Different.

screen-shot-09-15-16-at-12-57-pm My life did not  turn out the way I had hoped, dreamed, planned, thought, or imagined that it would. If you had asked me 30 YRS ago or longer what I would have hoped, thought, planned, and imagined for my future was not the way it would eventually end up. What was my original plan? If it had turned out the way I had planned, thought, and wanted, I would have a degree in Egyptian Studies or Egyptian History that I would have earned from the university in Cairo and would have been working in a museum or archeological setting. I would have had a fairytale romance and found and married the love of my life. I would be living in a big city in Europe and I would have 4 kids. That was the plan.

The reality, however, ended up quite different. I never did get to go to university in Cairo( although I did eventually make it to Egypt many YRS later) as the mid-80’s when I graduated there were increasing tensions in the Middle East and it was a volatile time for the area. I never did get that True Love either but rather settled and regretted it, and instead of living in a city I ended up stuck in a burnt-out going nowhere hick-ass town here  that I hate(I did get to travel extensively in Europe, though). I ended up having 11 kids, not 4, and hindsight is everything,and if I had known then what I know nownever would have had kids at all(and I would have stayed single); it wasn’t what I thought it would be, and in my fragility just wasn’t able to cope with all the overwhelming fear, stress, worry,and trauma(and nothing is worth going thru all that!) plus they ended up mentally and emotionally abusing me(like my hubby and mother do, copying seeing how they treat me and imitate it) and hating me.

I’m sure if things had turned out differently, like how I’d planned and wanted, or even just not they way that they did that I would have been alot better off and could have been happy. I would have actually had a real shot at it, you know? It’s strange how things turn out, and I still don’t know God’s plan for me and my life, but He has saved me from numerous suicide attempts so He must have something in mind; my job here isn’t done yet, and hopefully, maybe even something in my long-ago plans, perhaps? It’s never too “late” to dream, to start over,to plan, to hope, to be happy…..