The Ultrasound.

screen-shot-01-24-17-at-08-27-am I had my pelvic ultrasound done at the hospital to hopefully find out the cause of my abdomenal pain, cramps, and heavy and painful periods. They focused on my uterus and ovaries and I had to drink 1 L of fluid an HR before and not go pee( the hardest part, esp. since I always have to go pee) as they wanted a full bladder as they get a better image that way. They gave me the option of the usual abdomenal scan or a trans-vaginal scan where they shove the wand up your you-know-what. Guess which one I chose? The trans one’s just,well…..creepy; that’s just nasty, so I went with the abdomenal scan and only if they find something concerning and only then if they want to get a closer, more detailed look then I’ll allow the more invasive test.They also asked how many pregnancies I’ve had, incl. ones that didn’t result in live births, so I told her, 11 kids and 6 miscarriages. I made sure to make clear that they were miscarriages, that I’d lost them,as I didn’t want them to wrongly think that I’d had abortions, as I’m notbaby killer!

Of course the technician never actually tells you the results; you have to wait until you see your doctor, and they won’t even hint or give away any clues, but I did get a glimpse at the screen of when she was scanning one of my ovaries and I could see a lump on it(which on the image looked like 2 round balls; the ovary itself and something growing on it) that she was taking measurements of, so if I’m correct it could be a tumour, indicating ovarian cancer, although I did have a cyst on my ovary YRS ago,too, so it could just be that, but ovarian cysts do often later develop into cancer, but I’ll find out next week when I go see my doc for my biopsy for the lesion on my shoulder.

As well, my cannabis oil I’d ordered arrived only it was supposed to be delivered right to my door, and that’s the shipping that I’d paid for but shitty Canada Post didn’t do their job as usual and I received an e-mail saying they’d tried to deliver it but no one answered so I had to go down to the post office with gov’t ID and the notice they’d left me and go pick it up…..but they never did come by or leave any notice as I was tracking it and knew it was to arrive so someone was always home waiting for the delivery and no one came to the door or rang the doorbell all day! They outright lied; they were just too damn lazy to even bother to try and deliver it and just had it go straight from the truck right back to the post office without even coming  to our house, so I had to go all the way down to the post office in a snowstorm to get it!(it was hard to get my hubby to drive me too and he even told me to walk even though I can’t walk that far, and even walking just to church leaves me huffing and puffing and breathless)  Doesn’t it figure,though, my typical bad luck, and Canada Post can kiss my big bountiful bootiful booty! I also told the medical marijuana supplier to send it by courier from now on as Canada Post is NOT reliable, just like everything else in this shithole. I was just soooo mad!!

I was trying to make the 9 YR old laugh as well and he hit me in the face and got me right in the eye and told me to go away and it just broke my heart, making me feel like a dejected dog with it’s tail between it’s legs; whenever I try to reach out to the kids they always just reject me and push me away so why do I even bother? Sometimes it just feels like I keep banging my head against the wall. Maybe I should just give up and walk away. When do I reach a point when I realize there’s nothing more I can do and enough is enough and I should just stop trying?  My mother also was telling him that chocolate has something in it that “makes you smart” and he remarked, “Then how come Mama’s not smart?”(because I eat alot of chocolate) and  my family’s so abusive to me and it really hurts but they don’t care.

The 29TH.


screen-shot-01-22-17-at-11-22-am I had a dream last night that I’m going to die on the 29th, but the problem is, the 29th of what? The 29th of this month, of January? I know it’s not going to be February (since there won’t even be 29 days in February this YR!)…or which month? Will it even be this YR? It will be interesting,though, to see what happens; if I really do end up dying on the 29th of something. (My guess would be May though as that’s always the bad luck month for us…..)

As well, Cadets did a Triathlon, and instead of the cycling part(due to the winter and snow) they do skiing and the 17 YR old was their official photographer, and 2 plumbers (I dubbed Mario and Luigi) came as well and finished the job with the clogged sink they had to replace the entire pipe as it was 20 YRS old and rotting, and they said it was just a buildup of soap that clogged the washer over time and they flushed that out,too, so now we finally have drainage once again! Yahoo!

The 13 YR old also was telling me about how there’s this 15 YR old she heard about in town that got hit by a car the same time his 14 year old girlfriend had a babyand how her mother was crowing about how proud she was of her! I told her if any of my kids had babies when they were teens I’d be embarrassed,not proud and she just shrugged and said it’s typical here in this redneck town, like what do you expect from white trash? I’d help my kid with the baby and be supportive, but I wouldn’t see being a teen mom as some sort of  goal or accomplishment or something!

