This Year.

screen-shot-12-28-16-at-08-40-am-002 Not only has this been a really bad  YR for celebs dying (I can’t  even remember any other YR where this many have died like we’ve had this YR!) it has also been a really bad YR for me as well and I can’t wait for 2016 to end! I certainly hope that 2017 will be alot better, although it’s hard to imagine it being much worse than this YR was, with both the 18 YR old’s and my own multiple suicide attempts, our enemy returning(and not only returning but returning because a traitor close to us betrayed us) and on top of that it feels like my family’s bullying has gotten even worse, either that, or more frequent, it’s hard to tell the difference, and it leaves me with a broken heart, a broken spirit, defeated, weary, and feeling worthless,  and that no one loves me or  wants me around.

As well, last night my hubby was making fun of my blog again, like he frequently does,and it hurts my feelings (which he knows, which is why he does it) because I take pride in it and put alot of time and effort into it, and it’s my way to “purge” and “vent” and get my feelings out, a sort of writing therapy, and the kids all ganged-up on me and were making fun of my religious beliefs,too, and goading me and taunting how they’ll “have so much ‘fun’ in Hell” and how they “don’t care about God” and “hate ‘stupid’ Jesus”, etc. and I told them they will care on Judgement Day and Eternity is a very long time. My faith is very important to me and they just mock it  and disrespect it and make jest of it and always treat me like dirt, yet they are oblivious to the damage that they cause.

Screen Shot 12-28-16 at 06.52 PM 001.PNG I also came close to killing myself(again) tired of all the emotional abuse my toxic family heaps on me on a daily basis so I just want to give up… only instead of going ahead with it something stopped me and instead I just lay there in bed and began to pray….and then I feel asleep thinking there will always be tomorrow, I’ll give it another day. There’s no rush, I can do it any time, it doesn’t have to be right now….and then when I woke up this morning I realized why should take my own life just because they’re such assholes? I’m not going to give them that kind of power! Some of them are only here temporarily, until they go back on the weekend, so I’ll just do my best to avoid them, ignore them, stay away from them,and not talk to them, trying to prevent confrontation , tension,and stress, and hold on to the knowledge that they’ll be gone in a few days. As for the others, the ones that live here with me, well, that’s not so easy to try and I have yet to still find a strategy that works…..

All yesterday I also kept having this nagging, dragging, stabbing pain on my right side I wonder if it’s my appendix? I’ve had low back pain on my right side now for months, at least since the summer, but I know the kidneys are ok, so now I wonder if it’s maybe my appendix…I know it’s not my gallbladder though…I already had  that taken out!

If I’m lucky maybe it’ll even  rupture and I’ll die before I turn 50 afterall?