My hubby and the 18 YR old drove up to London( a 5 HR drive each way!!) to help the now 20 YR old move. She just finished her first YR of university and is moving out of residence and into a house which she’ll be sharing with other people. Fortunately she doesn’t have too much stuff to move( this is a kid that went to Europe and lived out of a backpack for 2 weeks!) but she needs someone with a van to help her so they’ve gone up for the weekend. The other kids wanted to go up and see her too but then it would have taken up all the seats in the van and there would have been no room left to fold down the seats and move all her stuff which would sort have defeated the purpose! I like it when my hubby’s gone for the weekend or for a few days; I have this feeling of “freedom” as I know he won’t be here to belittle me with his “mantra” : “What part of ‘ —————‘ don’t you understand?” or “What part of ‘———–‘ didn’t you HEAR?” and the like. With him gone I feel like I can just breathe easy and relax.It’s like a mini “vacation” and break for me,too, with him away!
My mother also says she doesn’t sleep well (probably worried about money)and I offered her a joint to help her relax but she got offended and refused(oh,well, don’t say that I didn’t ask) and the 12 YR old has nice long hair but she never washes it(maybe once every 2 weeks if we’re lucky!) and it’s gross and the 16 YR old threatens to cut all her hair off when she’s asleep, and when our enemy threatened our family 13 YRS ago forcing us to flee it broke me and damaged me beyond repair,too, something inside me died,and it took a part of me I’ll never be able to get back and I’ve never been the same since. We also donated baby toys to the neighbours as all our kids outgrew them and it feels weird seeing our stuff in the neighbour’s yard now, sort of like seeing other people living in your old house after you’ve moved…
I also came across this old photo of Toronto TV meterologist Natasha Ramsahai and it goes to show what a good haircut can do for someone: this is how she used to look before her haircut, when it was long and unremarkable-looking…..
and then afterwards, striking, with a stunning short “Pixie” cut that brings out her pretty features and really makes a difference! Some people just look better with short hair( I’m one of them) like Halle Berry, for example, whereas Angelina Jolie looks better with long hair. It all depends on the shape of your face, among other things.
My family sucks. Case in point: the 12 and 14 YR olds decreed to me that I am not to speak to them until I am spoken to(because I am not worthy and I am “beneath” them), the 21 YR old kept referring to me as “fat, obese mother”, and when I got mad that he ate one(without even asking,of course) of my 2 mini turkey, brie, cranberry, almond sandwiches my mother snarked, “Stop being so GREEDY!”…and all that in just one day. Typical of how they treat me though, and I’m always being told how stupid I am,how fat I am, taunt me for looking masculine and say I’m a “man”, and being put down,blamed, demeaned, degraded, called names, talked to condescendingly by my mother and hubby and disrespected by the kids.
I wish someone loved me.
As well, here is an adorable photo of my beautiful boy.I just LOVE this little guy so much! He loves laying out in the sun with me,too, and stretches out beside me as I get my tan, snuggling up next to me. He’s the only one that really loves me.If I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have anyone. I’m so lucky and thankful to have him in my life!!
My left foot has also been really sore for the past few days, the bones at the top, and it hurts so much I can’t bear pressure on it and it’s hard to walk and I limp along and it’s swollen at the top too and I wonder if I maybe broke it somehow but I never fell or kicked anything, banged it, twisted it, and nothing fell on it to injure it, so maybe it’s arthritis, like how I have in my knees? That’s highly likely, esp. as when I move it it does crack alot. My mother likes to rub it in as well that SHE only has to see the specialist(doctor) every 6 months and *I* have to go every 4 months, so she’s better off than me( and I’m in worse shape than her) even though I’m younger and I told her that she should just be grateful that she’s relatively healthy, esp. considering her age.
My weed finally came! Last time it came with the courier but today it came with the mailman(but had to be signed for) so I guess they’re getting cheaper. I was like a kid at Christmas,waiting for, anticipating, and eager to open my gift and happy to receive it, and I rolled up a big fatty and got baked! I bet all the neighbours know when it’s my weed day,too, as I stagger out of the shed, with a plume of smoke wafting out, in a haze of weed, but I make sure the kids never see me smoking up, yet even so there’s no shame it in since it IS for medical purposes,and I haven’t had a migraine now since OCTOBER! Yay weed!!
Yet even so my hubby blames ME that the oldest( he’ll be 27 later this YR) and the 21 YR old smoke up even though they were doing long before I ever tried it(so I had nothing to do with it) he just likes to blame me for everything.He probably thinks it’s my fault I have migraines too. This new order is a stronger strain than the last one as well, so not only will it prevent the migraines but also ease my anxiety and calm my nerves but also help me sleep better at night,too and help any other pain, such as abdomenal cramps. This time I could feel my entire body “vibrating” and moving along in “waves” and it felt like there were “different” “me’s” coming out, which is what I would imagine it must be like having a split personality and I could actually FEEL something “shifting” and changing, and it felt like when you’re about to pass out or just before they put you “under” for surgery, and as I had a bath and was washing my hair and had my head underwater I actually thought I was under a waterfall,but it complicated getting out of the bath as I remembered to put the body oil on but then forget to blot my skin after with a towel and then I wasn’t sure if I actually did dry myself after and almost forgot my deoderant and I put my underwear on inside-out! I notice that being “high” also slows my thinking and thought process as well as my reaction time and time seems to move more slowly,too.
