I came across this old photo of the 2 youngest( now 9 and 13 YRS old) and I taken 9 YRS ago. It’s one of my faves as it shows the now 13 YR old when she used to love me. I really miss those days, and I really miss her. I still love her but she doesn’t love me anymore and has now “turned” on me like the others but we used to be so close and I really miss that. I didn’t always hate myself, either;I used to be ok with myself; it started when I was 13 when the bullying began and I realized that I was ugly, something I hadn’t really been made aware of before until everyone started pointing it out, and then it only grew and intensified over the YRS as I got older and my self-esteem plummeted once I realized that I wasn’t going to get better-looking; that I was never going to transform into the Beautiful Swan but stay the Ugly Duckling forever, and then it just continued to fester even more once I had kids of my own and even my own family started to taunt me for being what I am.
“Aunt Flow” also *FINALLY* came, 8 days late, and of course now the cramps are off the chart and I’m doubled-over in pain and at first I was hoping it wasn’t going to come at ALL, that I was finally starting menopause, esp. as I HAVE had what I think may be “hot flashes” (where I’ll suddenly feel all sweaty and hot when no one else does) and my friend’s stopped at 49 and my mother’s ended at 50…..but no such luck. When I mentioned how before I had kids I used to hand-make over 100 pierogi at once and have them all over the kitchen counter my mother scoffed, “You used to do alot of things!” implying that I don’t do anything now, but she’s right, I don’t, in my brokenness I just don’t have the will, the desire, or the energy anymore, it’s like all the air has been deflated out of my balloon.
My mother said you’ll have a happy life if you “do it ‘right'” that “good things will happen” and that if you’re “nice to people they’ll treat you nice,too” suggesting that my misfortunes and traumas, unhappiness and miserable life are MY fault, but I DIDN’T do *anything* to deserve the bullying I got, OR all the traumas, misfortunes and bad luck; it just all happened, and, in fact, my friends M and E even told me that I’m “TOO nice”, and I was mercilessly bullied due to my looks and the way I am (Asperger’s,etc.) which I never asked for and have no control over and can’t help, and I don’t do anything to my family to deserve the way they treat me,either, and I have always tried to do what’s right, care about people, had empathy,had a strong sense of righteousness and justice, and want to help people, I just happen to be an incredibly unlucky person, thru no fault of my own, and even romantic fantasies never come true for ugly people like me,either.It’s like I’m just cursed. I feel like that Charlie Brown comic with the dark cloud above his head always following him everywhere.