The other day my hubby commented how I’ve “gained alot of weight since he first met me”…..yeah…. 29 years ago…..but it was just the way he said it,in a critical way, he made me feel like a fat hippo. Back then in 1988 we were both thin, but we were also young,too, in our 20’s, and we both weighed 120 pounds, and he was even thinner than I was, esp. being a guy and being half a foot taller than me, yet now he’s gained alot of weight,too, I’m not the only one; he must weigh around 175 pounds now himself, but I’ve given birth to 11 kids, plus I’m on several medications that cause weight gain, and once I hit my 40’s the weight came on and just wouldn’t come off, due to the genetics in my mother’s side of the family;everyone on her side’s fat, even more so once they hit their 40’s, even the ones that weren’t before……so what’s his excuse?
I’m not the only one who’s gained weight since we first met yet he makes me feel inferior for it, like a failure, repulsive, disgusting, an object of ridicule, and always making wisecracks at my expense about my weight. I already feel bad enough having gained so much weight over the YRS( doesn’t he think that I’ve noticed, that I’m aware of it?) and it wrecks my already-non-existent self-esteem even more, I certainly don’t need him(or the kids) making fun of it , making cruel barbs about it, snarky comments, insulting me, and saying things like when I walk it shakes the ground like an earthquake, or I weigh as much as a hippo,etc.
I get it, I’m fat.(and I wish I wasn’t. I mean, who really wants to be fat? Who looks in the mirror and sees all their blubber, rolls, thunder thighs, muffin top,lard ass, 2 chins,sausage fingers,fat gut,etc.and thinks to themselves, “I look like the Michelin Tire man! I just Love it! I’m so happy I’m fat!”) I hate it. I hate seeing it. I hate looking in a mirror. I hate it that clothes don’t fit. I hate it that I just can’t wear certain styles. I hate it that it’s hard to even find certain clothes in my size.I ‘m embarrassed I always have to buy size XL. I hate it even more because I used to be really thin. I know what it’s like to be skinny and I’ve lost it. Yet my metabolism has changed and now the weight just won’t come off no matter how much I try to diet. It just doesn’t work anymore. Before I could starve and I’d lose the weight, now I just starve only with no results.
I was always ugly but at least I used to be thin. Now I’m fat,too. Fat and ugly. I just can’t win. I just keep getting even worse-looking. I hate myself even more. Thanks for always reminding me.