Donuts.

Donuts The other day my mother had the 16 YR old stop off and pick up a dozen donuts at Tim Hortons for everyone but of course she never got any of the kind that I like (I like jelly donuts and chocolate coconut) so I was upset and felt left out and “cheated” and I missed out, to which my mother snarked, “You should be grateful to even have any at ALL!” which, of course, is besides the point if I DON’T have any because there’s none that I LIKE so I DIDN’T get any,and then it triggered a dream a few nights later of a similar situation that they ordered in Chinese food and they got the good stuff and all they gave ME was plain rice and when I mentioned it my mother bawled me out to “be grateful I got anything at all” and I told her that it would be like everyone gets champagne and one personjust gets water,  but the fact of the matter is I’m sick and TIRED of always having to “settle” in life, of always getting everything “second-rate” and always being expected to, and told to, be content with that, as if I don’t deserve and shouldn’t expect, any better.It makes me feel “less-than”, as if I’m not “worth” the best, what I want,what I like, or my first choice, and that crap is all I should expect and all I deserve, sort of like throwing left-overs to the dog.

It also pisses me off that my mother has always told me for my entire life that I *shouldn’t* BE “too picky” or I’ll end up with nothing, and that “good enough is good enough” yet when I regret “settling” and being unhappy that I did(instead of waiting for something/someone better) she blames me and says it’s MY fault for settling and NOT waiting, so I can’t “win” either way!

What the f*ck?

As well, when I was trying to get out the back door I knocked over the brooms and the 14 and 18 YR olds taunted, “Way to go again, Fumbles!” and jeered at me, bringing me back to the days in Jr. High when the bullies treated me the same way and had cruel nick-names for me; some things never change and I just can’t seem to escape it, and I tried out one of my new “joints” too and I found out I can still cook Kraft Dinner( macaroni and cheese) while “high” but I noticed I was alot slower, slower reaction time, I moved slower,and everything felt like it was moving in slow-motion and it took me awhile to figure out where in the fridge the milk and margarine went back! I also “saw” what looked like a doll in a birch tree outside(I even got a suntan face,too) and I “floated” along on a warm ray of sun and when I’m stoned I can “tap” into a part of my brain and recall dreams that I’d had the night before but forgotten as well as go deep into “hidden” parts of my brain and deeper into my consciousness and when I feel like I’m “leaving” my body sometimes it feels like I’m dying but I just surrender  to it and go along with it and just ride the “wave”, and Buddy can sense something’s “off” about me as well and he whimpers and whines.He worries about me and I have to assure him that I’m ok.

All the snow’s gone now as well so we put the trampoline up for the season( so now the 8 YR old can jump on it instead of the furniture!) and I also brought my garden gnomes out of winter hibernation out of the shed a couple of days ago as well. Let’s just hope that we DON’T get any MORE snow now on……