I wish I could be her again.
The way I used to be before.
Before my life damaged me.
Before all the traumas and brokenness.
When I used to know how to smile
When I still knew how to laugh.
I wish I was able to be her
and for it to be okay.
I need permission to be able to be her and to love her.
I need the Old Me back again.
She used to be happy once.
I used to be her.
I have to go and get her and bring her back.
As well, my ulcer is back again, due to the undue, constant, and high-level of acute stress in my life right now, and I have daily stomach pain for the past week-and-a-half now but luckily still have some of the ulcer pills left over from before, and in my life it also feels like things are coming to a natural end as well, coming to a close, and wrapping up, as if death is approaching, and I want the kids to remember me the way I was before,too, when they were younger, before all the traumas broke and damaged me. I’d hope they’d remember that I was happy once.
“I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah….”
From Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”.