Disappointment.

screen-shot-12-17-16-at-01-16-pm You know that feeling of utter disappointment when you receive an item you’d ordered and it arrives looking nothing like the product in the photo but instead ends up to be nothing but a piddly little flimsy piece of plastic and your face just collapses in utter disappointment , and you feel so ripped-off, so let-down, so cheated? Well, that’s how I have felt in pretty much every aspect of my life: disappointment.

Disappointment at being a lonely only child and not having any siblings and always being alone, and not having a father,either, on top of that,my mother always at work and me home alone and I was lonely, I just felt, well…….a disappointing deep loss in my life.

Disappointment at my looks, of looking how I do, and the torment I suffer over my looks. Disappointment that due to my looks I have been greatly limited and lacking, set-back and set apart, and have been denied love I otherwise would have had if I looked better.

Disappointment at lost friendships, lost dreams, crushed hopes, dreams that became nightmares, unfulfilled desires, unrequited love,toxic relationships, betrayals, rejections, false friends, failures, broken hearts, broken spirits, lost opportunities, regrets, chances not taken, choices made, mistakes made, etc…

Disappointment with having kids and  family life; it was my dream, to have kids, to be a mother, it’s all I really ever wanted, but it ended up to be nothing like I thought, and it’s not meaningful, enriching,rewarding, etc.I just got all of  the shit and none of the perks,and if I knew then what I know now I would not do it all over again.Between all the traumas, fear, worry,anxiety,and stress(nothing is worth going thru for) of raising the the kids, my miserable marriage, no emotional support from my mother or my hubby, and my own Bipolar, depression, and Asperger’s(which really complicate things!!) it’s been a big disappointment and not what I’d hoped.

Disappointed at myself for being me and for looking and feeling the way I do. Disappointed that I always disappoint everyone else and have never been good enough. I fail at everything; disappointed I didn’t get better grades, that I wasn’t a better wife or a better mother, always disappointing and failing.

 

Disappointment in my life for always being so hard, such a struggle, so difficult, so lonely, such a battle, so unfortunate, so cursed, so sorrowful, so bereft, so hurting, so sad, so dark, so broken, so weary, so alone, so despairing, so insulated, so scared, so anxious, so fearful, so damaged, so empty, so cold, so solitary, so complicated, so unfair, so hopeless,so……

disappointing.