Glimpses.

Screen Shot 03-30-17 at 03.02 PM We are starting to see light at the end of the tunnel! With the 13 YR old and her eating disorder she has been trapped by the illness and her beingness has been buried deep beneath it but as we progress in her treatment and “refeeding” program and as she continues to get re-nourished and bit by bit, day by day we conquer the disease we are now starting to see signs of success, signs of improvement and glimpses of her old self starting to break thru once again! Who she once was has been long hidden, buried deep and suppressed, but every now and then now we see signs of who she she used to be shine thru, like seeing glimpses of sunlight trying to break thru a storm! She is starting to emerge again, almost like a butterfly starting to break out of it’s cocoon!

The odd time now we’ll hear her say something that sounds like her old self, or actually remember something, whereas before her brain was always so “foggy” and her memory was like a senior with dementia; she had the memory of a goldfish, undoubtedly from her brain being starved of vital nutrition and not being able to fully develop and function but now we’re getting more food into her we see signs of life again, and we hear her voice again; before she was so sullen, withdrawn and quiet, she was almost like a little mouse; she’d just shuffle along quietly with her head hanging down and her hair covering her face not saying a peep, and sometime now we even hear her laugh again,too; it’s like she’s slowly starting to emerge from her darkness and come back to us again and her old personality is coming back! I really missed it. I really missed her.

We still have good days and bad days and some days go better and others worse, and each day is one day at a time and there are still struggles, but we do see hope. We are given glimpses of  her returning to us and this is very hopeful and encouraging and gives us hope that she will be on the side of the 50% that can make a full recovery and that this will one day just be a “blip” in her life that she will one day overcome(like the 19 YR old and his leukemia) and that it won’t be life-long disorder that she struggles with. Yesterday she refused to eat breakfast and we had to actually feed her like you would with a baby which was very distressing and discouraging and one step backwards and she refused the yogurt fruit smoothie I made her…..but then she did really well eating lunch and dinner and even had an evening snack of crackers with cheese and soy milk!

I am so happy, grateful, encouraged, and hopeful when I see these glimpses of her breaking thru, and it also helps to motivate me,too, and the more I know about eating disorders now ( and the social worker gave us a book to read,too) I also wonder if maybe the 20 YR old has an eating disorder as well as she hardly ever eats anything, and she only uses chopsticks( another common “tactic” of eating-disordered people, unless, of course, they’re Asian) and fits the typical personality type for it as well: perfectionist and over-achiever that’s tough and critical on herself  and sets too-high expectations and she’s always been thin( although all the kids are; it’s genetic) it just makes me wonder…I also ordered more weed only this time I paid the extra 4$ to have it sent by courier instead of shitty, half-assed, and unreliable Canada Post as at least this way I know it’ll actually be delivered to my door like I paid for and I won’t have to go to the post office to pick it up! My mother also said I have my weed to escape but she has nothing so I offered her some but she refused. Oh,well, you can’t say that I didn’t ask….

They say money can’t buy happiness but it can buy weed so it’s pretty close.

Rescue Mission.

Screen Shot 03-29-17 at 08.15 AM I see helping the 13 YR old get over and thru her eating disorder as a battle and as a sort of a rescue mission, since she’s been caught up by this disease that has a strong grip on her, this illness that has taken her hostage and has distorted her thinking, her reasoning, her rationale, has buried who she once was and suffocated her and held her down where she is now powerless to escape without help. She is caught up in something too big to handle on her own, she has been basically “abducted” by this fierce monster that has now taken over every aspect of her life and controls every aspect of her being and she needs to be rescued from. I’m going in, I’m going to take this disease down and I’m rescuing my child. It’s not going to have her! It won’t succeed in claiming her!

So, it’s our job, as her parents that love her, along with the guidance and help of the professionals at the eating disorder clinic, to go in and get her. To bring her back. We have to take control back for her and reclaim herself and her life for her, we have to wrestle her out of the strong grip of her disease, which if left to it’s own devices will continue to starve her to death and eventually kill her. We have to be her warriors, her advocates, her army, we are now on a mission to find her again and get her back again. To restore her to what she once was, to who she used to be, before this awful disease took over. We will refeed her and help her to break out of destructive thought patterns and self-harming compulsions.

Despite being completely depleted of my own resources, God somehow gave me strength beyond my own self and I was somehow able to dig down even deeper, sort of like drilling down even deeper for oil, and the mother lion in me emerged, fighting, to protect, defend, fight for, reclaim, and take back my suffering child. I will not lose her, I will not let this disease win, I will not let this illness take her from us, and so I dove right in, fully prepared for battle, to fight this enemy head on,  and I dug even deeper and went down that abyss, and I reached for her and I’m pulling her out. I will have my child back. I have to be the rainbow for her dark cloud.

