My life and my family have convinced me that I am unlovable. Being ugly and having Asperger’s and Social Phobia,etc.(and now I’m fat,too) my hubby was the only guy that was ever interested in me and now even HE doesn’t want me,and the guys aren’t exactly lining up for me,and I’ve *been* rejected, bullied, abused, ostracized,and victimized my entire LIFE, so what does that tell you? I have NO redeeming qualities, I have nothing to “offer”; I’m not pretty, thin, or even half-way smart, I am crippled by a myriad of medical problems, emotional baggage,traumatized, and damaged and broken beyond repair sometimes I can’t even see how God can possibly love me.No one loves me except for my dog.Do you realize what that DOES to a person?
I visited Patti who told me I should leave my emotionally abusive toxic marriage and go to a shelter and get away from my family that does nothing but degrade me and tear me down and that I should get a fresh start and even if my hubby DOES end up leaving alot of marriages break apart,it’s no big deal, incl.hers,and even my own parents,and leaving my father was the best thing my mother said she did, and perhaps it’s even God answering my prayer for help as I want to break out of my life! My mother even has the nerve to say about my hubby I’m “lucky” to have him as “no one ELSE would put UP with you!” but he’s ruined my life and he hates everything about me yet fails to realize that it’s *because* of HIM that I’m LIKE this; it’s HIS fault I AM this way, broken, beaten-down, depressed,suicidal, miserable, defeated…and I need pills and pot to cope, to get thru each day and deal with my depression, migraines, brokenness, trauma,etc.
The 21 YR old also accused me(just like my hubby did) of smoking weed in the house when in actual fact I was really just burning incense in my room(I burn it every night before bed to help me sleep, a sort of aromatherapy) and I don’t appreciate being falsely accused, and I had a dream last night about my hubby as well that he ruined my ground-up marijuana by putting chili powder in it so I tossed it in his face and it got in his eyes and burned and stung like pepper-spray and I told him that it served him right! He’s even mean to me in my *dreams*,too!
No matter what the future holds, however, I DO know one thing: God will guide me thru it , give me strength,and He will provide our needs like He always has.I know He loves me.
Even if I am unlovable.