The Parka.

screen-shot-01-30-17-at-08-33-am I noticed that my Canada Goose parka (like the one pictured here) was missing, that it wasn’t hanging on the coat rack like it always is and I just froze in fear and panicked, with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Someone stole it! I’ve been robbed! I thought someone had come into the house and grabbed my parka and taken it, esp. as I’d heard on the news recently that someone had stolen expensive fur coats and Canada Goose parkas from a synagogue and a coat check at a club! I just felt so violated……..so…..sick, and it was so expensive,too, over 800$ and that was back when I had $$$$; I’d never be able to buy another one again and replace it, and I wouldn’t have a winter coat,either!(and it’s the warmest coat ever!) I was just so distraught, but then the thought occurred maybe the 22 YR old took it esp. since he’s notorious for always taking my stuff without asking(my Crocs, my flip-flops, etc.) so I phoned to check but never got a reply back,so there I was , sick with worry and dread, not knowing if he’d borrowed it or not, or if it really was stolen(and I’d have to call the police) for 2 HRS until he finally came home…….thankfully he was wearing it; he just casually shrugged, “It’s cold  out!” and tossed me the coat. What a relief! I was so worried it really was gone for good, and,of course, then my hubby started making fun of me for even thinking it was stolen, because he always pokes fun at all my anxieties, fears, worries, insecurities, phobias, etc. because he’s an asshole like that; instead of trying to comfort me, support me, reassure me, or calm me, he plays into my fears and anxieties, fueling them,creating them, magnifying them, ridiculing them,feeding them,and provoking them.

Speaking of theft, I remember many YRS ago when my hubby’s car was broken into and the thief stole a bunch of his music cassette tapes, all of them except for the redneck country music ones, so even the thief has some standards and good taste in music, and my hubby and the 15 YR old were also trying to goad me by saying that the 22 YR old( and not me) is Buddy’s favourite, even though I actually am(and it’s obvious); he’s my dog and he loves me the most( he’s probably his second favourite and only goes with him because he has food!) and he’s the only one that loves me yet they won’t even let me have that and even try to take that away from me, stripping me of all love, dignity, happiness,joy, and respect. Why do they enjoy hurting me so much? Why are they so mean?

As well. my mother was helping the 9 YR old with his math( the 17 YR old used to but he kept being mean to her, incl. calling her a retard and saying “I’m going to kill you!” so she stopped,and I can’t do it as I can’t do math) and he was mean to her,too, despite her bragging how he wouldn’t be mean to her ( but he’s just a bratty kid; he’s like that to everyone because I’m the only one who ever disciplines him but when I do my hubby and mother always over-rule me) so she went up to her room and cried, and when I said “I hope she doesn’t kill herself or something!” my hubby smirked to me, “That’s your job!” (to commit suicide) and we were arguing too about my support of refugees; he said we should “look after our own first” and I said we should look after whoever has the greatest need, no matter where they come from, and fleeing war with nothing but the clothes on your back would qualify as the greater need.

I also noticed that the right side of my face is crooked and droopy! My mouth, lip,and the groove between my nose and lip on the right side is crooked and my right eye also droops and is often watery,and the thought occurred to me: I wonder if that time when I had that seizure awhile ago and I thought I was being electrocuted by the electric blanket if maybe I was actually having a stroke? Could it have perhaps maybe been a small stroke? Why else  is  just the one side of my face lop-sided? Great….just great….now I’m more ugly! I saw the movie Lala Land as well and the scene where the guy and girl were dancing up in the sky reminded me of dreams I’ve had where I’m doing the exact same thing; dancing with a handsome stranger up in the sky, and I’ve also experienced on a “trip” high on weed,too, and I was mentioning how the production  Stomp looks good and my hubby made some snide comment about it and I told him, “You just don’t understand art!”( because he’s uncultured) and he goes, “I just like to make fun of it!” He always like to make fun of, belittle,and put down everything and anything that I like though, incl. Reggae; he calls it my “druggie” and “stoner” music, when in reality most Reggae is very spiritual,praising Jah( God), but he’s just ignorant.

Turn your pain into art.

