After I had weed the other day I somehow just lost 2 HRS. The time between 2-4 pm went by unnoticed, unaccounted for. I had no idea what happened at all during those 2 HRS. The time just went by, first of all it was around 1:30 and then before I knew it, it was already 4 pm and all that time had gone by I was unaware of, had no idea, and had no idea what happened during it or what I did. Did I pass out? I don’t know. It’s a real mystery.Just a blank. Afterwards I also didn’t know what day it was, and I was enthralled with watching the 9 YR old play Geometry Dash, looking at all the bright, colourful, moving shapes, colours,and patterns, I was just fascinated with it and engrossed in it and I was looking at abstract art as well and it was even more abstract and even moving,too,and I was just mesmerized by it, as I was staring at a flower, every single little detail of it, how truly beautiful it really was, I was just touched by it I almost cried, just lost in it’s beauty and totally amazed by it, because when you’re high everything just becomes so much more intense.
I was also listening to the Blues and I could really feel the music and I was becoming part of it and I melted into every beat, every note, each rhythm, and when the 13 YR old mistakenly told me that Melissa McCarthy had died I was way more upset than I should have been and than I’d normally be, and I was aware that there were two of me as well; the physical and the spiritual,and they both separated and dissected, breaking off to form 2 separate me’s. I use weed for my migraines but getting high is just an added “bonus”, sort of like a buy one get one free, an added side-effect, only a good one. I love weeeed! I had a dream as well my hubby said, “There’s a name for people like that!” ( that use weed for medical purposes, but he meant it in a derogatory way, such as stoner, pothead, or druggie) and I replied, “Yeah, ‘ SICK people!'”
I also asked my mother what was for dinner (I do breakfasts and lunch and she cooks dinner) and then she rips into me, “Why do you always obsess over food ?” Excuse me? Just because I’d like to know what’s for dinner doesn’t mean I’m obsessing over food,and what can she say,anyway; she’s even fatter than me, and the 15 YR old was hiding Buddy in her room again and when I opened the door and poked my head in to peek, looking for him, she practically slammed it crushing my head, whining, “I don’t want you in my room! You’ll stink it all up like rotten coconut!” (???????) WTF? rude to me like always, and I told her, “It’s my house; I own it and I’ll go in whatever room I want; I can kick you out, so you better watch it!”She’s just soooo mouthy and snotty,and why are they all always so mean to me all the time? I’m just so sick of it.They have no respect and they’re so mean-spirited.
I had a revelation that maybe the reason the kids hate me is with my depression, bipolar,and Asperger’s they think I’m crazy and they hate me and blame me for it, and it’s hard to live with a crazy person, just like with an alcoholic, but unlike an alcoholic who chooses to drink, I don’t choose to be crazy,and I can’t help it and I shouldn’t be mistreated, berated, blamed, and hated because of it, and between my unhappy marriage and having kids that hate me and a toxic family that mentally, psychologically,emotionally, and verbally abuse me it’s destroyed me ,and I miss and need the 13 YR old and the closeness that we used to have and I am grateful that I have Buddy and that he loves me but I still need love from a person, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask. I just want to go somewhere where I’ll never be bullied ever again, and where I’ll feel loved,and won’t be made to feel worthless and hated every day and where I won’t constantly be told how stupid I am and be made to feel like I don’t matter,like I’m nothing, and I’m not wanted.I know I’d have to leave this toxic family and this toxic environment that’s killing me but where would I go?
My neck is also really stiff and so sore I wince in pain and I can’t even move it but I never did anything to injure it, so I wonder if maybe I might even have meningitis or something I might have picked up in the doctor’s office nearly 2 weeks ago? I put muscle cream on it, a heating pad, and even took muscle relaxant pills but nothing helps. It’s agony. Phuck.