New Year’s.

screen-shot-12-31-16-at-08-22-am Happy New Year! I’m so glad that 2016 is finally over! It was a really bad YR for me so I’m hoping that this YR will be better. I seriously doubt it, with my luck, my history, my family, my past experiences, my life, but I’m hoping,and I’m trying to be positive, and I hope for the best but expect the worst. Yesterday for New YR’s Eve while everyone else was out partying I did the same thing I do every New YR’s Eve: I went to church and then I slept thru Midnight. I can’t stay up that late anyway; I’m awake early and I go to bed early. I also don’t give a shit about NYE, it’s just another day to me.My New YR’s Resolution is also the same as it is every YR: to start a new YR,and I’ve never failed.

I also wonder if I really will die before I turn 50 like I’ve always had a feeling I will,and if so then I’ve only got a few days left as my birthday’s in 3 days, and last YR I think I had 3 suicide attempts, so I wonder how many I’ll have this YR and if any of them will finally end up being successful?  I just want the same thing I always want(but will never have): to be loved and to be happy. I overheard my family playing a game yesterday and that Little Voice was whispering poison, doubt, and discouragement into my head again; “You’ll never fit in, you’ll never belong, never be a part of them,they’ll never include or accept you, so why do you even bother trying?”

It’ll be 5 weeks tomorrow for my French manicure as well and now some of the nails are brittle and starting to crack and break off but it lasted alot longer than I’d expected;  they said 2 weeks, and I like the French term “sa femme”,too, which means “his wife” ( or literal translation, “his woman”) as it denotes a sense of pride of “ownership”, like the guy really loves his woman and is proud to call her his “own”, to “claim” her as his and his alone, and I wish someone loved me  like that. My hubby’s eagerly counting the days until I’m dead.