I’ve sent in the troops and even though it may be a long battle I will not give up, I will not surrender, I will not lose her, I will bring her back, even if it takes everything I have, even if it kills me. I am well-armed, and seasoned in battle. I have already been thru hell and back many times. I am not new at this. I am a mother that will do anything to protect and save her child……it has no idea who it’s dealing with! will get my B.B back. It’s not going to win!

Another Appointment.

Screen Shot 03-28-17 at 06.52 PM The 13 YR old, my hubby and I had another session at the eating disorders clinic, our weekly ritual now. In time it will just become a part of our regular routine, just like how it was when our now 19 YR old had leukemia when he was 7 and we had to make weekly trips for his chemo; you just sort of integrate the treatments into your life and it just sort of becomes a part of your routine.We’re lucky my hubby works from home though and is flexible,and I’m home with the kids anyway, and our homeschooling is flexible,too, but I really can’t see how 2 working parents with regular office hours could manage to get that much time off work once a week for months, esp. with each app’t lasting 2 -21/2 HRS and the clinic is over an HR away; I don’t think they’d be able to get all that time off so often, not without getting fired, anyway!

Despite a good week of getting her to eat more, she’s still lost weight, when we were hoping she would have at least gained something,making me wonder if she is still somehow sneaking off to barf it up, although they said it is normal this early though as she’s so undernourished it takes awhile to start gaining and to get up to a normal weight and then to start gaining more weight and the behaviour specialist talked to her today while we talked to the social worker and the nutritionist went over her food intake for the past week and our “homework” for this week is to continue to increase her food portions and varities of food and to add calories by adding sauces, dips, etc. and “sneaking” milk into soups, for example, and to not let her pick at, squeeze, or play with her food as it’s part of her rigid thinking that contributes to her eating disorder and the hold that it has over her that we have to try and break.

I also feel badly and guilty too wondering if I’m somehow to blame since I’ve been on so many diets myself to lose weight ever since I was a teen, and maybe now I’m fat she doesn’t want to end up looking like me (and on my side of the family everyone gets fat once they reach their 40’s, even if they were thin before, like me; it’s genetic) or maybe even from my hubby, who’s OCD and very picky about eating and has to force himself to eat, even though I’ve always told the kids growing up that people come in all different shapes and sizes; tall, short, thin, fat, and have always reassured them that they don’t have to worry about their weight and that the media and fashion world puts a high and unrealistic expectation of beauty on women and even the models don’t really even look like that; even they’re  Photoshopped!

The social worker also said she loved my orange Converse high-tops and the 13 YR old’s Roots hoodie and said we are a “funky, fashionable family” and I told her “we all have our own individual style” and my hubby mentioned how he and the 13 YR old and all the kids go to Fan Expo (which is like Comic-Con) every YR and I made it clear that I don’t, because I don’t want them to get the wrong impression and think I’m a nerd! 😀 I need to have my nails filled-in as well now it’s been a month and I get it done at the salon in Kingston and wanted to get it done after the app’t since we were already there but my hubby didn’t care and said it’s not important and not happening and didn’t want to bother taking the time because it’s just something for me but I have to get them done soon before they grow out completely!

I heard Stairway To Heavenmore times as well, last night and today, once on the radio and once on my iPod, for a total of 6 days in a row now, as an answer to that prayer that I hear it 3 days in a row as a sign if I’m going to die soon,and before I had a revelation I’m going to die on the 29th,too( although not clear which 29th or what month) and I wonder if it will even be today sometime, esp. since Buddy’s been extra attentive, not leaving my side and whining, almost as if he can sense something’s not right. There’s also a mumps outbreak in Toronto; 64 cases, but that’s not so bad considering it’s a population of 2.5 million,and I had mumps when I was a kid and so did everyone else I knew, and in fact, back in the 70’s when I was growing up, I also had measles, German measles, and chicken-pox, too; it was just a part of childhood!

My mother also ordered me to help her get a show on the TV as she doesn’t know how to get it streamed from the computer to play on the TV….except she didn’t think to ask me just 5 minutes before, when I was already in the livingroom…..no…she decided to do it after, after I’d already left and was busy doing something else and then she got all snotty, snippy, huffy,and demanded that I just drop what I’m doing and do what she wants so I told her I was busy and she should have asked earlier and to get someone else to help her…..and she starts bitching at me, swearing, and just generally being nasty so I told her, well, if you’re going to be a bitch about it and act like that then I won’t help you the next time,either! and then she whines how she “hates having to depend on other people to always have to help her” and I told her “Or we could show you how so you could do it yourself…..” but she refused,claiming she’s “too old….” ok…..yeah, whatever….she’s her own worst enemy.