Not Again!

Ambulance(newest) The 18 YR old tried to kill himself *AGAIN* last night! He was found unconscious on the sidewalk bleeding and covered in vomit by a guy going by in his truck who called 9-1-1 and the police showed up at our door at Midnight and when they gave my hubby the news he collapsed and went into shock so BOTH of them were taken by ambulance to the hospital! As you can imagine, the worry, stress, and fear is immense, and I hardly slept much all night, and my stomach is all in knots, I feel sick, have this awful feeling  of dread in the pit of my stomach, am exhausted and drained physically and emotionally and am on auto-pilot. This is all just too much!

My hubby was released this morning but the 18 YR old’s still there and the 16 YR old,my mother, and I went over to see him and they’re concerned he has liver damage from the OD( he’d taken a whole big bottle of Tylenol) and his arms were bandaged from the razor and he’s on an IV to try and counter-act the damage to his liver. Fortunately he was barfing on his own and didn’t need his stomach pumped and even though he’s STILL suicidal they were going to send him HOME tonight and I told them that’s just negligent and if they did send him home still suicidal like that( where he’d just try it again) I would sue their ass and I demanded they transfer him to be admitted to the psych ward at another hospital (I think he needs to be in-patient for at least 1-2 weeks)as he needs help and they finally agreed. I swear, the medical care in this country is a “joke” and the mental health system is even worse! When checking his pockets we also found a lighter,and a razor blade we showed to the nurse and then threw away, and once he does come home we’ll have to have someone with him and watching him and following him 24 HRS a day to make sure he doesn’t harm himself and also have to hide all sharp dangerous objects and lock away all medications.

From what he was saying it sounds like he might be bipolar like me and it’ll be a life-long struggle with some days better and some days worse, with ups and downs, and my fear is that he’ll keep attempting suicide until he eventually succeeds, sort of like playing Russian Roulette; eventually you get the loaded chamber,and if not while he’s still at home being monitored, what happens later when he’s away at university soon and we’re NOT here to “shadow” him all the time and keep an eye on him? I really fear it’s just a matter of time until he succeeds and one time he will end up dead and we’ll be planning a funeral.I feel sick at the thought. This just came out out of nowhere,too; it was in November he’d last attempted and since then he’s in therapy and on medication and seemed to be doing well so this came as a shock as we thought he was improving, and he said after his last attempt the 21 YR old told him that he “doesn’t love him anymore because he tried to kill himself.” What an ASSHOLE! I mean, who SAYS something like that? He needs *support*, NOT condemnation,and I remember he told me I should go kill myself and the world would be better off,too, which is NOT something you should ever say to someone who’s depressed and suicidal, I don’t know what’s *wrong* with him…

I can’t believe this is happening again; it’s like a nightmare that keeps repeating and that we can’t wake up out of…