One Wish.

screen-shot-01-29-17-at-02-36-pm I  like to think that when you die everyone can leave one wish for the world. If so, mine would be love and peace and an end to hate and war and in doing so it would also end poverty, homelessness,and hunger because if you love people and care about people and see them as your friend instead of your enemy, as your brother instead of as an other, and love your neighbour like Jesus teaches us to do then naturally we will want well-being for all. That would be my wish that I’d wish for the world. As for my wish for my own family, I wish that they still keep going to church and homeschooling; that they don’t stop once I die, and I want to die listening to Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah and on a tropical beach feeling the sun on my face or cozy and warm in my bed with Buddy curled up next to me. Buddy was acting really weird yesterday,too; all last night he slept glued right next to my leg and all day he kept whining and pawing at my arm,and he even sat in front of me, barking and whining, as if he sensed something bad was going to happen, and he was by my side constantly, even more than usual, almost as if he were guarding me, so I wonder if he can sense that I’m going to have a seizure perhaps, or I’m even dying soon?

The 22 YR old’s GF goes back home to California today after 6 weeks here and she joked she should convert Muslim so they won’t let her back in(with Trump’s anti-Muslim policy, not letting people in from Muslim countries) even though she’s American and they’re letting their own people in,and if she actually said that they’d probably shoot her or something, or send her to Guantanamo Bay! The 13 YR old also said about Trump de-funding abortion( which is actually something good he did) it’ll make it “unsafe”….well, hate to tell ya,kid, but abortion’s never “safe”….spoiler alert: the baby always dies in the end,and if she means the mother, anyone who’s callous enough to kill an innocent baby , her own child,deserves whatever happens to her…..it’s called KARMA.

I also noticed how skinny the lady on the TV news was( and the camera adds  weight, so imagine how skinny she must be in real life?) so I yelled at the TV, “Wait until you have kids or until you’re in your 40’s! It won’t last so enjoy it now while you can!” and my  hubby snarled about my iPod to “turn off your stupid music” so I told him, “You’re stupid!” and then he got really mad and said I “take it personally” but it was personal; it was directed at something of mine, therefore a reflection of me, yet when I give it to him he can’t take it, and about Buddy he smirked, “Look up the definition of ‘dumb dog’ and you’ll see a picture of him!”( actually he’s quite smart) so I replied, “Who? Of you?” Whenever he hurts or insults me or someone I love  I don’t take it but I give it right back to him,and then he chortled about me “always blasting my big mouth off.” I don’t know why he thinks he can talk to me like that and treat me like that, belittling me and putting me down but whenever I say anything back he gets so mad. I guess that’s just the way abuse and bullying works.

Love.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-54-am   I think every mother dreams of having a

little girl that they can dress up, love, and  be extra close to, a daughter where they will share a special bond, a close relationship, the kind of love so intense when you look at them you feel like your heart might burst. I was lucky enough to have that with the now 13 YR old when she was younger, before she grew up and got older and “out-grew” me and decided that she didn’t love me or need me anymore.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-55-am I just love these photos of us when she was little. She was so loving, so cuddly, so clingy,and she followed me around like a dog. She was literally my shadow. She was just soooo affectionate,too, and always ready with a hug or a kiss, telling me how much she loved me and I felt like the Most Important Person In The World to her.Looking at them brings back happy memories.(can you see the love in her eyes?)

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-56-am We had special Cuddle Time every morning as she was waking up and every night as she was in bed getting ready to fall asleep. We had our own little fun jokes,skits,parodies, games, nick-names, inside-jokes, rituals, songs, inventions, secret codes, etc. and she knew that when she was afraid she could come to me and that if she was sad, or hurt, or worried, and I was always there to comfort her. She knew she didn’t have to be afraid to talk to me about anything.

screen-shot-01-28-17-at-08-57-am-001 Then suddenly one day she grew up and became a teenager and she began to withdraw from me and she no longer played our silly little games or confided anything in me anymore or told me she loved me, and, in fact, now she even hides things from me and lies right to my face, and you can forget about cuddling; no more hugging and kissing allowed; I’m not even allowed to touch her now, and she doesn’t really talk much,either, other than the occasional grunt passing by, or a toss of the hair or maybe a stomp or eye-roll.It feels like I’ve lost her.

really miss the way things used to be. I miss the closeness we used to have. It was never my  idea to lose it in the first place.still love her just as fiercely and just as strong as I always did.

I  mourn  it. I grieve it. I still keep hoping we can get it back again someday.It’s a deep, deep loss.I hope she’ll “out-grow” the not loving me and not needing me part someday.

