Canadian Winters.

screen-shot-12-30-16-at-08-21-am The 22 YR old’s GF is here visiting from California and it’s so funny watching her reactions to the cold winter and snow here in Canada; she’s just so …..cute! When she first arrived last winter as she exited the airport and walked out into the cool winter air she was startled and taken aback seeing her breath and asked, rather alarmed, What is that? I’m not smoking!” and in-between fits of laughter my hubby explained that it’s her breath; that in really cold air you can see your breath. She also just loves the snow and is fascinated by it, sort of like a little kid that sees it for the first time, or how kids are every winter eager to go out and play in the first snow,and how my friend J was when she first moved to this country as she’s never seen snow before.She also went tobogganing(I remember doing all the time when I was a kid) which she said was both “fun  and terrifying” at the same time(she even got to wipe out and go flying off the toboggan and land face-first into a snowbank!), and she was angry when she saw the snow plow going by clearing snow off the roads and she raged, “What the f*ck are they doing? They’re taking all the snow away!” It was hilarious.

It just goes to show that it’s all perspective. Depending on your perspective, like us, seeing snow as a yearly nuisance and pain in the ass that’s hellish to drive in,awful to shovel, dangerous to walk in( icy sidewalks) cold to fall in and general overall object of hate….or like her, seeing beauty in it, and looking at it in appreciation, marvel,and childlike wonder,and even looking forward to a snowfall and NOT dreading it……it all depends on your perspective, on how you see  things.

One of my cousins is also in the hospital with a strained and enlarged heart and he’s just in his late thirties,too, and Patti was chewing me out for being suicidal earlier as well and even said she might  take BUDDY back( and she referred to him as “my Buddy” too!) and her and another friend said I should stop saying how miserable I am living with my toxic family that emotionally abuses me and do something about it, she said to move out and he even said to go to a woman’s shelter and I told them that it’s not so “easy” and not as simple as they think; I said scolding down a depressed and suicidal person and threatening to take away the one thing that they cherish the most isn’t helpful but, in fact, makes it even worse, and ,unlike Patti( who always likes to boast how she left her drunken lout of a husband and walked out and raised 4 kids all on her ownI also have Asperger’s, bipolar, depression,and social phobia and I can’t survive on my own and would need someone to help me.

Ideally I could remarry but since  that’s highly unlikely another opti0n would be to get an apartment and share with a room-mate  and we’d divide the expenses,but I don’t have anyone that I know or could trust enough to live with, or I could get a room somewhere and my  family subsidizes me(and comes around to help me, such as buying groceries, going to the bank, doing taxes, paying bills, etc) yet even if I did go on Disability it’s still only 1800$ a month and rent would be at least 1200$, leaving only 600$ left to pay all the bills and buy food…..I wouldn’t have enough $$$$ and I’m not living in the ghetto,either, where it’s not even safe to go outside at night without fear of getting shot…..I wish I could leave and move out on my own and be self-sufficient, but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go and my family told me before that if I left I’m on my own  and I know I can’t function on my own or live as an independent adult; it’s NOT that easy; I can’t just walk out the door and leave, there are so many factors and variables that complicate it and just seem overwhelming and make it unattainable and out of reach.

The story of my  LIFE.

Me Day.

screen-shot-12-29-16-at-11-30-am-001 After that really bad day where I’d just had enough of my toxic family’s non-stop abuse and bullying, when I’d just crashed and considered suicide I decided the next day that I deserved a Me Day, a day to pamper myself and to just have a good day where I would pleasure myself and do good things for myself, a day to just indulge and feel good, so I cut and dyed my hair, filed and painted my nails, enjoyed some weed( after I had done my hair my nails, for obvious reasons) and had a nice long 30 minute relaxing hot soothing bath, just soaking, and using the new Body Shop gift set that I got for Christmas. I also spent the day avoiding my family best to my ability in an effort to keep stress to a minimum and I indulged in lots and lots of chocolate!  It reminds me of people saying that the stereotypical Jamaican is lazy and just lays around and smokes weed all day….but so what…..I don’t see a problem with that….it sounds good to me…..ha….I’m  Jamaican in my heart.

