I got a scare yesterday morning when I woke up: I couldn’t find Buddy! I mean I couldn’t find him anywhere! He sleeps in bed with me but sometimes he’ll jump off and go on the floor and burrow under blankets on the floor but he wasn’t there. I remember that sometime during the night someone( I presume one of the kids) banged loudly on my bedroom door while I was asleep, waking me up momentarily, and then laughed and ran downstairs, and when I woke up in the morning my mother told me that sometime during the night she saw Buddy coming down the stairs, he somehow got out of my room even though I keep the door closed at night so he doesn’t wander, so I guess whoever banged on my door must have opened it and he got out so the 15 YR old brought him back up.
So I was looking all over for him, under the blankets on the floor, under my bed, in the kids‘ rooms, thinking maybe one of them might have stolen him during the night and taken him into their bed with them, in his dog bed/pillow in the livingroom, under the couch( where he often hides), in the basement( where he tries to sneak off to when someone leaves the door open)….everywhere…but he wasn’t anywhere, and then I really started to get scared and panic; where was he? Where could he have gone? I just got this cold sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, fearful dread and worry; what if someone had come in during the night and took him? What if that was actually the noise I’d heard at my door in the night? What if he’d somehow run away? I was really worried. He didn’t even come when I called him which was unusual.
As it turned out he was under my bed the entire time. Even though I had already looked there he was way far in the middle, hidden,and it’s really dark under there so I only saw him the second time I looked in with the flashlight. I reached in, grabbed him,and pulled him out. I was just so relieved he was ok. I was looking for him for over 30 minutes! He must have been hiding in there thinking he was in trouble or something, hearing the panic in my voice, but it certainly wasn’t a good way to start my day, and I had visions too of maybe even finding him dead somewhere. He is old afterall, and turns 11 next month!
The 9 YR old also just randomly said to me, out of nowhere, “I hate you and hope you die!” and it really hurt when all I want is for someone to tell me that they love me, and when I think about M, who I loved for 5 YRS and thought I would marry now I wonder if I ever really loved him afterall, or if I was more in love with the potential of him, as there were high hopes for his future; he’d hoped to become a lawyer and go into politics and maybe even become PM one day….the future looked bright and I imagined being by his side…as it turned out he didn’t, but he did still end up successful, earning a Masters degree in Business, but I later discovered that he’d misrepresented himself as a preppy rich kid when he actually lived in public housing; the ghetto, although it is admirable that he bettered himself, but as it turned out it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because he turned out to be gay and didn’t love me anyway.
As for my hubby, he was a machinist working in his uncle’s shop when I first met him and then after a breakdown he re-trained and got into computers, which he still does now, and he’s the guy they always seem to call whenever they run into an issue and he maintains a bunch of servers, and he accuses me of “embellishing” my blog,too, but I don’t; I say it like it is and tell what really happens; he just doesn’t like to hear it, but if he doesn’t want to look bad then maybe he shouldn’t be treating me bad, and I’ve noticed as well that once you have kids your relationship always seems to change for the worse, it ruins marriages ,putting strain on them, even if they did get along well before,and then in cases like us where it wasn’t strong to begin with then it just makes it even worse, but I’ve never seen a relationship get stronger, better, or improve once they have kids, but it always seems to decline after.
As bad as new U.S Prez Trump is I found out something good that he’s actually doing: de-funding taxpayer’s money to fund abortions and Planned Parenthood (the biggest abortion provider) and I’m so glad! Finally, a pro-life gov’t, with a pro-life stance and a pro-life agenda! If the bitches want to kill their babies then the least they can do is to pay for it with their own money! That’s what gets me about the Femi-Nazis,too; they always whine, “Stay out of my reproductive rights!” and “My womb is none of your business!”….yet then they expect their birth control and abortions to be publically funded by the gov’t and taxpayers! You can’t have it both ways! If it matters that much to them, let them pay for it themselves! Hopefully now it won’t be free there will be alot less pre-born babies being killed!
Yesterday when I’d mentioned be careful what you wish for because you just might get it and how my biggest wish was to get married and have kids but then I’d regretted it and wished that I hadn’t, I have a disclaimer: I just wanted to clarify and to make it clear that I don’t mean my kids personally: I just mean having kids in general. It wasn’t what I had thought, hoped, expected, imagined, or been lead to believe. It wasn’t a profound, meaningful experience, it wasn’t my greatest accomplishment,it wasn’t the best thing I ever did, it didn’t bring me great joy, it wasn’t fulfilling, or any of that, and, in fact, ended up to be the opposite of what I’d hoped and what I was hoping was fulfilling my dream actually turned into a nightmare as I found myself in an unhappy marriage and having kids that ended up hating me.It ruined my life.
