I wish I could be her again.

The way I used to be before.

Before my life damaged me.

Before all the traumas and brokenness.

When I used to know how to smile

When I still knew how to laugh.

I wish I was able to be her

and for it to be okay.

I need permission to be able to be her and to love her.

I need the Old Me back again.

She used to be happy once.

I used to be her.

I have to go and get her and bring her back.


As well, my ulcer is back again, due to the undue, constant, and high-level of  acute stress in my life right now, and I have daily stomach pain for the past week-and-a-half now but luckily still have some of the ulcer pills left over from before, and in my life it also feels like things are  coming to a natural end  as well, coming to a close, and wrapping up, as if death is approaching, and I want the kids to remember me  the way I was before,too, when they were younger, before  all the traumas broke  and damaged me. I’d hope they’d remember that I was happy once.

“I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah….”

From Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”.