I put this up on my Facebook a few days ago just out of curiousity to see what people would remember most about me when I’m gone…..but nothing, absolutely nothing, no one even left any replies at all! So does that mean that I won’t even be missed and that I’m not memorable, or that they don’t have anything nice to say so they didn’t say anything at all? I wonder though, when I do die, what will people remember about me? That I was fat and ugly? That I was crazy and weird? That I’m the lady with the weiner dog? The one that loves hippos? Or the one with all the kids? Or the one that lives in the house at the corner? Or I’d hope, something more substantial, such as that I homeschooled my kids, or that everything I did has always been for the kids , even sacrificing $$$$$ rather than exposing and endangering our homeschooling, and leaving our lives behind and living on the run to protect our family and keep them safe, and that the kids would choose to remember me the way I was, the way I used to be before, before I was broken and damaged by all the traumas in my life, and that they’d remember what I used to be like when they were younger, when I used to be happy and when I used to do things. Before I fall apart.
. There’s nothing attractive about me in any way,and I’m not smart, I’ll never make a difference, and I have nothing to offer anyone or contribute in any way, I just sort of exist but I’d hope they will remember that I gave everything for my family and that I had a strong faith and love of God. I had a dream last night as well that once this life ends another one in Heaven begins and that it’s the one that I wish I had before, my chance to re-do and start over, the life I never got to have now, and last night I was debating if I should eat the butter chicken I had or if I should save it for later,too, and I decided “What if today is my last day alive?” What if I don’t have another chance or another day to enjoy it, so I decided to eat it, and that way I won’t miss out, and even if I do die at least I’ll die with a happy stomach!
As well with the threat in my life that’s returned from the past each day that passes really just feels like I’m “buying” time and just being given extra time until the inevitable which will eventually come,and that it’s merely a catalyst, leading to my suicide, like it’s meant I die that way and it’s merely the catalyst that’s pushing me in that direction, like that’s how it’s meant to play out, afterall, why else would God allow it again after 13 YRS of living in peace and anonymity, and once I’m gone my family will be safe and they’ll leave them alone. I don’t really see that I have any other option or any other way out to put an end to it for good, once and for all, to make sure, and I don’t have the strength to fight it or endure living thru that nightmare again. I have nothing left.
Last night I also remember waking up biting my tongue and I remember the neurologist asking me during that seizure I had if I bit my tongue and I didn’t….until now,and he also said if the seizures are subtle or “hidden” I may just be having them when I’m asleep and that’s why they’ve gone unnoticed…..so now I’m really beginning to wonder…..hmmmmm….