The Point Of No Return.

screen-shot-12-26-16-at-08-21-am There’s an aviation term used once you reach beyond a certain point while flying where it becomes The Point Of No Return, where you can no longer go back to where you started if a problem should arise, but, rather, you have to go forward, towards your destination,and continue on, perhaps as you wouldn’t have enough fuel to return, or you’re flying in the middle of an ocean, for example, and you can’t turn around and go back from this point onward, you have  to keep moving forward, you can’t  change your mind and go back, and you have to stick with your plan. A certain “line” has been crossed and you can’t move beyond it, and that’s how I feel with my toxic family. I’ve just had enough of their exclusion, cruelty, ridicule, belittling, mocking, provoking, and emotional abuse. It feels like I have reached The Point Of No Return.

I have reached The Point Of No Return with my toxic family. I feel like a line has been crossed and it cannot be re-crossed. I can’t ever go back to the way it used to be, when the kids were younger(and nicer) back when they used to love me and tell me they loved me and show me they loved me, before they grew up and morphed into these nasty disrespectful , mouthy ingrates that treat me like dirt, copying how they see my hubby and mother also treat me(Where do you think they learned it from?). I also feel The Point Of No Return has been reached as a line has been crossed and I can’t go back; I’ve had enough of their mistreatment, criticism, disdain, demeaning,hate, and rejection of me, and no matter how hard I try it still never makes any difference; they still hate me, exclude me, ignore me, and bully me so I’m just done trying, as what’s the use? I feel like I’m just wasting my time. I can’t “make” someone like me. I can’t “make” someone be nice. I can’t “make” someone be kind. All I can do is try but it reaches a point where it’s just no use anymore.Now I just give up and want to walk away and never look back.

I’ve reached The Point Of No Return.

screen-shot-12-26-16-at-02-40-pm-001 Even for Christmas only 2 of the kids even cared enough to get me gifts, and it’s not the gifts themselves I’m concerned about here but rather the thought put into them and the love that inspires you to get the gift in the first place, that someone was thinking of you,and I got all the kids gifts(since I had some $$$$ this YR) yet only 2 cared enough to think of me, and the “weed” calendar the second-oldest got me I’m still not even quite sure if she got it because she thought I’d like it……or if it was mocking me(with my family I can never tell)…and the 20 YR old and 9 YR old also gave presents to everyone except me,too, in a deliberate snub,and it’s just mean to purposely exclude someone anyway but even more so on Christmas! Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, sharing, love, and harmony, NOT exclusion, rejection, hate, and revenge.

The kids were also laughing about me and saying how I had this “phase” where I “thought I was a holy Saint” ……except that I never did; I never said that, thought that, or believed that; it’s a lie, and now they’re just making shit up,trying to make me look stupid, bad, crazy,and ridiculous, and I was soooo mad at Buddy as well(I’ve never been so mad at him,and, in fact, I think this was the first time I can remember even being mad at him!) as it was really bad freezing rain and I had him out to pee except he wouldn’t…..he was being stubborn and just…refused…..but he wasn’t going in the house until he peed so we were out  there for an hour and I was just sooooo fed up so then I came in and just put him out in the backyard and told him he could come inside when he peed……and right away he peed, the little f*cker….

Then the kids all start hassling me, saying how “mean” I am to “Poor Buddy”(for tossing him out in the yard), etc… so quick to judge and criticize me (for getting mad at him, even though I was stuck out in the freezing rain, which made the street like an ice rink, for an HR as he refused to pee!) yet none of them would ever stand out there for an HR with him like  I did, so they should just shut the f*ck up!! The 15 YR old was being a lying two-faced phony as well; to  just me she purred, “Time to sell Buddy! He’s ugly anyway!” but then just minutes later, to the kids she croons, “Ooooh, poor dog! Is she being mean to you?”

This is the kind of crap I get from them all the time. I’m done. I’m so sick of this shit.

screen-shot-12-26-16-at-02-45-pm I’m thinking of maybe doing myself in again. The suicide feelings are back again. Your heart, spirit, and soul can only be broken so many times.I just can’t keep doing this.I want my family to see what they do to me, the damage they cause,how it makes me feel, and to know how serious it is.

Our Christmas.

