Glimpses.

Screen Shot 03-30-17 at 03.02 PM We are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel! With the 13 YR old and her eating disorder she has been trapped by the illness and her beingness has been buried deep beneath it but as we progress in her treatment and “refeeding” program and as she continues to get re-nourished and bit by bit, day by day we conquer the disease we are now starting to see signs of success, signs of improvement and glimpses of her old self starting to break thru once again! Who she once was has been long hidden, buried deep and suppressed, but every now and then now we see signs of who she she used to be shine thru, like seeing glimpses of sunlight trying to break thru a storm! She is starting to emerge again, almost like a butterfly starting to break out of it’s cocoon!

The odd time now we’ll hear her say something that sounds like her old self, or actually remember something, whereas before her brain was always so “foggy” and her memory was like a senior with dementia; she had the memory of a goldfish, undoubtedly from her brain being starved of vital nutrition and not being able to fully develop and function but now we’re getting more food into her we see signs of life again, and we hear her voice again; before she was so sullen, withdrawn and quiet, she was almost like a little mouse; she’d just shuffle along quietly with her head hanging down and her hair covering her face not saying a peep, and sometime now we even hear her laugh again,too; it’s like she’s slowly starting to emerge from her darkness and come back to us again and her old personality is coming back! I really missed it. I really missed her.

We still have good days and bad days and some days go better and others worse, and each day is one day at a time and there are still struggles, but we do see hope. We are given glimpses of  her returning to us and this is very hopeful and encouraging and gives us hope that she will be on the side of the 50% that can make a full recovery and that this will one day just be a “blip” in her life that she will one day overcome(like the 19 YR old and his leukemia) and that it won’t be life-long disorder that she struggles with. Yesterday she refused to eat breakfast and we had to actually feed her like you would with a baby which was very distressing and discouraging and one step backwards and she refused the yogurt fruit smoothie I made her…..but then she did really well eating lunch and dinner and even had an evening snack of crackers with cheese and soy milk!

I am so happy, grateful, encouraged, and hopeful when I see these glimpses of her breaking thru, and it also helps to motivate me,too, and the more I know about eating disorders now ( and the social worker gave us a book to read,too) I also wonder if maybe the 20 YR old has an eating disorder as well as she hardly ever eats anything, and she only uses chopsticks( another common “tactic” of eating-disordered people, unless, of course, they’re Asian) and fits the typical personality type for it as well: perfectionist and over-achiever that’s tough and critical on herself  and sets too-high expectations and she’s always been thin( although all the kids are; it’s genetic) it just makes me wonder…I also ordered more weed only this time I paid the extra 4$ to have it sent by courier instead of shitty, half-assed, and unreliable Canada Post as at least this way I know it’ll actually be delivered to my door like I paid for and I won’t have to go to the post office to pick it up! My mother also said I have my weed to escape but she has nothing so I offered her some but she refused. Oh,well, you can’t say that I didn’t ask….

They say money can’t buy happiness but it can buy weed so it’s pretty close.

Rescue Mission.

Screen Shot 03-29-17 at 08.15 AM I see helping the 13 YR old get over and thru her eating disorder as a battle and as a sort of a rescue mission, since she’s been caught up by this disease that has a strong grip on her, this illness that has taken her hostage and has distorted her thinking, her reasoning, her rationale, has buried who she once was and suffocated her and held her down where she is now powerless to escape without help. She is caught up in something too big to handle on her own, she has been basically “abducted” by this fierce monster that has now taken over every aspect of her life and controls every aspect of her being and she needs to be rescued from. I’m going in, I’m going to take this disease down and I’m rescuing my child. It’s not going to have her! It won’t succeed in claiming her!

So, it’s our job, as her parents that love her, along with the guidance and help of the professionals at the eating disorder clinic, to go in and get her. To bring her back. We have to take control back for her and reclaim herself and her life for her, we have to wrestle her out of the strong grip of her disease, which if left to it’s own devices will continue to starve her to death and eventually kill her. We have to be her warriors, her advocates, her army, we are now on a mission to find her again and get her back again. To restore her to what she once was, to who she used to be, before this awful disease took over. We will refeed her and help her to break out of destructive thought patterns and self-harming compulsions.

Despite being completely depleted of my own resources, God somehow gave me strength beyond my own self and I was somehow able to dig down even deeper, sort of like drilling down even deeper for oil, and the mother lion in me emerged, fighting, to protect, defend, fight for, reclaim, and take back my suffering child. I will not lose her, I will not let this disease win, I will not let this illness take her from us, and so I dove right in, fully prepared for battle, to fight this enemy head on,  and I dug even deeper and went down that abyss, and I reached for her and I’m pulling her out. I will have my child back. I have to be the rainbow for her dark cloud.

I’ve sent in the troops and even though it may be a long battle I will not give up, I will not surrender, I will not lose her, I will bring her back, even if it takes everything I have, even if it kills me. I am well-armed, and seasoned in battle. I have already been thru hell and back many times. I am not new at this. I am a mother that will do anything to protect and save her child……it has no idea who it’s dealing with! will get my B.B back. It’s not going to win!