Update.

screen-shot-09-11-16-at-10-25-am Shit. I’m still here. I tried to kill myself again, tired of my toxic family’s constant abuse, but it didn’t work  again. I’m such a failure I even fail at killing myself, I can’t even do  that right! I was so sure that it would work this time,too; I swallowed a bunch of my mother’s insulin pills, and esp. since I don’t even  have diabetes I thought for sure it would work, and her dose is 250 mg and I took 1500 mg so it had to be a lethal dose, so I took the pills, curled up in bed  next to Buddy and listened to the thunderstorm, waiting to fall asleep, then lapse into a coma and die……but nothing happened!

WTF? Even now, the only lingering after-effects are I’m sweaty and have diarrhrea, that’s it. I feel so angry, so cheated, so disappointed, so ripped-off. Why won’t God just hurry up and take me already? I’ve had enough, I’m done, I’ve reached my breaking point and have had more than I can bear, and they’re never going to get any better or treat me any nicer, and in Heaven I’ll be thin again and I’ll be beautiful and at peace,free of my limitations, and I’ll be loved, welcomed, accepted, fit in and belong,with no more rejection, bullying, ridiculing,or ostracization; everything I’ve always wanted here but was always out of my reach.I can understand too why the 18 YR old tried to kill himself, the toxic environment in this house is unbearble.

screen-shot-09-11-16-at-10-24-am I never did bother even telling my family of my suicide attempt though. Why bother?I don’t want to be stopped or saved, and  they wouldn’t even care,anyway, and wouldn’t be supportive, but just critical and ridicule me,anyway,and I really don’t need any  more of their shit, I really don’t. If I really  am as bad as they think I am  and I’m the problem then I deserve to die anyway,and they’ll be glad to be rid of me so I’ll be doing everyone a favour, and I know for a fact they hope I DO die before I’m 50 and I’ve even heard my hubby even planning what they’ll do with my life insurance $$$$ once I’m gone,too( wouldn’t it be funny and serve them right though if something happens and they end up getting nothing?) They’re just so cold-hearted and cruel and when I told my mother how it hurts me how they always make fun of my looks, my weight and my lack of intelligence, she goes, “Well, you make fun of yourself,too, you call yourself a hippo!” and I told her, “It’s because sometimes it’s easier to try to laugh along with them than to have them see me cry” and then she smirks, “Well, then, keep doing it!” She just doesn’t  get it. None of them do.

My only hope now that I still hold on to is that maybe it’s a delayed reaction, that maybe the insulin takes HRS, or maybe even a day, to digest and absorb, to cause damage and that I still could overdose and lapse into a coma and die, maybe just not as quickly as I’d hoped, not instant,or maybe I just didn’t take enough ? There’s always another opportunity,too….

Fractured.

screen-shot-09-10-16-at-06-47-pm It feels like everything is fractured. I am fractured. My family is fractured. My life is fractured. Once something is fractured it never fully heals, at least not as strong as it once was, there will always be a crack, a weakness, where it broke.Same shit, different day….

I had to go to church yesterday as my hubby is working today and isn’t able to drive me, but he was late getting home yesterday too and I  still had to walk anyway and he didn’t see why I was upset; I had to switch my schedule and my day because of  him so he should at least have the courtesy to be home on time to be able to drive me, and then he said he doesn’t have to drive me at all and if I “don’t stop whining” I can walk all the time. He just doesn’t give two-shits about me, none of them do,  my feelings, opinions, needs, thoughts, etc. don’t matter, and I’m always being undermined and over-ruled, and the kids are disobedient and disrespectful, and to them I’m just a burden they can barely even tolerate and they belittle, devalue,and demean me and push me away and I’m just sooooo tired of it.

I also had trouble with the new TV remote thing my hubby got, and it wasn’t working for me and I asked the 9 YR old to help me and he got mad and screamed at me, frustrated trying to help me and I still wasn’t getting it, and he yelled, “You’re  so stupid!” which was really  demoralizing  and my mother said that everything is always my fault,too, and my kids hate me(I told her it was because she turned them against me and she snickered I did it myself) and when I said they just imitate and copy seeing how she and my hubby treat me she said, “But you….” and I cut her off right there and told her, “You always do that! You always turn it on to me and blame me all the time!” and she keeps ripping into me and wouldn’t even let me put my pillow cases in the wash either as it “costs too much for electricity “even though I needed them before  I went to bed and says if I don’t like it then I can move out and I told her I wish I could but I have no $$$ and nowhere to go.

I’m just spent. My spirit is crushed. I’m destroyed. I’ve had enough. What if she’s right, though? What if I really  am this horrible, awful person and everything really  is because of me? How can I live with such responsibility, failure,and guilt? They really  will be better off without me, and I know I’ll be better off, out of this miserable life, living in a place I hate, with a family that hates me and emotionally abuses me and then blames me for it. This ends today. This ends  now. I want to be in a place full of love and beauty, and even nothingness is still preferable to the pain of this life. Who will they have to kick around and be the scapegoat when I’m gone?