I also turn 50 in just 5 more days too( assuming I don’t die before then,afterall) and for my birthday what I want is a bag of hippos, to smoke a Big Fatty, avoid my family,and eat at my fave. restaurant.If I’m lucky I’ll have another Me Day! This has been a really bad YR for me.

screen-shot-12-29-16-at-11-39-am When I’d mentioned that a certain song the 17 YR old likes that I also have it on my iPod she goes, “I have to delete it now!” and when the kids were playing a video game they had a character of my mother but the 15 YR old didn’t want her getting beaten up so she said, “Can’t we change it to mother instead?” just more of how they devalue me and treat me with callous disregard, it’s like I’m this “stain”they’re all trying to avoid touching and are trying to desperately remove.The 9 YR old’s really mean to Buddy too; he’ll bang at the cellar door to get him barking in a frenzy and then he’ll quickly whip the door open hard so it hits him in the head. He really is a mean little kid.My family sucks.

My mother also was mentioning how before she retired that I used to do everything all on my own; looking after all the kids, homeschooling, all the cooking and housework, incl,. while prego( incl. with morning sickness) or nursing a baby,even the time when I had 4 kids in diapers all at once, while she and my hubby were at work all day and she asked, “Do you ever wonder now  how you ever did it all?” but actually I know how: I was younger, healthy, and not so broken. When I was in my 20’s and 30’s I had more energy, and I didn’t have all the medical issues I have now,and it was also before the majority of the traumas that shattered me and rendered me unable to function or to cope. Now everything is such a monumental effort I’m so broken, apathetic, listless, defeated, and …..bereft.I basically don’t even really have much of a “life” anymore, I just sort of exist, waiting to die.

This Year.

screen-shot-12-28-16-at-08-40-am-002 Not only has this been a really bad  YR for celebs dying (I can’t  even remember any other YR where this many have died like we’ve had this YR!) it has also been a really bad YR for me as well and I can’t wait for 2016 to end! I certainly hope that 2017 will be alot better, although it’s hard to imagine it being much worse than this YR was, with both the 18 YR old’s and my own multiple suicide attempts, our enemy returning(and not only returning but returning because a traitor close to us betrayed us) and on top of that it feels like my family’s bullying has gotten even worse, either that, or more frequent, it’s hard to tell the difference, and it leaves me with a broken heart, a broken spirit, defeated, weary, and feeling worthless,  and that no one loves me or  wants me around.

As well, last night my hubby was making fun of my blog again, like he frequently does,and it hurts my feelings (which he knows, which is why he does it) because I take pride in it and put alot of time and effort into it, and it’s my way to “purge” and “vent” and get my feelings out, a sort of writing therapy, and the kids all ganged-up on me and were making fun of my religious beliefs,too, and goading me and taunting how they’ll “have so much ‘fun’ in Hell” and how they “don’t care about God” and “hate ‘stupid’ Jesus”, etc. and I told them they will care on Judgement Day and Eternity is a very long time. My faith is very important to me and they just mock it  and disrespect it and make jest of it and always treat me like dirt, yet they are oblivious to the damage that they cause.

Screen Shot 12-28-16 at 06.52 PM 001.PNG I also came close to killing myself(again) tired of all the emotional abuse my toxic family heaps on me on a daily basis so I just want to give up… only instead of going ahead with it something stopped me and instead I just lay there in bed and began to pray….and then I feel asleep thinking there will always be tomorrow, I’ll give it another day. There’s no rush, I can do it any time, it doesn’t have to be right now….and then when I woke up this morning I realized why should take my own life just because they’re such assholes? I’m not going to give them that kind of power! Some of them are only here temporarily, until they go back on the weekend, so I’ll just do my best to avoid them, ignore them, stay away from them,and not talk to them, trying to prevent confrontation , tension,and stress, and hold on to the knowledge that they’ll be gone in a few days. As for the others, the ones that live here with me, well, that’s not so easy to try and I have yet to still find a strategy that works…..

All yesterday I also kept having this nagging, dragging, stabbing pain on my right side I wonder if it’s my appendix? I’ve had low back pain on my right side now for months, at least since the summer, but I know the kidneys are ok, so now I wonder if it’s maybe my appendix…I know it’s not my gallbladder though…I already had  that taken out!

If I’m lucky maybe it’ll even  rupture and I’ll die before I turn 50 afterall?