This Is Life.

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Disrespect And Betrayal.

screen-shot-01-15-17-at-02-14-pm My mother and I were fighting yet again and my hubby said in disgust, “you guys always fight about everything!”(this time she was mad I was giving Buddy some fat off the roast) and of course she blamed me like she always does saying that I disrespect her, when really she’s the one who’s always criticizing me, blaming me, putting me down, turning the kids against me, saying everything’s always my fault, over-stepping boundaries with my kids, over-ruling and undermining me with my kids, meddling, siding against me, berating me, etc. and then whenever I say anything about it, defend myself, stand up to her, or complain, somehow that makes me the bad guy and I’m  disrespecting her? I told her that respect has to be earned and that she hasn’t earned it with the way she treats me and she never supports me or takes my side in anything and she said it’s because I’m always wrong and everything’s always my fault. I told her that’s why I don’t even want to be a grandmother,either, because I don’t want to end up like her, not knowing her place with my kids and having them hate me for it,and she snickered, “your kids already hate you anyway!” See what I always have to deal with…..and then she wonders why I have issues with her?

My hubby also unknowingly said something yesterday that clearly  gave me the unmistaken clue  that gave him away indicating to me without question that it was him who informed my mortal enemy where I am and brought them back into my life, presumably to destroy me, and this isn’t the first time he’s betrayed me,either, and I doubt that it will be the last, and I was all dressed in my Sunday Best for church yesterday ,too,and had make up on and had putty styled in my hair to try and look at least half-way decent( as good as it’s going to get) and hoped I didn’t look too much like a troll,and he shrugged, “Still look like a troll”….he’s just so…..awful to me. He’s ruined my life and just makes me soooo miserably unhappy. That’s another thing,too, my mother doesn’t understand why I’m always so depressed and never happy. Are you kidding? With the way they treat me and the way my life is, are they serious?  I’ve been rejected, unloved, unwanted, bullied, and made to feel worthless my entire life and now even by my own family,too; how would they think I’d feel? What do they expect?

If reincarnation turns out to be real and I come back as an animal I’d like to come back as a hippo of course, but if I have to come back again as a person, then I at least want to be pretty, loved, happy, and live in a warm, tropical climate, basically, the complete opposite of the life that I have now. I also think I had another seizure in my sleep last night,too: I woke up during the night biting my tongue, disoriented, and out of sorts, and Buddy had left the bed as well and was sleeping on the floor, which is unusual for him, so it would seem so….