The 29TH.


screen-shot-01-22-17-at-11-22-am I had a dream last night that I’m going to die on the 29th, but the problem is, the 29th of what? The 29th of this month, of January? I know it’s not going to be February (since there won’t even be 29 days in February this YR!)…or which month? Will it even be this YR? It will be interesting,though, to see what happens; if I really do end up dying on the 29th of something. (My guess would be May though as that’s always the bad luck month for us…..)

As well, Cadets did a Triathlon, and instead of the cycling part(due to the winter and snow) they do skiing and the 17 YR old was their official photographer, and 2 plumbers (I dubbed Mario and Luigi) came as well and finished the job with the clogged sink they had to replace the entire pipe as it was 20 YRS old and rotting, and they said it was just a buildup of soap that clogged the washer over time and they flushed that out,too, so now we finally have drainage once again! Yahoo!

The 13 YR old also was telling me about how there’s this 15 YR old she heard about in town that got hit by a car the same time his 14 year old girlfriend had a babyand how her mother was crowing about how proud she was of her! I told her if any of my kids had babies when they were teens I’d be embarrassed,not proud and she just shrugged and said it’s typical here in this redneck town, like what do you expect from white trash? I’d help my kid with the baby and be supportive, but I wouldn’t see being a teen mom as some sort of  goal or accomplishment or something!

I found a little toy pig on the sidewalk as I was walking as well so I scooped it up and put it in my pocket, thinking the 9 YR old will just love it! as he loves pigs like how I love hippos, but he wasn’t as happy as I’d hoped and he tossed it aside and said that I’d robbed it and stolen it….so he named it Bandit. I told him that I didn’t steal it, it was laying there in the street, all abandoned, homeless,and lost,and I picked it up and brought it home, and adopted it to be loved….but he wasn’t having any of it and it made me sad, and also because no matter how hard I try to engage him and bond it just never seems to work and he just keeps  pushing me away. He broke my heart awhile ago too when he yelled, “I hate my life because you’re in it!” I was hoping that small gesture might make him happy, might “endear” him to me, might “buy” me a few “bonus points” with him, so that maybe , just maybe, he’ll like me a bit more.I also think maybe he doesn’t want it because I gave it to him. My mother’s always been buying people to get them to like her and buying the kid’s affection for years, yet nothing works to get them to love me.know that you can’t make people like you,control them, or make them change how they feel about you,and you can’t make them nicer, or make them treat you better; all I can do is my best effort.

It’s going to snow again finally as well, after most of the snow having all melted away( it looks more like the end of March, early spring, than the end of January and the middle of winter!) and it reminded me of my childhood and brings back happy, fond memories of me and all the figure skating I did as a kid and a teen, going to the local arenas, but mostly, and my fave: my school’s yard rink.It was just a block from my house and I would walk there pretty much daily all winter after supper and on weekends, with friends, usually D, or by myself, and I esp. loved it at night, when it was dark and the lights were turned on the rink, even more so if no one else was there and I’d get the entire rink to myself (and the stories I could dream up and imagine in my head!)and the sheer unabashed feeling of pure and utter freedom. I just felt so free……like I could fly. I would glide along, twirl and spin, jump, and leap, sail thru the air, and land gracefully,racing along, with the frigid air nipping at my face and feeling my  cold frozen breath. I felt like I was in a dreamland and anything was possible.. I wish I could get that feeling back.