Out Of Step.

HippoSteps I was involved with a discussion online about a photo of a little girl and how it was tagged as “offensive” that she was praying at her mother’s grave…and I, as always, posted a comment, not even noticing that it WAS at a gravesite; I just thought she was sitting in the grass playing in the garden; once again I didn’t “get” it, as always, with my Asperger’s I’m always out of step, I miss the boat, the parade always passes me by, I’m oblivious and clueless, I’m not with the program, I’m out of tune, out of touch, on a different page, miss the mark, etc. you get the idea. I just don’t see, notice,interpret,process, react to,or understand things the same way that other people do and I always end up embarrassing myself and looking stupid and then I wonder why I even bothered to participate, comment, get involved, care, etc. in the first place as I only end up laughed at, belittled, or criticized anyway.

It’s so hard being different.

My family is no different and they hate me for being what I am as well even though I can’t help it and are constantly berating,demeaning, devaluing, and ridiculing me for it and for being me, and when I was upset about something the 18 YR old scoffed, “Everything’s NOT always about YOU!”  and when I replied, “Nothing’s EVER about me!” he goes, sarcastically,”Oh, poor muffin!” and the 14 YR old sniped, “That’s because you’re so annoying!” and she was being mouthy and disrespectful so I warned her to cut it and to watch her mouth if she didn’t want a smack upside her head and the 18 YR old said if I did that HE’D “kick me across the room” and then he cackled to me, “Go smoke some weed!”They always talk to me like that and treat me like this.

I hate my family.

One of our relatives in Europe is also in the hospital with a heart-attack and she just got over being hospitalized with pneumonia recently,too….shit…hopefully she’ll get thru this too….she’s just in her 60’s.

One Month Left?

April2016 I have always had a feeling ever since I was a kid that I would die before I’m 50 and if that’s true it means I’m going to die this YR as I turn 50 in January. I’d think the most likely time this YR that I’d die would probably be in May based on the fact that most people in my family seem to die in May plus May is always a bad luck month for us, when something bad usually happens, and in the past it has incl. our dog dying, a job loss, our fire, our enemy coming after us,among other things, all in May. If that’s true, it means that I only have one full month(April) left…one month left on this Earth…one month left to live…

My dying wish is that I go to Heaven,and that my kids come back to God and to their faith,and that they raise their *own* future kids in it and don’t neglect their religious upbringing like mine was growing up.It will be interesting to see what happens and if I do die in May(or anytime this YR) how and when it will occur, and I would guess something quick(which I prefer) and hopefully in my sleep….the prospect is exciting! It really could be soon!

I also came across a blog post of how a mother of special-needs kids said how isolated and lonely she feels and it sums up perfectly how *I* also feel having Asperger’s and Social Phobia: having a deep longing inside for a friend but knowing I have nothing to give in return(and that I will just be rejected) makes me hesitant to reach out so I remain lonely because I feel guilty asking someone to befriend me when I’m so needy.

I wipe away invisible tears and wonder why I thought it was a good idea to leave my house when I have nothing to share and nothing anyone else can relate to and the loneliness threatens to overwhelm me yet again and the lonely feeling creeps over me.

SpeakPromises  I would be so grateful if I could just have a good moment.Just staying alive requires all my brain power.