Me Day.

screen-shot-12-29-16-at-11-30-am-001 After that really bad day where I’d just had enough of my toxic family’s non-stop abuse and bullying, when I’d just crashed and considered suicide I decided the next day that I deserved a Me Day, a day to pamper myself and to just have a good day where I would pleasure myself and do good things for myself, a day to just indulge and feel good, so I cut and dyed my hair, filed and painted my nails, enjoyed some weed( after I had done my hair my nails, for obvious reasons) and had a nice long 30 minute relaxing hot soothing bath, just soaking, and using the new Body Shop gift set that I got for Christmas. I also spent the day avoiding my family best to my ability in an effort to keep stress to a minimum and I indulged in lots and lots of chocolate!  It reminds me of people saying that the stereotypical Jamaican is lazy and just lays around and smokes weed all day….but so what…..I don’t see a problem with that….it sounds good to me…..ha….I’m  Jamaican in my heart.

I also turn 50 in just 5 more days too( assuming I don’t die before then,afterall) and for my birthday what I want is a bag of hippos, to smoke a Big Fatty, avoid my family,and eat at my fave. restaurant.If I’m lucky I’ll have another Me Day! This has been a really bad YR for me.

screen-shot-12-29-16-at-11-39-am When I’d mentioned that a certain song the 17 YR old likes that I also have it on my iPod she goes, “I have to delete it now!” and when the kids were playing a video game they had a character of my mother but the 15 YR old didn’t want her getting beaten up so she said, “Can’t we change it to mother instead?” just more of how they devalue me and treat me with callous disregard, it’s like I’m this “stain”they’re all trying to avoid touching and are trying to desperately remove.The 9 YR old’s really mean to Buddy too; he’ll bang at the cellar door to get him barking in a frenzy and then he’ll quickly whip the door open hard so it hits him in the head. He really is a mean little kid.My family sucks.

My mother also was mentioning how before she retired that I used to do everything all on my own; looking after all the kids, homeschooling, all the cooking and housework, incl,. while prego( incl. with morning sickness) or nursing a baby,even the time when I had 4 kids in diapers all at once, while she and my hubby were at work all day and she asked, “Do you ever wonder now  how you ever did it all?” but actually I know how: I was younger, healthy, and not so broken. When I was in my 20’s and 30’s I had more energy, and I didn’t have all the medical issues I have now,and it was also before the majority of the traumas that shattered me and rendered me unable to function or to cope. Now everything is such a monumental effort I’m so broken, apathetic, listless, defeated, and …..bereft.I basically don’t even really have much of a “life” anymore, I just sort of exist, waiting to die.