Our Buddy.

screen-shot-10-01-16-at-02-44-pm My hubby got a drone for Christmas and poor Buddy hates it and is scared of it and whenever it starts flying around the livingroom he backs away and runs off and hides! Patti and I were also talking and she said that she misses Buddy who she referred to as “ Our Buddy” and she calls her “Grandpuppy” and it really irks me. He was never hers; he used to belong to her son and then he gave him to me and now he’s mine but he was never hers, yet she just continues on referring to him as if he not only was but still is  hers and she just won’t let go of him and it really pisses me off! She already has her own Dachshund yet that doesn’t seem to be enough for her, she’s still holding on to Buddy,too, even though he’s been living with us and has been part of our family for  over 2 years now.It just really gets to me and leaves me seething every time she says it.

As well, the second-oldest said she hasn’t gone to church in over 6 years and says the Bible is “outdated” and I reminded her that God doesn’t change(even if the world does), and she said she doesn’t agree with certain “outdated” stuff, such as obeying your parents and that homosexuality is a sin…..but no matter how old you are or what your religion is you’re still accountable to God and she shrugged that she didn’t care,and I told her, “You’ll care on Judgement Day!”  It’s so sad that she’s been lost to the world, like most of the kids have, brainwashed by Cadets and university, turned away from God, and you’re either for God or for the world, you can’t be for both.

Speaking of my toxic family, even after I’d posted in this blog last night the suicide thoughts were back no one  still came in and checked in on me during the night to make sure that I was ok, and I think they probably just left me to it hoping that I would follow thru with it and finally do it successfully, and it’s easier for them to say that I’m crazy than for them to take any responsibility for the way they treat me and the effect that it has on me and how it breaks me and damages me.

The Point Of No Return.

screen-shot-12-26-16-at-08-21-am There’s an aviation term used once you reach beyond a certain point while flying where it becomes The Point Of No Return, where you can no longer go back to where you started if a problem should arise, but, rather, you have to go forward, towards your destination,and continue on, perhaps as you wouldn’t have enough fuel to return, or you’re flying in the middle of an ocean, for example, and you can’t turn around and go back from this point onward, you have  to keep moving forward, you can’t  change your mind and go back, and you have to stick with your plan. A certain “line” has been crossed and you can’t move beyond it, and that’s how I feel with my toxic family. I’ve just had enough of their exclusion, cruelty, ridicule, belittling, mocking, provoking, and emotional abuse. It feels like I have reached The Point Of No Return.

I have reached The Point Of No Return with my toxic family. I feel like a line has been crossed and it cannot be re-crossed. I can’t ever go back to the way it used to be, when the kids were younger(and nicer) back when they used to love me and tell me they loved me and show me they loved me, before they grew up and morphed into these nasty disrespectful , mouthy ingrates that treat me like dirt, copying how they see my hubby and mother also treat me(Where do you think they learned it from?). I also feel The Point Of No Return has been reached as a line has been crossed and I can’t go back; I’ve had enough of their mistreatment, criticism, disdain, demeaning,hate, and rejection of me, and no matter how hard I try it still never makes any difference; they still hate me, exclude me, ignore me, and bully me so I’m just done trying, as what’s the use? I feel like I’m just wasting my time. I can’t “make” someone like me. I can’t “make” someone be nice. I can’t “make” someone be kind. All I can do is try but it reaches a point where it’s just no use anymore.Now I just give up and want to walk away and never look back.

I’ve reached The Point Of No Return.

screen-shot-12-26-16-at-02-40-pm-001 Even for Christmas only 2 of the kids even cared enough to get me gifts, and it’s not the gifts themselves I’m concerned about here but rather the thought put into them and the love that inspires you to get the gift in the first place, that someone was thinking of you,and I got all the kids gifts(since I had some $$$$ this YR) yet only 2 cared enough to think of me, and the “weed” calendar the second-oldest got me I’m still not even quite sure if she got it because she thought I’d like it……or if it was mocking me(with my family I can never tell)…and the 20 YR old and 9 YR old also gave presents to everyone except me,too, in a deliberate snub,and it’s just mean to purposely exclude someone anyway but even more so on Christmas! Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, sharing, love, and harmony, NOT exclusion, rejection, hate, and revenge.

The kids were also laughing about me and saying how I had this “phase” where I “thought I was a holy Saint” ……except that I never did; I never said that, thought that, or believed that; it’s a lie, and now they’re just making shit up,trying to make me look stupid, bad, crazy,and ridiculous, and I was soooo mad at Buddy as well(I’ve never been so mad at him,and, in fact, I think this was the first time I can remember even being mad at him!) as it was really bad freezing rain and I had him out to pee except he wouldn’t…..he was being stubborn and just…refused…..but he wasn’t going in the house until he peed so we were out  there for an hour and I was just sooooo fed up so then I came in and just put him out in the backyard and told him he could come inside when he peed……and right away he peed, the little f*cker….

Then the kids all start hassling me, saying how “mean” I am to “Poor Buddy”(for tossing him out in the yard), etc… so quick to judge and criticize me (for getting mad at him, even though I was stuck out in the freezing rain, which made the street like an ice rink, for an HR as he refused to pee!) yet none of them would ever stand out there for an HR with him like  I did, so they should just shut the f*ck up!! The 15 YR old was being a lying two-faced phony as well; to  just me she purred, “Time to sell Buddy! He’s ugly anyway!” but then just minutes later, to the kids she croons, “Ooooh, poor dog! Is she being mean to you?”

This is the kind of crap I get from them all the time. I’m done. I’m so sick of this shit.

screen-shot-12-26-16-at-02-45-pm I’m thinking of maybe doing myself in again. The suicide feelings are back again. Your heart, spirit, and soul can only be broken so many times.I just can’t keep doing this.I want my family to see what they do to me, the damage they cause,how it makes me feel, and to know how serious it is.