My Wish.

screen-shot-12-12-16-at-08-19-am You know what I wish I could do for my 50th birthday if it turns out that I’m wrong and I don’t actually die before I turn 50? I want to go away on vacation alone, by myself, completely away from my toxic family that constantly tears me down and belittles me,and just have  a feeling of total freedom where I can just feel free and unencumbered, where I am free to just be me and do what I want without being criticized, insulted, belittled, demeaned,degraded, berated, or made to feel worthless and  like shit, where I can pretend to be someone else living another life….only not just any vacation, but to secretly just go ahead and book a week-long Caribbean cruise or resort in Cuba online with our travel agent and not tell anyone. Not a single soul. I want to get away and relax in the sun, on the beach, swim in the ocean, and just feel carefree and as far away from my life here and my family as I can and I’d always have the option on the final day of suicide too so that I won’t ever have to come back.

I would just get everything arranged, the airline, the accomodations, the ground transportation, the travel insurance,etc. and get all packed,and then when the departure day finally arrives I would just head out the door with my suitcase when my airport pick-up arrives and say to everyone, “See you in a week!” and just leave. They’d be surprised and wouldn’t know what to say or what was going on.. They’d just be left standing there speechless with their mouths gaping open,blank looks on their faces, thinking, what the hell just happened? and where is she going?

 I know I can do it on my own since I did take 2 of the kids across Europe on my own several YRS ago but knowing my  family just to “punish” me my mother would probably call the bank or something and have them cancel my credit card so that I wouldn’t have any $$$$. Of course there’s also the problem of paying for it since I’m flat broke yet even so part of me says, “F*ck it! Just charge it and go and worry about paying for it later. Just pay so much a month like everyone else does!”

I wonder if I could pull it off?

screen-shot-12-12-16-at-02-29-pmAs well, after the big snowfall the kids went out to play in the snow and the 22 YR old and his GF built this, er, snowman…..or should I say snowdick or dickman and when I first heard about the creation I said, “I hope it’s not on our property, that you at least did it at the park!” but there it was, in all it’s glory,right in the centre of our outdoor Christmas lights display, in the middle of 2 bushes all lit up with lights, but after the photo my hubby made them take it down. He can’t really say anything though as I remember YRS ago he made a snowman with boobs!

I also thought I was going to hemmorage to death yesterday! “Aunt Flow” was really bad, and the rubber cup I use overnight that holds a few ounces was completely full and during the day I kept soaking thru tampons every 2 HRS, I mean, they were absolutely saturated and soaking thru to the pad I had on too,luckily it’s letting up now, and I don’t know how it’s even possible to bleed so much and still be alive! The cramps were off the charts as well, even though I thought as you near menopause the bleeding was supposed to lessennot get worse, so I wonder if maybe I even have uterine cancer or something? Heavy bleeding does run in my family though and my aunt and cousin both had it and both had their uterus removed so maybe I can,too? I’m too old for this shit and I don’t need it anymore….