Thoughts For A New Year.

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Hesitation.

screen-shot-01-02-17-at-08-18-am I came close to killing myself last night, tired, weary, and just beaten down from all of my toxic family’s constant emotional abuse, exclusion, belittling, hate, blame, criticism, and overall treating me like dirt that I just can’t take it any more and I just gave up, and as I was at my lowest point I was sitting there on the edge of my bed, with the pills in my hand, all set to go ahead and do  it, just sitting there, thinking, praying, contemplating, waiting……trying to gather up all my courage, reassuring myself that soon it will all be over  and they won’t have me around to kick around anymore; that this is my only way out and all I have to do is lay down, close my eyes, snuggle up next to Buddy, and go to sleep , and I will finally be free……and I will have that same  unfettered, glorious feeling of total freedom like I felt on the last day of highschool, just like a huge weight has been lifted off, “I’m free! never have to go back!”…..

But then I hesitated……

Right at that critical moment Buddy came out from under the covers and came up to me, nudging and nuzzling me and kept licking my face over and over, sensing something was wrong, it was like he was feeling my hurt and my pain and imploring me not to do it, telling me that he  loves me even if no one else does, and I held him and just buried my face into his soft warm fur and cried, and for what seemed like forever he stayed there and just let me hold him and cry into his neck, and in that moment of hesitation it was also impressed upon my heart the words:

Something wonderful is about to happen.

I don’t know if that’s actually true or not, or if I’m just deluding myself, but if it is,  I wonder what it could be? Am I going to die soon and be seeing Heaven shortly? Am I finally going to find love and be happy?Do I actually have some hope? I don’t see my toxic family changing any time soon and treating me any nicer, and I don’t see how I can move out and survive on my own, either, but I do know that The Holy Spirit made me hesitate for a reason and put my plans on hold when I did fully intend to go ahead with it. Interrupting my plans did make me feel like a quitter and a “chicken” but there will always be another time, another opportunity, it’s just a matter of waiting and putting off the inevitable as far as I see it, and I turn 50 tomorrow ,too, so if I am  actually going to die before then I have to die sometime today, unless, of course, I’ve been wrong about it my entire life, or maybe I got it mixed up and I’m actually going to die in my 50th year which could be any time this YR…….whenever it is, it won’t be soon enough for me!!