The 21 YR old was trivializing all my traumas and the damage they have caused me, all the brokenness, all the scars, mocking me that I can’t just “get over” it and put it all behind me, and “get on” with life, etc. and he claims that it’s possible to get over ANYTHING if you put your mind to it, that you can heal from anything as long as you put your mind to it and move forward and put it behind you, but he obviously hasn’t endured real hard traumas like I have and he has no idea what it’s like. It’s NOT so easy and it’s not that simple. Some wounds are too deep ,some scars so bad, and some damage so severe that it just can’t BE “fixed”, there are some storms that we cannot weather,and some hurts that cannot heal.
It’s like if you break a vase; you drop it on the floor and it smashes. You can try and glue it back together again and it appears to be fixed, it’s held back together again, but it’ll never be the same again, never back to what it was before, you will always see the damage left behind, the cracks, the weak spots, where the fall has affected it, you can never put it back together perfectly the way it was. That’s what it’s like with trauma so deep and damage so engrained, it just can’t be “fixed”, you can’t ever heal from it or get “over” it and move on, it stays with you forever.
The Japanese have a pottery art where they repair broken vessels using a gold or silver epoxy so when the vase is repaired it still looks pretty, the idea being that something broken can still have beauty. I wish I could be like that vase but I’m a long way off from there.I’m still just a bunch of shattered broken pieces. I’m taking small steps, a bit at a time, towards healing and recovery, but being unwanted, unloved,and rejected my whole life,and then bullied from a young age, followed by several traumas throughout my life plus lack of coping skills due to my Asperger’s and the struggle of depression has just beaten me down to a point that I just can’t come back from. It’s like I once had a light in my life and it was extinguished.
Yesterday my hubby and the 15 YR old did another one of their sick “mind games” things with me again where they trick me and try to make me think I’m going crazy and losing my mind: they tried to convince me that it was Tuesday even though I was pretty sure it was Wednesday but they kept insisting….until I started to question if maybe they were right and I did have the day wrong afterall, and then later on my hubby denied ever saying it WAS Tuesday….they do these kinds of things all the time….they get such pleasure when I get all confused and they think it’s funny and get a good laugh at my expense.
Some things just can’t be put back together.Something that’s been shattered is beyond repair. It’s like that with severe trauma(and in my case, repeated traumas, and I had PTSD 3 times, each time lasting 9-12 months) too, or with a broken mirror, even once fixed you can still see the crack in the reflection; it’s always there, still broken and never the way it was before, and sometimes you can’t fix things and you just have to start over and create something better.That’s where God comes in.I am a broken vessel and He is the Potter that has to mold me and fix me and turn me into a thing of beauty. Gold is tempered thru fire and coal under pressure becomes a diamond.