The Blemish.

screen-shot-01-07-17-at-08-56-am I noticed this blemish yesterday on my back, shoulder area on my left side up near my neck just above my butterfly and hearts tattoo. Originally it had been a clump of brown freckles from the sun but I noticed now had changed into this red blemish and I don’t know how long it’s been there but I just noticed it yesterday when I was coming out of the bath.(It’s not on a spot afterall that you normally get to see) and noticed it’s now red, and  it was bleeding a bit, and is elevated, scaly, and has irregular borders, all of which are characteristic of melanoma which is skin cancer! I am high-risk for it,too, naturally-fair skinned, blue-eyed, prone to freckles in the sun, bad sunburns esp. as a kid, and frequent and prolonged sun exposure( I’ve always been out in the sun every summer, my entire life, ever since I was a kid. Suntanning(it is my top way to de-stress and relax) purposefully every summer since I was 13, and even before  then I was still always outside and exposed to sun and getting tanned, at the cottage, at camp,at the beach,at the park,swimming, just playing outdoors….

I showed my mother, yet even with her medical background she just shrugged it off with, “…….and alot of other  things look like cancer,too!” and said not to worry about it and waddled off , but I know that any changing mole, freckle or sun-spot is suspicious and usually indicative of cancer, so the question now is, if it does turn out to be cancer, and esp. if it’s already inlate stage and spread what will am I going to do about it? I’m ready to die, I’m prepared to die, I thought I would die before 50, I was waiting  and even hoping to die, and I will accept dying, so, in other words I would NOT undergo chemo(which would make me feel so sick that I wish I was dead, I’d rather be “well” enough to enjoy what time I do have left) although I certainly would undergo surgery or take meds to alleviate any undue suffering, just not to prolong my life.

Something funny as well: I overheard the 22 YR old’s GF ask the 17 YR old about brownies she spied on the counter, “Are those vegan?” and when she said “no”, she sighed with relief and whooped with joy, “Oh, good! Regular brownies! They’re so good!” She said the same thing later when she saw pizza, asking if it was vegan and finding out it wasn’t she was so glad and said it was delicious, the reason being that the 20 YR old( who took the train back yesterday) and the 15 YR olds only cook vegan stuff and the vegan desserts (which are like egg-free- milk-free- wheat-free, taste-free, everything-free) are esp. gross and taste like booty. I think they must make them out of saw-dust or something. Seriously. Disgusting.