kick me across the room” and then he cackled to me, “Go smoke some weed!”They always talk to me like that and treat me like this.

I hate my family.

One of our relatives in Europe is also in the hospital with a heart-attack and she just got over being hospitalized with pneumonia recently,too….shit…hopefully she’ll get thru this too….she’s just in her 60’s.

One Month Left?

April2016 I have always had a feeling ever since I was a kid that I would die before I’m 50 and if that’s true it means I’m going to die this YR as I turn 50 in January. I’d think the most likely time this YR that I’d die would probably be in May based on the fact that most people in my family seem to die in May plus May is always a bad luck month for us, when something bad usually happens, and in the past it has incl. our dog dying, a job loss, our fire, our enemy coming after us,among other things, all in May. If that’s true, it means that I only have one full month(April) left…one month left on this Earth…one month left to live…

My dying wish is that I go to Heaven,and that my kids come back to God and to their faith,and that they raise their *own* future kids in it and don’t neglect their religious upbringing like mine was growing up.It will be interesting to see what happens and if I do die in May(or anytime this YR) how and when it will occur, and I would guess something quick(which I prefer) and hopefully in my sleep….the prospect is exciting! It really could be soon!

I also came across a blog post of how a mother of special-needs kids said how isolated and lonely she feels and it sums up perfectly how *I* also feel having Asperger’s and Social Phobia: having a deep longing inside for a friend but knowing I have nothing to give in return(and that I will just be rejected) makes me hesitant to reach out so I remain lonely because I feel guilty asking someone to befriend me when I’m so needy.

I wipe away invisible tears and wonder why I thought it was a good idea to leave my house when I have nothing to share and nothing anyone else can relate to and the loneliness threatens to overwhelm me yet again and the lonely feeling creeps over me.

SpeakPromises  I would be so grateful if I could just have a good moment.Just staying alive requires all my brain power.

“Ketchup” Post.

KetchupMarch2016 Catching up:

  • I want to dye my hair purple.
  • My mother and hubby berated me again, “You NEVER do what you’re TOLD!” but I told them I’m NOT one of the kids ; I’m an adult,and I DON’T have to do what THEY tell me!
  •  I heard somewhere that tattoos are expressions of your inner pain, and if so, that would explain why I have so many. I have 12 or 13; I ‘ve lost count…
  • I had a nightmare Buddy was missing for a week and it woke me up scared but when I felt him snuggled up beside me in bed I realized it was just a dream and he was ok and I was so relieved.
  •  The 21 YR old’s friend in California’s graduating class is on a trip in Europe and she said on her flight over she saw Kanye West and that he’s this short little guy!
  • I had a dream that I had colon cancer, and another dream I was slow-dancing with a Jamaican guy and the way he looked at me and I was so in love with him it was like we were the only ones in the room and it felt like we were the only ones in the world at that moment,and I wonder what it really would be like to be with someone that I loved and that loves me, and when my hubby and I had sex it was never a joining of 2 souls or a communion of spirits, but just a body function.
  • I have had imaginary lovers  ever since I was about 15.
  •  The 18 YR old, 16 YR old,and 12 YR old also have inherited my “gift” of being able to see things in dreams ahead of time before they happen, just like my grandmother also had. It must run in my side of the family…
  • The girls decorated their bedrooms and removed the Crucifixes and blessed palms , like they’re “erasing” every trace of Jesus from their rooms and their lives and it really hurts me and makes me sad.
  • Since I stopped Spironolactone my hair is growing  ever faster now than it used to; I guess making up for when it stopped growing while I was on the medication,which I stopped as I didn’t like the side-effects.

Our Easter.

BSDinner For Easter yesterday we had our usual big dinner but my father-in-law wasn’t able to come as he’s sick and they’re being quarantined at the old folk’s home,and we have a virus going thru our house as well( and someone’s always sick over holidays!) that the now 9 YR old and 12 YR old are still getting over. One of the kids’ friends came as she would have been alone otherwise; she lives with her boyfriend but he was away visiting his family. We also had the 19 YR old( who’s away at university) sitting at the diningroom table via Skype, having the laptop sitting at her place-setting during dinner. The kids also had an egg hunt which they “redeemed” at the end for chocolate but my “genius” hubby had the final hiding place in the trailer and it got up to 14 C and it melted!

JC3 We didn’t dye Easter eggs this YR, mainly because we forgot, but also because we were too busy and didn’t have the time, and some of us are still sick. My mother got me a tiny dark chocolate Lindt bunny even though I’ve *NEVER* liked dark chocolate and it hurts my stomach, which she KNOWS, which I think is WHY she gave it to me in the first place, so I just traded it with the kids’ friend for an equal amount(100g) of her milk chocolate as she loves the dark and I prefer the milk chocolate so we were both happy and it was a fair trade.

JC4 I went to the Easter Vigil Mass( I had church 3 days in a row for Holy Week) early as I always like to go early to get into the right frame of mind for worship and to have time to pray and the kids go later….except they didn’t, and it ended 15 minutes early so rather than wait 15 min. for my hubby to come pick me up I walked( and was out of breath…bad idea) home instead and I caught the kids piling into the van in the driveway on the way to pick me up; they were going to pretend they had gone to church and were being picked up too…and he was helping them! I was furious and really disappointed in them! It was bad enough they didn’t go to church, but then to be deceitful and lie about it, that made it 10 times worse! They’re so despicable and that’s a new low, even for them, yet then they wonder WHY *I* think they suck….I like my family less and less all the time….

In church I also saw a baby around 4-5 months old and it reminded me of when the kids were babies and brought back happy memories; that was my fave, time and they were so sweet then, and I can’t believe that I actually went thru that 11 times, did that 11 times, and raised 11 kids, and no matter what anyone says it really IS an accomplishment, and there was a little girl there too cuddling her mother and it made me think about the 12 YR old when she was little,too,when she used to like to cuddle with me, and when she used to love me. I really miss those times….