As well, I also heard this cool name on the news : Boketsu Boekwa  and I just thought it was the coolest name ever, the way it just flows off your tongue, and so exotic and mysterious-sounding. I wish I had a cool name like that! My real name is very clearly ethnically European  and I do like  it, but it’s not exotic like Boketsu Boekwa! Maybe secretly in my head it can be my alter-ego or something…..ha,ha….the mysterious globe-trotter,and I was sickened to hear US Prez Trump has BANNED People from several mainly Muslim countries from coming to the USA, to immigrate and to travel, and this is clearly discrimination and reminds me of how Nazi Germany treated the Jews….maybe this can even be taken to the Human Rights Tribunal at the Hague, or something?

Buddy.

buddy22 I got a scare yesterday morning when I woke up: I couldn’t find Buddy! I mean I couldn’t find him anywhere! He sleeps in bed with me but sometimes he’ll jump off and go on the floor and burrow under blankets on the floor but he wasn’t there. I remember that sometime during the night someone( I presume one of the kids) banged loudly on my bedroom door while I was asleep, waking me up momentarily, and then laughed and ran downstairs, and when I woke up in the morning my mother told me that sometime during the night she saw Buddy coming down the stairs, he somehow got out of my room even though I keep the door closed at night so he doesn’t wander, so I guess whoever banged on my door must have opened it and he got out so the 15 YR old brought him back up.

So I was looking all over for him, under the blankets on the floor, under my bed, in the kids‘ rooms, thinking maybe one of them might have stolen him during the night and taken him into their bed with them, in his dog bed/pillow in the livingroom, under the couch( where he often hides), in the basement( where he tries to sneak off to when someone leaves the door open)….everywhere…but he wasn’t anywhere, and then I really started to get scared and panic; where was he? Where could he have gone? I just got this cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, fearful dread and worry; what if someone had come in during the night and took him? What if that was actually the noise I’d heard at my door in the night? What if he’d somehow run away? I was really worried. He didn’t even come when I called him which was unusual.

As it turned out he was under my bed the entire time. Even though I had already looked there he was way far in the middle, hidden,and it’s really dark under there so I only saw him the second time I looked in with the flashlight. I reached in, grabbed him,and pulled him out. I was just so relieved he was ok. I was looking for him for over 30 minutes! He must have been hiding in there thinking he was in trouble or something, hearing the panic in my voice, but it certainly wasn’t a good way to start my day, and I had visions too of  maybe even finding him dead somewhere. He is old afterall, and turns 11 next month!

The 9 YR old also just randomly said to me, out of nowhere, “I hate you and hope you die!” and it really hurt when all I want is for someone  to tell me that they love me, and when I think about M, who I loved for 5 YRS and thought I would marry now I wonder if I ever really loved him afterall, or if I was more in love with the potential of him, as there were high hopes for his future; he’d hoped to become a lawyer and go into politics and maybe even become PM one day….the future looked bright and I imagined being by his side…as it turned out he didn’t, but he did still end up successful, earning a Masters degree in Business, but I later discovered that he’d misrepresented himself as a preppy rich kid when he actually lived in public housing; the ghetto, although it is admirable that he bettered himself, but as it turned out it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because he turned out to be gay and didn’t love me anyway.

As for my hubby, he was a machinist working in his uncle’s shop when I first met him and then after a breakdown he re-trained and got into computers, which he still does now, and he’s the guy they always seem to call whenever they run into an issue and he maintains a bunch of servers, and he accuses me of “embellishing” my blog,too, but I don’t; I say it like it is and tell what really happens; he just doesn’t like to hear it, but if he doesn’t want to look bad then maybe he shouldn’t be treating me bad, and I’ve noticed as well that once you have kids your relationship always seems to change for the worse, it ruins marriages ,putting strain on them, even if they did get along well before,and then in cases like us where it wasn’t strong to begin with then it just makes it even worse, but I’ve never seen a relationship get stronger, better, or improve once they have kids, but it always seems to decline after.

As bad as new U.S Prez Trump is I found out something good that he’s actually doing: de-funding taxpayer’s money to fund abortions and Planned Parenthood (the biggest abortion provider) and I’m so glad! Finally, a pro-life gov’t, with a pro-life stance and a pro-life agenda! If the bitches want to kill their babies then the least they can do is to pay for it with their own money! That’s what gets me about the Femi-Nazis,too; they always whine, “Stay out of my reproductive rights!” and “My womb is none of your business!”….yet then they expect their birth control and abortions to be publically funded by the gov’t and taxpayers! You can’t have it both ways! If it matters that much to them, let them pay for it themselves! Hopefully now it won’t be free there will be alot less pre-born babies being killed!