screen-shot-01-26-17-at-09-18-am Yesterday when I’d mentioned be careful what you wish for because you just might get it and how my biggest wish was to get married and have kids but then I’d regretted it and wished that I hadn’t, I have a disclaimer: I just wanted to clarify and to make it clear that I don’t mean my kids personally: I just mean having kids in general. It wasn’t what I had thought, hoped, expected, imagined, or been lead to believe. It wasn’t a profound, meaningful experience, it wasn’t my greatest accomplishment,it wasn’t the best thing I ever did, it didn’t bring me great joy, it wasn’t fulfilling, or any  of that, and, in fact, ended up to be the opposite of what I’d hoped and what I was hoping was fulfilling my dream actually turned into a nightmare as I found myself in an unhappy marriage and having kids that ended up hating me.It ruined my life.

I was also ill-equipped with my Aspergers, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. to handle the demands of parenting and it overwhelmed me, plus I never had the emotional support that I needed from my hubby or my mother but instead I’m constantly undermined, over-ruled, berated, demeaned, bullied, and made to feel that I don’t have a voice and don’t matter.I just get all of the shit and none of the perks. If I could go back and re-do my life all over again I wouldn’t have married my hubby and I wouldn’t have had kids, if only I knew then what I know now. It just brought so much fear, trauma, worry, and stress into my life that I was unable to cope and it just…..broke me. Nothing is worth going thru all that and my life would have been so much different if I had stayed single.For one thing, I know I wouldn’t be such a basket case.I might have even had a chance to be happy. I just wanted to make it clear that it’s not my kids personally I wish I never had; I just wish that I hadn’t had any kids, period.

As well, our Internet was down again( it turned out to be the router so we had to get a new one) and we rely on the Internet for everything, for my hubby’s work,it’s my only link to the outside world and my only communication, the kids do alot of the school work online, and the only way we can watch TV shows and movies is online, yet my hubby only cared  once it affected him and when I needed help with my Internet connection he screamed at me to shut up and that he “doesn’t have time” ( implying it’s just something for me so it’s not important and he couldn’t be bothered) and deep inside, I’ve seen a side of him that even the kids don’t know about, a part of him that I doubt even his siblings probably don’t even know  and haven’t seen, a dark side that’s really scary; really mean, vengeful, vindictive,spiteful,cruel, cold and calculating, and I’ve seen how he can get and what he’s capable of (I saw it during the custody battle back in the early 90’s and at other times,too) and I just wish I’d known sooner.

My hair’s been really growing alot lately,too, I just cut it last week and I had to cut it again; it easily grew 2-3 weeks worth of growth in just a week,and it’s like when I was on that hormone medication to lower the aldosterone so I wonder if maybe I have too much progesterone or something, say, like from an ovarian tumour and it’s causing my hair to grow quickly……hmmmmm…. kind of makes you wonder….and the 15 YR old said the lady at the Dollar Store was snotty to her as well and made fun of her clothes saying, “What are you supposed to be? Pretending to be something that you’re not!” and then saying “Do you go to work dressed like that?” and she said she’s 15 and she doesn’t work the clerk smirked when she was her age she worked…..what a bitch! If I was her I’d have told her, “I don’t buy my clothes to please you, and unlike you,I’m going to go to university so I can get a good job…..and you’ll still be working at the Dollar Store!” The 15 YR old said she didn’t as she “doesn’t want to be like her” or stoop to her level but the thing is with bullies if you don’t stand up to them and defend yourself and tell them off then they just keep on saying shit like that to everyone.