Happy Where I Am.

screen-shot-12-04-16-at-08-08-am In the movie Moana, Moana has always been drawn by the ocean and has always wanted to travel far, beyond the reef, and feels called to venture farther, and her parents tell her that she has to learn to be happy where she is,and it got me thinking, that I have to do the same thing,too, I have to be happy where I am too, even though circumstance make it very hard, if not nearly impossible for me to do so. It’s incredibly hard to be happy when I live in a place that I hate and with a family that hates me and mistreats me but I am willing to try, and to try and find positive things each day that bring me joy.

screen-shot-12-04-16-at-02-00-pm I know to truly be happy that I’d have to be someone else,look differently and live a different life as it’s just not possible to be happy when I look and feel like I do and when no one loves me( except for my dog) and the deepest desire of my heart is to be loved and feel loved and I know that I won’t have that until I get to Heaven( which is overflowing and bursting with love, so much so that you can hardly contain it) and I want to run away and start over, find a new life somewhere else where I can at least have a chance of being happy, but that’s not too likely so I said a prayer to God today that I can learn to be happy where I am.

know it won’t be true happiness or the real happiness that I seek,  but I at least hope for some semblance of happiness, something that can at least half-pass as happiness, or at least as good as it’s going to get, given my life and situation. A “modified” version of happiness, if you will. I’m willing to give it a shot, trying to find happiness where there is none. It won’t be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is. I’m going to try and change my perspective and  with my animal side-kick Buddy I will attempt to etch out whatever form of happiness I can squeeze out while I still hold on to hope that one day I’ll have the real thing.

I also realized: Jesus was a Communist! Between his preaching of communal living, love of the poor and downtrodden in society, non-violence,defending the marginalized, sharing with everyone, etc. sure sounds like Communism to me! He had radical, revolutionary ideas for social reform even all the way back then….and was killed for it! The 15 YR old’s also taking photos of everyone in the family for a project and I asked her if she could edit mine and PhotoShop it so I look thinner and she said no and my hubby snarked, “If you want to look thinner you have to do it yourself!” but now I’m in my 40’s it’s not so easy anymore, my metabo0lism has changed and the weight’s come on and just won’t come off! Now I’m a big fat f*ck and there’s nothing I can do about it. 😦