Canadian Winters.

screen-shot-12-30-16-at-08-21-am The 22 YR old’s GF is here visiting from California and it’s so funny watching her reactions to the cold winter and snow here in Canada; she’s just so …..cute! When she first arrived last winter as she exited the airport and walked out into the cool winter air she was startled and taken aback seeing her breath and asked, rather alarmed, What is that? I’m not smoking!” and in-between fits of laughter my hubby explained that it’s her breath; that in really cold air you can see your breath. She also just loves the snow and is fascinated by it, sort of like a little kid that sees it for the first time, or how kids are every winter eager to go out and play in the first snow,and how my friend J was when she first moved to this country as she’s never seen snow before.She also went tobogganing(I remember doing all the time when I was a kid) which she said was both “fun  and terrifying” at the same time(she even got to wipe out and go flying off the toboggan and land face-first into a snowbank!), and she was angry when she saw the snow plow going by clearing snow off the roads and she raged, “What the f*ck are they doing? They’re taking all the snow away!” It was hilarious.

It just goes to show that it’s all perspective. Depending on your perspective, like us, seeing snow as a yearly nuisance and pain in the ass that’s hellish to drive in,awful to shovel, dangerous to walk in( icy sidewalks) cold to fall in and general overall object of hate….or like her, seeing beauty in it, and looking at it in appreciation, marvel,and childlike wonder,and even looking forward to a snowfall and NOT dreading it……it all depends on your perspective, on how you see  things.

One of my cousins is also in the hospital with a strained and enlarged heart and he’s just in his late thirties,too, and Patti was chewing me out for being suicidal earlier as well and even said she might  take BUDDY back( and she referred to him as “my Buddy” too!) and her and another friend said I should stop saying how miserable I am living with my toxic family that emotionally abuses me and do something about it, she said to move out and he even said to go to a woman’s shelter and I told them that it’s not so “easy” and not as simple as they think; I said scolding down a depressed and suicidal person and threatening to take away the one thing that they cherish the most isn’t helpful but, in fact, makes it even worse, and ,unlike Patti( who always likes to boast how she left her drunken lout of a husband and walked out and raised 4 kids all on her ownI also have Asperger’s, bipolar, depression,and social phobia and I can’t survive on my own and would need someone to help me.

Ideally I could remarry but since  that’s highly unlikely another opti0n would be to get an apartment and share with a room-mate  and we’d divide the expenses,but I don’t have anyone that I know or could trust enough to live with, or I could get a room somewhere and my  family subsidizes me(and comes around to help me, such as buying groceries, going to the bank, doing taxes, paying bills, etc) yet even if I did go on Disability it’s still only 1800$ a month and rent would be at least 1200$, leaving only 600$ left to pay all the bills and buy food…..I wouldn’t have enough $$$$ and I’m not living in the ghetto,either, where it’s not even safe to go outside at night without fear of getting shot…..I wish I could leave and move out on my own and be self-sufficient, but I have no $$$$ and nowhere to go and my family told me before that if I left I’m on my own  and I know I can’t function on my own or live as an independent adult; it’s NOT that easy; I can’t just walk out the door and leave, there are so many factors and variables that complicate it and just seem overwhelming and make it unattainable and out of reach.

The story of my  LIFE.