Beautiful Bridal Flower.

Screen Shot 06-06-16 at 12.52 PM My friend’s daughter( also one of the 20 YR old’s childhood friends) got married over the weekend( photo : Ariana del Mundo Photography) and she was a beautiful bride. I wish *I* was someone’s beautiful bridal flower,too. I never did get my  dream wedding that all little girls dream of. I never married my knight in shining armour/Prince Charming, either.  I also never had a fairytale romance, and I was never a beautiful bride that looked and felt like a princess for a day. I never had my magical day or happy marriage. I was “cheated” out of all of these things and feel a sad loss and regret.

Our wedding was an el-cheapo one; just my hubby and I, along with the wedding officiant and the witnesses,who were friends of the officiant. He wore a blazer and I wore a brown pantsuit. Afterwards we ate at an Italian restaurant and that was it! In total the entire wedding cost a grand total of 250$ incl. the marriage license and the wedding officiant’s fee. Truth be told, I did so against my better judgement, marrying someone I didn’t love: I just settled, and I just wanted to get it over and done with as quickly as possible, plus we had been fighting over who to invite and it was just easier to do it this way.

Originally we did have a big fancy Church  wedding planned and booked for September, with a hotel reception, professional photographer,fancy gown, florist, DJ, limo, bakery,catering,the works and even put down deposits….but he insisted that his drunken brother and his addict brother come and his rowdy nephews as well and I refused, afraid they would make a scene and  ruin it… we just cancelled it(and lost all the deposits)….and did the half-assed wedding in December with just us and NO guests.

So here we are now, all these YRS later, and I hope it’s not too late to still find love second time around(and another chance for my fairytale wedding) and I pray that God sends me someone that CAN love me and not berate and belittle me. I hope there’s someone out there that will LOVE everything about me that my hubby hates; that he will find endearing instead, and that, despite with my medications and fluid retention I now weigh the heaviest I ever have and am such a fat piece of shit that someone can still see something in me that he doesn’t(and that no one else ever has,either) and can love me for who I am instead of trying to change me; that I can be myself with him without always being criticized and put down. Is there anyone out there who won’t be repulsed by me? Is it possible that even someone like me can find love?

You are never too old to dream…..or to hope…..or to need love…..