Self-Portrait.

screen-shot-02-20-17-at-03-26-pm I was bored so  for a joke I doodled on this pamphlet for breast cancer screening that I got mailed from my doctor’s office. It came with the bra and hanger and I added the body so it looks like mine. Now there’s an image that will be burned into your mind forever.Some things you just can’t un-see.

Happy Birthday!

screen-shot-02-15-17-at-04-35-pm-001 Today is Buddy’s birthday! My best friend turns 11! He’s old for a dog but Dachshunds can live to be 15, 16, or even 17 YRS old, so hopefully he still has a few good YRS left. He’s healthy, energetic, and lively, and you’d never know he’s so old by looking at him; he still thinks he’s a puppy! For his birthday I gave him bacon for a treat and a rawhide chew toy for his gift.  I really love my little Buddy. When God sent me him He sent me my best friend, joy, love, and light in my life. I am so lucky, thankful,and grateful to have him. I am so blessed.

I also got quite a surprise: it was mild out so Buddy and I were sitting out on the veranda in the sun, and a car pulls up in the driveway, so I’m like, “Who ‘dat?” and a man I don’t recognize gets out and introduces himself to me, “Hi, I’m ——; my son—– is dating your daughter——” (the 17 YR old) I can just imagine the stunned, shocked look  on my face as I just sat there, stammering, like, “Uhhhh, whaaat? This is the first I’ve heard of it! No one ever told me!” then the first thing that came into my head was “Well, now I know where the Valentine’s flowers came from” and “I guess she’s not gay” and I’m not mad; she’ll be 18 in 3 months so she’s old enough,and I’m happy she’s found someone, but I’m shocked and hurt about the sneaking around and not telling me as apparantly my hubby knew but they kept it hidden from meno one ever tells me anything! She denied it,saying that they’re “just friends”(yeah…..riiiight) ….busted! The truth always comes out  and you end up getting caught eventually but it just sucks that I’m never included in my own family or told anything about what’s going on in my own kids’ lives, how I’m always excluded and never let in on their little circle.

As well, we also had paczki for our Sunday dessert(I love the raspberry ones the most) after church,and I wonder too when people see me sitting there in church week after week what they think, I mean, they have no way of knowing how sad my life is, all the burdens that I bear, the traumas that I carry, the damage that broke me, the things I imagine in my head, the unhappy family life I have, the dreams I long for but will never have, etc.they see me sitting there and I wonder what they actually see, how do they see me? The 17 YR old also got this really hot sauce (she said she got it on the black market) the hottest made and I love spicy stuff and have a high tolerance for hot stuff and even I thought it was hot; my eyes watered and I was panting, “F*ck me, it’s so hot! Oh, God, oh, God, oh,God!” and I was hopping all over the kitchen, fanning my mouth, and had to keep eating ice cream to try and cool it down and it felt like my tongue had burnt off. It was brutal.