I was also ill-equipped with my Aspergers, depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. to handle the demands of parenting and it overwhelmed me, plus I never had the emotional support that I needed from my hubby or my mother but instead I’m constantly undermined, over-ruled, berated, demeaned, bullied, and made to feel that I don’t have a voice and don’t matter.I just get all of the shit and none of the perks. If I could go back and re-do my life all over again I wouldn’t have married my hubby and I wouldn’t have had kids, if only I knew then what I know now. It just brought so much fear, trauma, worry, and stress into my life that I was unable to cope and it just…..broke me. Nothing is worth going thru all that and my life would have been so much different if I had stayed single.For one thing, I know I wouldn’t be such a basket case.I might have even had a chance to be happy. I just wanted to make it clear that it’s not my kids personally I wish I never had; I just wish that I hadn’t had any kids, period.
As well, our Internet was down again( it turned out to be the router so we had to get a new one) and we rely on the Internet for everything, for my hubby’s work,it’s my only link to the outside world and my only communication, the kids do alot of the school work online, and the only way we can watch TV shows and movies is online, yet my hubby only cared once it affected him and when I needed help with my Internet connection he screamed at me to shut up and that he “doesn’t have time” ( implying it’s just something for me so it’s not important and he couldn’t be bothered) and deep inside, I’ve seen a side of him that even the kids don’t know about, a part of him that I doubt even his siblings probably don’t even know and haven’t seen, a dark side that’s really scary; really mean, vengeful, vindictive,spiteful,cruel, cold and calculating, and I’ve seen how he can get and what he’s capable of (I saw it during the custody battle back in the early 90’s and at other times,too) and I just wish I’d known sooner.
My hair’s been really growing alot lately,too, I just cut it last week and I had to cut it again; it easily grew 2-3 weeks worth of growth in just a week,and it’s like when I was on that hormone medication to lower the aldosterone so I wonder if maybe I have too much progesterone or something, say, like from an ovarian tumour and it’s causing my hair to grow quickly……hmmmmm…. kind of makes you wonder….and the 15 YR old said the lady at the Dollar Store was snotty to her as well and made fun of her clothes saying, “What are you supposed to be? Pretending to be something that you’re not!” and then saying “Do you go to work dressed like that?” and she said she’s 15 and she doesn’t work the clerk smirked when she was her age she worked…..what a bitch! If I was her I’d have told her, “I don’t buy my clothes to please you, and unlike you,I’m going to go to university so I can get a good job…..and you’ll still be working at the Dollar Store!” The 15 YR old said she didn’t as she “doesn’t want to be like her” or stoop to her level but the thing is with bullies if you don’t stand up to them and defend yourself and tell them off then they just keep on saying shit like that to everyone.
I had my recurring dream again that I moved back to my old Toronto house(pictured here) only this time I ended up regretting it and wishing that I’d hadn’t, exactly what did happen when we moved to L.A and ended up coming back! In this version of the dream I’d moved back, only this time with my family and our current furniture(as opposed to the furniture my mother and I had while I was growing up there) and then I’d realized that it wasn’t the same. Things were different. Times had changed. It was no longer the same wallpaper, the same carpet, and they’d painted the porch different colours, the shingles were a different colour, and the windows were different, it wasn’t the same anymore, and I also realized that the livingroom was only half the size of where we’d left, and the yard‘s so tiny, all our furniture didn’t fit,and the house is so small……this wasn’t such a good idea….this was my dream…it had happened so many times in my dreams and here it was happening for real… ..but….what was I thinking? I had regretted moving back as it wasn’t what it used to be, what I’d expected, hoped for, built up in my mind, looked forward to, or dreamed about,wished for, for so long, and now I was sorry. I had dreamed about it for so long and then when it finally did happen I was let-down and disappointed, and regretted it and wished that I hadn’t. That’s how I feel about most of my life.Getting married and having kids, would be BIG examples.The story of my LIFE.
I think I finally decoded the dream and what it means!
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.
I also heard on a TV show my mother was watching, “I’f you’re going thru hell, keep going” and it stuck with me how much it really applies to me and my life,and I also had a “revelation” that I am my own worst enemy and own worst critic and that I deserve happiness and should allow myself to be happy and just let myself be happy. Guess who also decided to finally drop off the notice ( but not the parcel obviously since I already picked it up yesterday!) about my cannabis oil delivery telling me to come and pick up my parcel at the post office(even though I already had it because I picked it up yesterday)? Canada Post!…..and guess what? They just left the notice without ever ringing the doorbell. So that’s twice now. 2 days in a row. ….plus a day late and no to-door delivery.
Suck it, Canada Post!