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This is the cute little hippo that I got in my Christmas stocking! It’s tied for my favourite present, tied with the Body Shop  coconut scented bath and body set the 22 YR old got me, I’m not sure which one I like more! For my gifts I got things I like the most: hippos, chocolates,and stuff for my bath.  The second-oldest and the 20 YR old are also here visiting over Christmas as well and the 20 YR old played piano to give us some nice music and she gave the 9 YR old a mini pizza for a gift(his fave. food) and now I know why Buddy kept going under the tree and sniffing at the gifts and I had to keep shooing him away; he smelled the pizza! He also got a doggie stocking full of chew treats and toys and in no time he’d “skinned” his tennis ball and ripped his toy Santa’s beard off and disemboweled him.There were so many presents and so many people it took 90 minutes for everyone to unwrap them all, and the 17 YR old got this blobfish stuffed toy and everyone was saying how “ugly” it is too(I actually thought it was cute!) and my hubby’s brother said “It’s different, and that’s what makes it beautiful.” and I like that and think that’s a really nice way of looking at it and I wish that more people saw things( and people) that way.

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We also had a big dinner  in the diningroom and with 14 people we had to set up extra chairs and a big extra table and we had 6 turkeys and 2 hams among lots of other things and it was  really hard for me to get this photo,too; first of all my stupid iPod locked me out and disabled itself, and then when it finally did come back on I couldn’t get to the photo app and when I finally did get the photo it took forever loading it onto here so I hope you appreciate it. As well as us we also had the 22 YR old’s GF, the 20 YR old’s friend, my father-in-law, and my brother-in-law, and I think everyone had a good day and after dinner we were all  as stuffed as the turkeys! One of my cousins in Europe said she had her Christmas dinner at 12:30 her time which is really early so wouldn’t that be more of a lunch? We also hid the pickle ornament in the tree and then had to find it,and the kids played video games, and for the present for the “house” we got a new sewing machine. The kids were also mentioning how when they were younger the oldest threw the now 22 YR old off the balcony in a garbage can trying to re-enact the Jackass stunts, and that has got to be the dumbest thing (and the most dangerous)  that they’ve ever done and I never even found out about it until YRS later which is probably a good thing…

Frohe Weihnachten!

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Merry Christmas! All yesterday and today I keep on repeating this mantra to myself over and over, “I will not let my family ruin Christmas for me, I will not  let my family ruin Christmas for me….” so no matter what they might say or do to try and “get my goat” I will not allow it to ruin my Christmas. I am concentrating on the True meaning of the day which is the Birth of Christ, so Happy Birthday Jesus. Last night we also had Christmas Eve Mass and I went to the earlier one as I can’t stay up late anymore but the kids all went to a later one. It was packed full, standing room only, and some people were even standing, and kids were sitting on their parent’s laps.We were packed in like sardines.It reminded me of flying economy class. The good of it though is at least it means that lots of people are going to church to worship God, and even the ones that just go the once a YR it’s still better than not at all. There were lots of young families there and it made me feel sad sitting there all alone, without a family, and also made me nostalgic missing the time when the kids were younger and times were happier.

We have a tradition that after church Christmas Eve ( and the day before  Christmas Eve is Christmas Eve Eve and we call it “Christmas Steve”) everyone gets to open up one gift each and then we do all the rest on Christmas morning. I just chose the first one I could find with my name on it and it was from the 22 YR old’s GF which was a nice surprise…..and it was Turtles chocolate! Mmmmmmmm, I love it, and how did she ever know  that I love Turtles? We had a mini crisis as well: we found out that a couple of the kids’ Christmas stockings are missing so went out to the store last minute yesterday to try and find some….but never found any so they just get their loot in a baggie this YR, ghetto-style!

Last night I also thought I was tripping out as I was laying in bed for the night I started to see these twinkling red and green lights strobing all over my bedroom walls and ceiling and I haven’t seen them before so I didn’t think it was our outdoor Christmas lights and I had ingested my cannabis oil a few HRS before, so…..I just thought I must have been hallucinating, but then today my mother said that she saw it in her bedroom, too, so I wasn’t imagining it and it wasn’t just me, and as it turned out my hubby had added new lights and that’s what it was, and he also added this really tacky gaudy light up snowman on the lawn,too, it’s just so….hideous, I hope someone steals it….

Joyeux Noel!