Weird.

WeirdMe I have been called “weird” my whole life, classmates, the bullies at school, even my friends and family; everyone, yet I couldn’t figure out why exactly. I always knew that I was different, that I wasn’t like other people, that there was something about me that set me apart but I didn’t know specifically what they saw in me that made me considered “weird.” What WAS it about me that always seemed to invite ridicule  and bullying? Why didn’t I ever fit in? Why was it always so hard for me to make friends? Why was I so different?

It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s, until just a couple of YRS ago, that I finally had the answer, that the mystery was solved,and it was like I had finally found the missing piece to the puzzle and the answer to the question that had puzzled me all those YRS and that explained everything: why people didn’t like me, why I was always singled out for ridicule, why I was so awkward socially, why I said or did things that annoyed people yet I wasn’t even aware of and/or had no control over, why I was ostracized, why I always felt like an outsider, why I never understood “social cues” that others just knew naturally, why I struggled with so many things, why I had a perception problem,why I never knew what to say and do or how to act, why I offend people even though it’s not my intention…..

Why there was something bigger than me that I had no control over but that I was always being blamed for but that I was genetically programmed to act upon (although unbeknownst to me at the time) that made me the way I am but I was misunderstood and hated for, yet didn’t even understand myself. It was just me being me and I didn’t know any different because it’s all I knew and I’ve always been like that.

Then people started telling me it wasn’t normal and that I was weird.

It turned out that I have Asperger Syndrome, a form of autism.Back then in the 1970’s though when I was a kid no one even knew about such a thing though, so it went unnoticed and undiagnosed and so people just thought I was just plain weird.Now I know. It’s a relief having a genuine REASON for it, something to EXPLAIN everything. Now it all makes sense.

Now I *finally* know, after all these YRS, why people think I’m weird. I guess they could just “sense” something “off” about me even as I struggled to “hide” it and pretend to be “normal” to fit in. So now I know WHY I have anxiety so bad I chew my nails down to little slivers, and why I repeat things over and over until I feel reassured, or why I’ll often put my underwear on inside-out and not care, or why I’ll obsess and stress over the smallest thing as if it were the end of the world, or have crippling panic attacks, get fixated on something, am a “concrete” thinker,made up my own weird language as a kid, or spent months as a kid thinking I was a dog, etc…

I’m weird…..but at least now I know why…..and now it’s official.