Shit. I’m still here. I tried to kill myself again, tired of my toxic family’s constant abuse, but it didn’t work again. I’m such a failure I even fail at killing myself, I can’t even do that right! I was so sure that it would work this time,too; I swallowed a bunch of my mother’s insulin pills, and esp. since I don’t even have diabetes I thought for sure it would work, and her dose is 250 mg and I took 1500 mg so it had to be a lethal dose, so I took the pills, curled up in bed next to Buddy and listened to the thunderstorm, waiting to fall asleep, then lapse into a coma and die……but nothing happened!
WTF? Even now, the only lingering after-effects are I’m sweaty and have diarrhrea, that’s it. I feel so angry, so cheated, so disappointed, so ripped-off. Why won’t God just hurry up and take me already? I’ve had enough, I’m done, I’ve reached my breaking point and have had more than I can bear, and they’re never going to get any better or treat me any nicer, and in Heaven I’ll be thin again and I’ll be beautiful and at peace,free of my limitations, and I’ll be loved, welcomed, accepted, fit in and belong,with no more rejection, bullying, ridiculing,or ostracization; everything I’ve always wanted here but was always out of my reach.I can understand too why the 18 YR old tried to kill himself, the toxic environment in this house is unbearble.
I never did bother even telling my family of my suicide attempt though. Why bother?I don’t want to be stopped or saved, and they wouldn’t even care,anyway, and wouldn’t be supportive, but just critical and ridicule me,anyway,and I really don’t need any more of their shit, I really don’t. If I really am as bad as they think I am and I’m the problem then I deserve to die anyway,and they’ll be glad to be rid of me so I’ll be doing everyone a favour, and I know for a fact they hope I DO die before I’m 50 and I’ve even heard my hubby even planning what they’ll do with my life insurance $$$$ once I’m gone,too( wouldn’t it be funny and serve them right though if something happens and they end up getting nothing?) They’re just so cold-hearted and cruel and when I told my mother how it hurts me how they always make fun of my looks, my weight and my lack of intelligence, she goes, “Well, you make fun of yourself,too, you call yourself a hippo!” and I told her, “It’s because sometimes it’s easier to try to laugh along with them than to have them see me cry” and then she smirks, “Well, then, keep doing it!” She just doesn’t get it. None of them do.
My only hope now that I still hold on to is that maybe it’s a delayed reaction, that maybe the insulin takes HRS, or maybe even a day, to digest and absorb, to cause damage and that I still could overdose and lapse into a coma and die, maybe just not as quickly as I’d hoped, not instant,or maybe I just didn’t take enough ? There’s always another opportunity,too….