I found a little toy pig on the sidewalk as I was walking as well so I scooped it up and put it in my pocket, thinking the 9 YR old will just love it! as he loves pigs like how I love hippos, but he wasn’t as happy as I’d hoped and he tossed it aside and said that I’d robbed it and stolen it….so he named it Bandit. I told him that I didn’t steal it, it was laying there in the street, all abandoned, homeless,and lost,and I picked it up and brought it home, and adopted it to be loved….but he wasn’t having any of it and it made me sad, and also because no matter how hard I try to engage him and bond it just never seems to work and he just keeps  pushing me away. He broke my heart awhile ago too when he yelled, “I hate my life because you’re in it!” I was hoping that small gesture might make him happy, might “endear” him to me, might “buy” me a few “bonus points” with him, so that maybe , just maybe, he’ll like me a bit more.I also think maybe he doesn’t want it because I gave it to him. My mother’s always been buying people to get them to like her and buying the kid’s affection for years, yet nothing works to get them to love me.know that you can’t make people like you,control them, or make them change how they feel about you,and you can’t make them nicer, or make them treat you better; all I can do is my best effort.

It’s going to snow again finally as well, after most of the snow having all melted away( it looks more like the end of March, early spring, than the end of January and the middle of winter!) and it reminded me of my childhood and brings back happy, fond memories of me and all the figure skating I did as a kid and a teen, going to the local arenas, but mostly, and my fave: my school’s yard rink.It was just a block from my house and I would walk there pretty much daily all winter after supper and on weekends, with friends, usually D, or by myself, and I esp. loved it at night, when it was dark and the lights were turned on the rink, even more so if no one else was there and I’d get the entire rink to myself (and the stories I could dream up and imagine in my head!)and the sheer unabashed feeling of pure and utter freedom. I just felt so free……like I could fly. I would glide along, twirl and spin, jump, and leap, sail thru the air, and land gracefully,racing along, with the frigid air nipping at my face and feeling my  cold frozen breath. I felt like I was in a dreamland and anything was possible.. I wish I could get that feeling back.



The Drain.

screen-shot-01-21-17-at-11-29-am For the past 4 days our kitchen sink hadn’t been draining so my hubby  used the Drano and the Liquid Plumber and shoved his “snake” thing down the drain to try and unclog it but to no avail. It got soooo bad that it wouldn’t even drain at all and we weren’t able to wash any dishes and have to eat all our meals on paper plates and using plastic utensils. My mother asked him if it was still safe to use the washing machine( which is also in the kitchen) or if it uses the same drain and he said it was fine.

It wasn’t.

We attempted to put a load of washing thru…..and as it tried to drain it flooded the kitchen floor! Ooops! It looks like it does use the same drain afterall. My hubby told me to use the wet/dry vac(and then the 22 YR old finished it off when I put my back out) to clean it up (probably because he was hoping that I’d end up electrocuting myself; water+electricticy=trouble, esp. since he figures I’m dumb and I’d probably do something stupid and end up electrocuting myself, but I didn’t) and then said we had to call a plumber even though it’s yet another expense that we can’t afford and he said to “take it from savings”…..except we don’t have any “savings” and can hardly even pay our bills, and when I told him my mother has to take out another loan to pay the property taxes he shrugged, “Then she can take out another loan for the plumber!” He’s just so…..clueless!

We ended up having to call a plumber anyway, money or not, as now not only can we not do dishes, now we can’t do laundry, either, and now we don’t have any clean dry towels for baths or showers, so he came and he found some straws and even 3 knives down the kitchen sink drain and said he has to replace part of the pipe that’s broken so he still has to come back again tomorrow( so it’s still not fixed!) with the part and he’s still not done looking at it,either, as it still doesn’t explain why the washer’s clogged, and I wonder if maybe there’s even some dead mice in there or maybe even a sewage problem as lately when we do the washer it does reek like sewage….so in the meantime we’ll have to go to the laundromat to do some laundry and my hubby’s going to have to find some $$$$ and pay the plumber. I can’t believe our constant bad luck, it’s just one thing after another, it just never ends,everything we have is a piece of shit, and all these expenses that we just don’t have the $$$$ for.

As well, the 22 YR old’s GF doesn’t go back home today like I originally thought (that’s what my mother told me but it was incorrect and I was misinformed) she doesn’t go back until next  week, and for her birthday the 22 YR old got her this cool candle that when it melts has a hidden surprise necklace in it!(I think that’s just so cool!) and I had a dream that I met Fidel Castro as well and I was sitting next to him in a plane and then we jumped out of it, as in skydiving, plus another dream I moved back to my old Toronto house( which I’ve been having alot lately) and in this one when I moved back  I’d noticed that the badminton birdies were still up on the roof even after all these YRS!