Valentina.

screen-shot-02-12-17-at-02-30-pm-001 I got this cute hippo from my hubby for Valentine’s Day. I called her Valentina. (yes, I do give all my stuffed toy hippos names, ok?) but it wasn’t as romantic as you might think or may have been hoping. In fact we were at the drug store picking up my prescription  and because we had to wait I was looking at the Valentine’s Day stuff aisle and saw this adorable pink hippo with hearts so I picked it up, hollered over to my hubby, “Here! This is my Valentine’s Day gift!” and tossed him the hippo……and that was it. So much for romance. HA!

screen-shot-02-13-17-at-04-49-pm I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day anyway as before I hated it as it used to be a painful reminder of what I didn’t have : love and romance and probably never would….and now it’s still a sad reminder of what I don’t have, plus the loss of an illusion,too; that I never did get that “fairytale” love, romance,and marriage that I’d always wanted, hoped for,and dreamed of, and that my desire to have a family was a dream that turned into a nightmare.Instead, I ended up in an unhappy, loveless marriage, and still longing and dreaming for a romance that never materialized, and likely never will, and today is just like rubbing salt into the wound.

The doctor’s office also called and said my biopsy came back normal; NO skin cancer, and I’m actually a bit disappointed (only I’d be disappointed to NOT have cancer!) because I was hoping that if  I did at least it would explain why I’m always so drop-dead tired, run-down, have no energy and feel like I’m fading away and getting weaker and weaker each day. At least if I had cancer I would have had an answer; now I still don’t know why! Most of the kids used to be nicer to me when they were younger,too(I just had a couple of “bad seeds”) but as they got older and saw how my mother and hubby treated me they copied them and saw that’s just how I’m supposed to be treated( inferior, disrespectfully, condescending, dismissively, abusively, etc.) and they just grew up imitating it.

My mother mentioned as well how this YR 3 of the kids have “Milestone” birthdays; ages 16, 18,and 21, and when I reminded her that no one cared about my milestone 50TH this YR  but when she turned 50 at least she got a limo ride she huffed, “That was back when you used to care about me!” and I told her, “That was also before you started over-stepping boundaries with my kids!” She really just doesn’t see why we don’t gel along and why I hate her when she doesn’t know her place with my kids and is always over-ruling, under-mining,and sabotaging me and with the disciplining my kids and has turned them against me, always criticizes and belittles me and puts me down, has always rejected me, blames me for everything and blames everything on me, always takes my hubby’s “side” against mine in everything and they gang-up on me ….yet she doesn’t understand why I have issues with her  and why we don’t get along anymore.

Oh, also that,and the time she told me that she never loved me, and “the reason I love so-and-so- so much is because she’s “nothing like you!” and yeah, stuff like that.