As well, my mother tried to steal my piece of pizza that the 21 YR old gave me(he’d ordered a pizza) but then when she saw it had jalapeno peppers on it she changed her mind (ha,ha, serves her right!)so I still got it afterall but she’s such a PIG, and I saw my hubby chasing Buddy, terrorizing him,and the poor dog running like crazy away from him, and he saw me and raced over to me and lept into my arms, terrified, his poor little heart racing….and my hubby didn’t know I was there(or that I’d see) and tried to make all kinds of excuses that he wasn’t chasing him, teasing him, torturing him, etc.. and that I was “being stupid” but I SAW it with MY OWN EYES and I KNOW what I saw and I wish he would just grow up…. and stop it with all the excuses,too.
Weird: the phone rang before my mother or I (we were both in the living room)were able to pick it up(not that I would with my Social Phobia though) and when she got there the machine had had said”picked up” indicating someone had already picked it up on another line(and before they could leave a message), and all she was able to see of the number was either 844 or 866, which is the first numbers of the medical marijuana legal producer I ordered from the other day so of course I was curious if the call was for me, if there might be some question or problem with my order so I asked my hubby(who was downstairs in his office) who it was but he denied picking up the call and said one of the kids must have but they all said it wasn’t them and genuinely didn’t seem to know what I was talking about or that the phone even rang(they were all upstairs) so I KNOW it WAS him that picked it up and he’s lying again, hiding something and I wonder if he had intercepted my call and had somehow sabotaged it in some way, such as telling them to cancel the order, knowing how he hates it that I use weed even though it’s to help my migraines.
I wouldn’t put it past him, esp. since I DO know that he DOES lie, and I *have* caught him in several lies before(so I don’t trust him) and he DOES also have the Internet in the house rigged up so he’s automatically sent all copies of both mine and the kids e-mails and he monitors everyone’s Internet activity AND he’s read my diary before,too( and then had the nerve to get mad when he read something that he didn’t like!) so he’s proven to be sneaky, untrustworthy, a liar,and disrespectful of my privacy,and I asked him again and again he denied it and I’m esp. concerned as my order should have arrived by now…..I just wonder who it WAS that called and why he always has to lie about everything all the time and cover everything up…..I’m so sick and tired of him being such a liar and of all his lies……
…..and here is a hippo in full body armour that I decorated out of coloured foil from an Easter chocolate.
My mother had this craving for Chinese food for the past few days and wanted to go to the all-you-can-eat buffet but she didn’t want to go alone so she asked me if I wanted to go( Chinese food? You don’t have to ask me twice!!) but she expected me to pay and I told her if it was HER idea and she invited me then she should pay, so we went and as always we gorged ourselves, reminding me of a joke I heard that an all-you-can-eat buffet is an obstacle course for fat people.I never know which way the line goes for the buffet either; just like life; I’m always out of step, out of focus, have no clue. It was also SNOWING,too, and I don’t mean just a few light flurries either but heavy and big flakes! MAKE IT STOP!! It’s almost May and if this is supposed to be some sort of late April’s Fool’s joke or something it’s NOT funny and nobody’s laughing!
As well, my arms( and now my legs,too!) are itching like CRAZY and my arms are all tingly, “pins and needles” at first I thought was my peeling sunburn except it’s not peeling on my legs so I now wonder may be a side-effect of my new diuretic(maybe my potassium’s really low again?) or it could be my liver acting up again? The 19 YR old also is finishing off her last YR of university and she got 95% as her final grade in psychology! My mother also said that even after a YR of school she still hasn’t made any friends yet either and I think that’s just sad. 😦
My Facebook friend in Brazil( she’s 46!) is due to have her baby by cesarian on 9 May, the same day one of my kids turns 13 so they’ll have the same birthday(and her baby’s a girl too) I just hope it isn’t infected by the Zika virus I’ve been hearing about all over the news, and I’ve noticed too that in most other countries they have maternity hospitals where you go to have your babies but not here, it’s just a maternity ward of a regular hospital but the maternity hospital makes alot more sense to me.
I also reconnected with an old friend( from the YMCA group in Ottawa) on Facebook and he’s 53 now and he’s now fat, balding, and has a double-chin,and it’s just soooo unfair and unkind what time and age does to us all, and none of us look like how we did back then, and I saw the saddest thing on the TV news,too: a 16 YR old Native girl mourning the suicide of her sister was describing the hopelessness and despair on her reservation and she said, “If we were white they’d help us but we’re Native….” It’s shameful the awful way the gov’t treats the Native people, like second-class citizens, and how they have to live in Third-World conditions in their own country, being made to feel “less-than”, inferior, worthless, and ashamed to be Native, when there is nothing wrong with being Native and they have just as much value and worth as white people or anyone else.
I also needed to order more weed but the website wouldn’t let me place my order, not accepting when I tried to place it so I tried to call them, which was no small feat with my Social Phobia(I can’t talk on the phone so I had to prepare by taking several deep breaths ahead of a panic attack) but I couldn’t get thru anyway; even though I tried 8 times it kept saying call cannot be completed even though I DID press “1” for sales/customer service like they said…shit…nothing EVER works for me….so I ended up e-mailing them and they got it all sorted out: apparantly my e-mail on the top of the page on my application got cut off during the photo-copy so it couldn’t be verified for the online purchase so they fixed it and I was finally able to place my order online. I just wish things would work out and go right the FIRST time…
Such is my life.